I think it sounds ok, but what I will say is never apologise for/excuse your presence.
It is ok and polite if you’re interrupting her (but chances are she's busy already, therefore probably not interested) but i feel something more like "hey, I need to ask you something real quick" *with slightly higher energy than hers* or something to that effect would aid you much better, then you can roll with your line.
Notice you almost want to be telling her rather than asking her, but at the same time not being rude or improper - you'll find the balance.
On another note, are your targets HB9-10? - I'm not great at day game and I know your using a neg-compliment redemption. But I personally only ever use a neg for non-compliance unless they are HB10 (Which I rarely approach as my AE (AA) really kicks in - although I am still experimenting and testing my own boundaries).