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How to get someone to feel comfortable around you?
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Author:  Jenslyn87 [ Sun Nov 09, 2008 3:37 pm ]
Post subject:  How to get someone to feel comfortable around you?
Hey everyone, this is my first post here. I've been a lurker for some time though, and I've read 'The Game' and 'Double Your Dating' in their entireties + a lot of other material.

Until recently I had done nothing with girls (well, kissed with one at 18, but I'm 21 now...), but now I've moved out and settled in a new city which I think has done some stuff for my personality.

Anyway, in the last 2-3 months I've kissed with 4 girls and had sex with one of them, so I hope I'm getting somewhere.

Anyway I feel a major problem for me is that people take a looong time to get comfortable around me. ESPECIALLY if I feel that the person is someone I want to befriend or I'm interested in romantically.

It's like you know... the awkward silences and the tension persist for way too long sometimes.

This is a problem that's been bothering me in relation to both men and women, but in particular it bothers me than I just can't seem to get comfortable and relaxed with a women I'm interested in. Any ideas?

Some thoughts of my own:

I try to keep more or less constant eye contact because I've been told that doing this emits confidence. However, I feel like I'm staring the person down more than just keeping conversation sometimes. are you really supposed to look into the other persons eyes always or just glance every now and then? Somewhere in between?

As you can see maybe social skills aren't that intuitive for me. I need to learn some of it. I feel I have decent looks and I'm pretty intelligent (English is not my mother tongue so please don't judge me from this post), så I have that going for me. I just really want to get this part of my life in order.

Thanks guys - I appreciate any help!
Author:  Jenslyn87 [ Sun Nov 09, 2008 3:51 pm ]
Post subject: 
Just to give you an example:

The day before yesterday I was out with a friend who brought another friend of his + GF. We were at a bar and I just happened to sit directly in front of the GF (who is a very pretty and likable person. I would never try to seal her or anything, was just making conversation).

Right off the bat I gave her a compliment about a painting she had done for her boyfriend (it was actually pretty damn romantic) and she seemed happy about that and told me she would make one for me if I wanted it. I responded enthusiastically.

So the conversation continues for a bit and I can feel the anxiety coming my way... 'if this conversation goes dead, I will sit right in front of her and it will feel so awkward'... 'I need to open a thread but I can't figure out what to say'...

I guess you know what I'm talking about. Meanwhile, I'm speculating if I should hold eye contact and all that jazz, and it just made for an awkward conversation.

I think this illustrates my problem fairly well :(
Author:  Poetry [ Sun Nov 09, 2008 4:51 pm ]
Post subject: 
it sounds like you are just having some confidence problems. Its not so much about how much eye contact you give her, its about your overall nonverbals (body posture, eye contact, motions). Don't think about and analyze your own actions when your IN the game. You can always look back at what you did afterwards. Focus on her and how she should be begging you for your number.

To be comfortable with others I think its important to be comfortable with yourself. If those awkward silences are happening, maybe you need to have more material ready. Find a couple DHV, tests, kino or anything to escalate the conversation. I've also found that if a conversation is about to stall, try a small neg (already rehearsed or on the spot) that brings her/them back into the conversation and focus on you. Hope this helped.

Keep it Smooth,
Poetry
Author:  rubberbandman [ Sun Nov 09, 2008 5:34 pm ]
Post subject: 
hey,

I had a similar problem when i first started. I would open pretty confidently but then when the conversation died down i would start to go get nervous and figit or look around the room. This is not what u want to do at all.

I find that most people love talking about themselves. So a great way of making a girl feel comfortable around you is to ask her questions that you genuinely want to know the answer to, but are open ended enough to make her think of an answer. This shifts the pressure of maintaining the conversation to her.

As for body language, this is huge. Don't Figit, or play with something nervously. Girls have a great knack for reading body language. Sit back, relaxed and comfortable, take deep breaths to control your blood pressure. Make steady eye contact and nod in agreement when she makes her points.

Throw some kino into the mix when appropriate, and you should build comfort in no time.
Author:  Jenslyn87 [ Sun Nov 09, 2008 5:47 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thanks guys, I just want to be able to feel relaxed around new people faster.

So you think that I should generally keep eye contact all the time in a conversation?
Author:  jurupa [ Mon Nov 10, 2008 1:45 am ]
Post subject: 
To get someone to feel comfortable around you, you have to feel comfortable with yourself. Meaning you have to be secure in your self as well as confident in your self. It also doesn't hurt to work on your social skills either.
Author:  Jenslyn87 [ Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:53 am ]
Post subject: 
Thanks!

Any suggestions to what I should do exactly? I don't even know where to begin!

Also, I want to know whether you guys look into the eyes of the other person constantly when having a conversation... for me it feels wierd
Author:  jurupa [ Mon Nov 10, 2008 2:25 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Any suggestions to what I should do exactly? I don't even know where to begin!
Start with your inner game first and go from there.
Quote:
Also, I want to know whether you guys look into the eyes of the other person constantly when having a conversation... for me it feels wierd
I hold eye contact but I don't constant hold it as it would be a waste of my time if I didn't check out the girl's body and any of her friends that I am talking to. I also break eye contact to see what is going around me from time to time or if something that grabs my attention, lets say a fight, I best respond to appropriately.
Author:  Jenslyn87 [ Mon Nov 10, 2008 4:36 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thanks. I guess I do realize that the inner game is my problem.

My self esteem is very low and has always been. I constantly seek validation - I know it's pathetic but I do nonetheless.

My biggest problem right now is that of my looks. sometimes I feel like I look good, sometimes I feel like I look bad. It's really frustrating. I'm constantly checking myself out in the mirror, looking at my posture, adjusting my jaw by pushing it forward a bit (looks better on me) and yes... I'm just very conscious about that all the time :(
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