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| [Rate] My first DHV story https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=55&t=120561 |
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| Author: | Xtensity [ Sun Nov 13, 2011 7:18 pm ] |
| Post subject: | [Rate] My first DHV story |
This is the first DHV story I've written so critique me. I made it to act as a transitioner from A1. [A1] Open FTC Open Cont Neg [A2] "Are you a dog person?" "I gotta go in a second, but get this"-FTC "The other day I was walking down the street with one of my friends and 2 pit bulls came rushing out of the woods growling. I managed to grab her and carry her up a nearby tree barley making it. I lost the left half of my jeans! I'm glad it wasn't my foot. After a while, they went away, but needless to say, cats are funner." -DHV, Protector of Loved ones, Interesting/Action? I haven't thought of what to do after that, so any tips are appreciated, and any modifications are also appreciated. I was considering saying "I was walking with one of my girl friends" instead of friends, but I feel like it's sort of desperate to mention the girl almost. By saying I am walking with a friend, then referring to her as she, twice, I communicate the message that I have many girls as friends and it's no big deal. Since i referred to friends as plural, she will automatically assume since one of these 'friends' I was walking with was a girl, the others are girls. Or at least, this is my reasoning behind the construction of this. It also works to subtly neg her too, so if she's a dog person, It almost makes her feel like she likes a bad animals(or atleast how I framed it). If she is a cat person she will agree with me even further. I see this as a double edged blade. It is either a neg or a similarity I have with her. What do you guys think? Most girls are cat people anyways. What do you guys think? Any improvements I should make? Where should I go after this? |
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| Author: | swagstar [ Sun Nov 13, 2011 10:03 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Wouldn`t like to use that, but eh, nothing major wrong with the story. |
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| Author: | Xtensity [ Sun Nov 13, 2011 10:16 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Can you tell me reasons why? |
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| Author: | Dinox [ Thu Nov 24, 2011 10:47 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
I wouldn't use it because the story seems too over the top, I would never believe it. |
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| Author: | comedyinfernal [ Fri Nov 25, 2011 12:16 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
hey I think everyone has a story they can use, I mean i use ditch the cat and its fairly true girls seem to really like it and its true so I have no problem relating to it, Im sure its in there somewhere and whats more if its incongruous because its a part of who you were its all good, if they ask questions you can just say it was a long time ago, adds mystery and element to your character however I only use ditch the cat so I cant support my reasoning with evidence. Also yeah too much on the dog story |
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