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Keep crashing and burning at the same point everytime
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Author:  onlynamenotused [ Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:18 am ]
Post subject:  Keep crashing and burning at the same point everytime
Hey all. Long time lurker, first time poster. Will give as much info as possible regarding situation and myself.

I seem to keep falling over at the exact same point with girls that I'm with/seeing/dating. That point is the escalation to something more serious and moving towards a relationship. In most cases there is intimacy, spending a reasonable amount of regular time with each other, having a lot of fun seeing each other and then when things seem to be going good I'll get a LJBF, not ready etc. Some examples:

Girl A
- High interest level in me initially
- Dated for a while
- Intimate but didn't fully close
- In the end LJBF'd. Told me she didn't want a relationship right now. Not ready
- A week later she was in a relationship with a guy she just met

Girl B
- Closed on second day
- Dated a lot in very short period of time
- Actually started a relationship, 5 days later disappeared off the face of the Earth and was really flaky
- Got LJBF'd with the reason is not ready and need to sort her life out first. Has recently told me she is still emotional invested with her ex (but aparently they are just friends but it was a long relationship)

Girl C (Most recent)
- LSE/Shy personality (bad relationship experiences in past)
- Seen a few times - both had a lot of fun
- Strongest and last IOI was when she told me she was a little jealous that I was at a sunset with another girl (sent her a pic of a nice sunset).
- Spoke that night on phone - joked about cuddling and kissing, she seemed to receive it well
- Next day LJBF'd (Want to see you but you want cuddles and kisses and I don't want that. Don't want a bf. I been hurt badly in the past, don't want to lead you on, your an awesome guy)
- Doesn't seem to want to talk about it and I'm getting ignored now.

There are more but you get the idea. So from those few examples it seems I keep falling short when I want something more serious/exclusive.

About me (unsure if its relevant):
- 23 yo
- Athletic
- Have a thing for girls of a different ethnicity
- Professional (College, good job etc)
- Perfectionist
- OCD (over analysing/thinking is my forte)
- My MBTI is ESTJ (very extroverted)
- Average self confidence/self esteem (working on it)
- Started dating a lot later than other people
- Only 1 serious relationship that ended very badly
- Type of person that enjoys being in a relationship

Realizations from lurking and reflection
- Few months back was big AFC (now realise there are lots of girls out there. Still get shitty when things don't work out and i get LJBF'd but after a sleep I get over it and move on)
- My interest level rises too quickly (Advice?, Girl A who is a close friend explained she started to lose interest when my IL went above her IL. I tend to get into people very quickly).
- Show my feelings/cards too early (very open personality - always speak my mind, if I don't like you i'll tell you and vice versa)
- Over analyse situations (look for IOI's that aren't there, trying to read between the lines too much - most likely a result of OCD)
- Like to talk on the phone (Yes I know it is said this is bad, sometimes have 30 min phone conversations and much prefer phone over txt).
- Pet hates are: Flaky people, People who ignore rather than just give an answer such as no.
- Have AA. Most people met off net, facebook, through friends or they were a friend first etc.
- Perhaps too active/keen (too high IL) which results in girls getting scared off?
- Have a tendency to move too quickly
- Poor patience (Perfectionism/OCD... Want things right away)
- Average self control (My brain tells me this is bad, I know its not going to work out/ this is going to hurt me yet I still do it because of my emotional side)
- C&F comes pretty natural to me but I stop doing when I know her IL is reasonably high.

It's a new year, new beginning so figured what the hell, self improvement is on the cards. Be brutal, be harsh, any advice is much appreciated guys!
Author:  puaninja [ Wed Jan 02, 2013 1:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Keep crashing and burning at the same point everytime
In a situation like this, you have to ask yourself: "What is it that they all of a sudden don't like that they didn't have a problem with initially?"

Generally if you can get past the beginning stages of getting to know a girl, you should be able to close. So clearly you are saying or doing incorrect things the more you get to know them. I think you are probably coming off as too clingy (talking about kissing and cuddling them on the phone). And you are probably not doing enough push/pull and making yourself way too available.

Also, and I can't stress this enough, make sure you are brushing and using mouthwash. Bad breath is the silent killer when it comes to closing. She'll come up with a million reasons why she doesn't want to get physical with you, telling you that you are a great guy, she's been hurt in the past, she doesn't want a bf, etc. But the reality is that she caught a wiff of some foul smelling breath coming from your mouth and she doesn't want any part of that. Not saying that was your problem, but just be aware of it.
Author:  Speeeeeedy [ Wed Jan 02, 2013 11:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Keep crashing and burning at the same point everytime
Here's your problem. Unfortunately, the solution is a little murky...

"You care too much about relationships."

i.e. you want to be in a relationship too much. from experience, they don't happen that way. I can tell what's in your mind right now "Damn it, I want a girlfriend man. I could really use one right now. I'll find out what I'm doing wrong of these PUAs and get one"

This will not work. What you have a to is honestly, and completely, and fully, not-give-a-fuck. Not give a absolute fuck about getting a girlfriend. "Yeah, but right now is the right age, I need the experience, I could use someone to open up toooo..."

Of course these thoughts will cross your mind, you have to remember this. You came into this world with nothing, heck, you're going to leave with nothing. You DO NOT NEED ANYTHING AT ALL. You, right now, are perfect. [like this? look at some motivational speakers on youtube, you'll get the jist...]

Now, you'll be skeptical of me at first. But life has these funny ways of getting at you. If you look for a girlfriend, you'll never find one. If you don't take my word for it, and you would like me to elaborate, say so, I'll be happy to. But if you can accept that, that's fine.

Don't worry about other aspects of your life. This seems to be you're only sticking point. You've got to change your mindset. And once you do... boom, you're in a relationship. Just take it down of your priority list. Focus on other things. This is my advice to you, I've been in your situation, I started dating late as well... But after I realized this principle, I was with far more girls and having a far better time than any of my close friends.

Please tell me what you take from this.
Author:  onlynamenotused [ Sat Jan 05, 2013 1:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Keep crashing and burning at the same point everytime
Laughed my ass off at the bad breath comment! I shall make sure I keep my personal hygiene up to standard :)

Speedy - What I take from your comments are:
- Wanting a relationship gives off a vibe that these girls are probably picking up on which may be interpreted as desperation
- Being too available - DLV, seen as clingy, desperate
- Stop trying to forcefully find a relationship and focus on other parts of my life, be happy, find success, enjoy myself and people will notice DHV?

And yes please elaborate, I'm very interested in what you have to say and I totally agree with what you have said. I just fail putting it into practice.
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