| PUA Forum https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/ |
|
| Enough DHV in this story? https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=55&t=51375 |
Page 1 of 1 |
| Author: | natzuur [ Thu Sep 03, 2009 3:39 am ] |
| Post subject: | Enough DHV in this story? |
I haven't Written a lot of DHV stories before but I would like to start doing so more often, this one is a true story, Tell me if you can see anyway to improve or anything to leave out or add that might make it better. I'm an artist so this relates to that: Anyway I was about to enter this contest for painting at this awesome local mueseum, but i didn't have the minimum amount of paintings done to enter it! SO here I was 2 days out, scrambling like crazy to produce something that didn't look like total shit, finally the day before i finished this painting. The next day I go to the opening for the display of the winners,there were a lot of people looking at mine, Then I found out for my age group I was the only one to enter! I looked at my paintings, my best one had nice big blue ribbon on it, I thought "hell yeah" then i looked at my other one... the one i had been rushing to finish, it had a third place ribbon... I had somehow lost to myself for second and only got first and third, needless to say i thought it was fricking hilarious...In the end i'm glad i did it, I ended up talking to the curator the next day for a bit... she was cute and totally loved my paintings, and offered me a spot to sell them at the museum for the next event. |
|
| Author: | Playfellow [ Thu Sep 03, 2009 4:25 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
This is a really nice story  My advice is to just make it a bit shorter. For example there's no need to say "painting contest" - just say "contest" and also remove several other unnecesary details. And you should emphasize on describing your emotions rather than the events. Also add things which can provoke further questions and new conversational topics The shorter the story is - the earlier you can use it. Also if it has strong emotions in it - girls will just love it
|
|
| Author: | Exstasy [ Thu Sep 03, 2009 1:21 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
I really like the basis of the story, however I think it could be told better. As playfellow said, try to elaborate more on the emotions you were feeling such as: "SO here I was 2 days out, scrambling like crazy" to something like: "SO..I had JUST two days to create a masterpiece...I was practically scrambling like crazy. I'm a really passionate person when it comes to my art work, so I didn't want to do something that was total shit..you know?" I'd change the last sentence to: (Cutting out all the stuff about the Curator) "In the end, I'm really happy that I did it, the museum ended up offering me a spot to sell my work at the next event. How cool is that?" Hope that helps a little. |
|
| Page 1 of 1 | All times are UTC |
| Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group http://www.phpbb.com/ |
|