very minor point but I would put myself above the fictional "Dalton," you may plant the seed she would rather be hanging out with him. Like say you have been advising him on his finances or career

Overall the story is just ok, until you get to the surprise ending which is really good as it switches their emotional state


my experience with DHV stories is you never really know which ones will be good or not until you try them in field, so experimenting with new ones and getting rid of ones that dont work is a good idea

I've never had much success with stories like this to be honest. Critiquing this one, it just sounds made up. If I was a girl listening to that I'd think you were just talking bollocks to impress me. If you're the sort of guy who looks like (and probably actually has) been in the situation where you carry a knife to protect yourself, then by all means tell this story. But I think it's going to have to be to a certain type of girl. If you're like most guys, the story is just going to be a bit unbelievable I feel.

Main tip here: these things work best when you've actually got DHV stories to tell. Go out and do shit which impresses girls rather than making up stories to impress girls.

But, whilst you're doing that, if you want to blag your way through it, I'd probably keep it to smaller things like just messing around with girls or traveling and culture, stuff like that. Often, you don't need a big story where there is potential of you getting stabbed by a stalker and seduced by a crazy ex to impress the new girl. You just need to be able to tell a fairly bog standard story in an interesting way. Add some suspense (even if it's only sarcastic suspense which leads to a terrible punchline - as long as you tell it in a jokey fashion) through your intonation and pauses rather than relying on some slightly unbelievable story.

Also think about the transitioning of such stories into conversation. When are you going to tell this story? How is it going to flow naturally into a conversation with a girl? The only way I can see it coming up naturally is if you are talking about crazy exs - and I would avoid that if I were you, as you don't want to get into a position where you're criticising other girls too much or you risk worrying/scaring off the new girl. If you just tell this story to "fill a pause" or something, ie; bring it up randomly, I think it makes it look even more like you're making it up to show off.

Just my two cents man, not trying to be too critical, just passing on advice and experience from me telling similar stories, but try it and see how it goes.

It sucks, along with your entire mentality towards pickup.

Calm your emotional Beta-rage down for 5 seconds and listen to me.

The reason your mentality sucks is that the way you're going about it is that you need to "make up shit that makes me sound cool so she'll approve of me."

It is the ultimate pedestaling, and it is ultimately counterproductive. Cool guys don't need to tell girls how cool they are, just like rich people don't go around talking about how much money they make.

Make sense?

It's try-hard and puts you in a "please approve of me" position.

You should definitely have cool stories, and keep in mind that cool stories come up naturally in conversation, in response to what the other person said. Then she tells some. Then you tell some. That's how you form a connection.

Just spewing some made-up story she's not going to listen to or care about, is not the way to get girls interested in you.

If it was working for you, would you be here posting about whether it's going to work for you?

Or is the case that what you're doing is obviously not working, and you lack the acuity to realize that?

so have you implemented your DHV story yet? Results?