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Critique My story
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Author:  Ziffer [ Wed Jul 20, 2011 3:58 am ]
Post subject:  Critique My story
Gay Routine
ME: Do I look gay?
HB: No
ME: Ok ... I was wondering because today I was in abercrombie and fitch... and this random guy he comes up behind me ... he puts his arm around me ... and says how are you doing today?
HB: No way.
ME: Yea. I said I'm fine..., as I scoot away, Then the guy says whats your name ... I am like ... blah. So yea I was wondering if I looked gay or if I am just too sexy.
Author:  Katon [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 12:29 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Critique My story
Quote:
Gay Routine
ME: Do I look gay?
HB: No
ME: Ok ... I was wondering because today I was in abercrombie and fitch... and this random guy he comes up behind me ... he puts his arm around me ... and says how are you doing today?
HB: No way.
ME: Yea. I said I'm fine..., as I scoot away, Then the guy says whats your name ... I am like ... blah. So yea I was wondering if I looked gay or if I am just too sexy.
I'd recommend kinoing while your telling the story, put your arm around her just as "the gay guy" did to demonstrate. Also try throwing some lines in there describing your feelings during the time. Girls love this.

hope that helped
- Katon
Author:  Ziffer [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 7:09 pm ]
Post subject: 
Updated
What do you think?

ME: Ok ... I was wondering because today I was in abercrombie and fitch. You know just minding my own business trying to find me a new shirt ... and this random guy he comes up from behind me as I am looking at this plaided shirt in the back of the place ... he puts his arm around me ... and says how are you doing today?
HB: No way.
ME: Yea. I said I'm fine..., as I scoot away, Then the guy says whats your name ... I am like ... blah after that I just had to leave the store. So yea I was wondering if I just look sexy or if I look gay.
Author:  Psych3r [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 7:33 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Updated
What do you think?
Few edits.

"ME: I was wondering because today I was in abercrombie, looking at shirts... and this random guy he comes up from behind me and check this out, he put his arm on my waist... *like this* ...can you believe that?
HB: No way.
ME: Yea. then he said "I like you're style, whats your name?" I froze up, it was so creepy! Then I pulled away and got the hell out of there. So seriously, am I putting out like a sex vibe or what?"

Cleaned it up and simplified. Also peppered in a few psychology tactics:

1. abercrombie instead of a and f. - shows your comfort with brand name and not trying to use it to impress.

2. smoother intro to kino, but also waist is a better opening kino than arm around, it will hit her positive emotional responses faster (try to get fingers to touch small of her back when you do). Plus no girl would believe the orginal idea IMO and it might raise defenses if they think you are making it up.

3. "can you believe that?" engages them from just listening to interactive story. pause and wait for a response, do some 60yc eye staring if she hesitates.

4. saying you froze up shows you are human and vulnerable (just a bit) big score in girls subconscious mind.

5. "creepy!" shows that you are socialy aware of appropriate behavior.

6. final question is a change of original question from gay to sexy. She most likely won't pick up on it and just answer the final question without thinking about the original question which you really don't care about the answer to. Also it will force her to think of you in a sexual frame for a second and give you a chance to guage her response without her thinking about it in a sexual manor, since the original question was low key sexually.
Author:  Ziffer [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 9:02 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thanks I like that improvement to the story. It will definitely make the story more entertaining.
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