I'm afraid most of these are major DLV's. Not only because you are trying to make people laugh and/or like you, but many feature you as the butt of the joke. Making fun of yourself so people will like you? DLV. Big time.

1. I am dark and handsome. When it’s dark, I’m handsome.
Translation: I'm ugly. Laugh at my joke about my looks.

2. If a genie ever gives me three wishes, goodbye Kardashians.
Translation: I care about celebrities I will never meet.

3.When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Translation: I'm full of shit and now you don't want to talk to me.

4.A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.
Ehh: Not as bad as the others. Still not really a worthy update.

5.“Magnets destroy credit cards.” Not nearly as much as happy hours and women.
Translation: I buy women lots of drinks. And I'm broke.

6.Sex burns up 350 calories each time. Please help me, I’m on a diet.
Translation: I'm overweight and/or desperate.

7.A married man should forget his mistakes; There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Translation: I don't learn from my mistakes even though they still bother you.

8.Dijon vu: the feeling you’ve had this mustard before.
Ehh: Harmless joke, not really a point to posting this though.

9.Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
Translation: I like to drink. (Could be good for some people, bad for others).

10.I wish all my electronics came with as much memory as a girlfriend or wife.
Translation: Depending on your social proof, this could be good: "Oh, his significant others care about him enough to hold their memories dear", or bad: "His significant others nag him and give him shit over the past, and he takes it and rants on facebook instead of standing up to them".

11.Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Ehh: Another harmless joke thrown in there. Still no point to them.

12.Everyone has that one friend you just can’t bring anywhere cause they always embarrass you. If you can’t think of who that friend is, it’s you.
Translation: I either just found out I'm the embarrassing friend, or I hangout with quiet non assertive people like myself because we stay in our comfort zone.


Those are my takes on the lines, I personally wouldn't use any of them. If you are sure that something is good though, than go for it! At worst it'll be a learning experience. Best of luck to you!

In my opinion there are all lame and will not help you in any way winning a girl. People with statusses like these irritate me actually. And most people I meet have the same stance on this subject.
If you want to show your wit on fb, to me it seems way more effective responding witty on statusses of others.

Well im new to this forum, but like any american I am not new to facebook. Lets face it most guys now and days would rather stay home and beat it to fb profile pictures then go out sarging sad? yes. Pathetic? most definitely. But since fb is one of the biggest online socializing tools heres some status updates for you.


1. I am dark and handsome. When it’s dark, I’m handsome.

2. If a genie ever gives me three wishes, goodbye Kardashians.

3.When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

4.A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

5.“Magnets destroy credit cards.” Not nearly as much as happy hours and women.

6.Sex burns up 350 calories each time. Please help me, I’m on a diet.

7.A married man should forget his mistakes; There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

8.Dijon vu: the feeling you’ve had this mustard before.

9.Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

10.I wish all my electronics came with as much memory as a girlfriend or wife.

11.Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

12.Everyone has that one friend you just can’t bring anywhere cause they always embarrass you. If you can’t think of who that friend is, it’s you.

Ok theres a few. Girls usually will start more convos with you if you have witty things to say. Also dont update your fb 5 or 6 times a day with these no one likes those ppl lol. Feel free to add more.