Thanks again guys, i'm starting to want to sarge this entire forum!
I'll rewrite the story and repost it in the end of summer, but for now i'm going to the US for 3 weeks, hopefully my game will skyrocket
Hope ya'll enjoy your summers!- koff out
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| Will this work as a DHV story? https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=55&t=70777 |
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| Author: | Koffertgutten [ Fri Jul 09, 2010 12:10 am ] |
| Post subject: | Will this work as a DHV story? |
Hey guys Was thinking about a thing that happend to me a couple of months back, and was wonderin if this would work as a DHV story? So here it goes; You guys won't belive this, but last night i was chilling out with "xxx and xxx" (girls names) we've been making plans for a long time, but unfortunately i always had to cancel, as i'm quite busy with (insert anything) but finally yesterday i was able to see a movie with 'em at my house, so i was sitting down in my basement, they were just around the corner, but then my friend "xxx" calls me fucking desperate, telling me he needs my help - he and a couple of my friends had been to a party, but then they went out chilling in a park, and on their way back home they got robed, so i ran down to them, calming them down, i even had to call the cops for them as they were too drunk to even sit straight, so after about an hour with filling out diffrent police forms i get back home, i call up the girls, and they come over once more, and i'm tellin 'em this excact story, guess what i get for helping out my friends? Two bitchslaps and a wineglass poured out on my shirt. This is just about how it went down, what do you guys think? Will it work out as a DHV story? |
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| Author: | Machida [ Fri Jul 09, 2010 2:04 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
I dont really see why it would, true, maybe they will see you are having two girls over but im not sure its enough. maybe if you saved the guys or did something that would show you have value. To me this story just says, i lost the girls and my friends are losers. Its very subtle and could work if tweaked slightly, maybe instead of just calming your friends down you saved a cat from a tree? haha I dont know |
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| Author: | Straight Up [ Fri Jul 09, 2010 1:02 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
well the girls told you what they thought of your "DHV" story, basically they either thought you were lieing or thought you were a dick for leaving them to help out your irresponsible idiotic friends, avoid this itll DLV for you if anything |
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| Author: | Koffertgutten [ Sun Jul 11, 2010 1:24 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Thanks for the feedback guys! Any suggestions for tweaks, or should i just wreck this story? =) |
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| Author: | Unknown001 [ Mon Jul 12, 2010 6:59 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Honetly, i think the story is ok. its not great but its not terrible. You might wanna rephrase some sentences and cut some fat. For example, when you say "as i'm quite busy with (insert anything)". Id replace that with "because im always (jogging, skining, training, etc)". This sentence seems less try hard. Another example would be "he and a couple of my friends had been to a party, but then they went out chilling in a park, and on their way back home they got robed" Id cut out the part where you say "they were chilling at a park" and hype up that sentence a little (make it seem like the climax of the story you know). It a great place to add subtle DHV spikes. kudos on the ending i love it. You might wanna give its some good pauses towards the end. Something like this "and they come over once more, and i'm tellin 'em this excact story, guess what i get for helping out my friends............ Two bitchslaps and a wineglass poured out on my shirt." All in all i just think the story needs more (not to much) DHV spikes. cheers |
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| Author: | shagitnbagit [ Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:02 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
It's decent. Sometimes it's not the story that's important, it's how you tell it and your tone of voice that makes it good! Don't try too hard to DHV. |
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| Author: | TkoKing [ Tue Jul 13, 2010 5:43 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Personally I try to make my DHV stories short, sweet, vauge, and most importantly believable (not saying yours isn't) but you have alot of details what would happen if she asks you about it on a day 2? |
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| Author: | V3nu [ Tue Jul 13, 2010 7:45 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Quote: Personally I try to make my DHV stories short, sweet, vauge, and most importantly believable (not saying yours isn't) but you have alot of details what would happen if she asks you about it on a day 2?
Yah I just wanted comment on the "details" part, you have too many of them, writing out the story you were thinking like a guy, which you are of course but if you are telling it to a girl they don't respond to "what", "when", where", they respond to "your feeling" and how did you feel at that moment or the other, they are emotional being not logical... Cheers
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| Author: | Koffertgutten [ Fri Jul 16, 2010 1:02 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Thanks again guys, i'm starting to want to sarge this entire forum! I'll rewrite the story and repost it in the end of summer, but for now i'm going to the US for 3 weeks, hopefully my game will skyrocket Hope ya'll enjoy your summers!- koff out |
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