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| Online profile. Somebody critique this. https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=50&t=85858 |
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| Author: | PDJB [ Sat Feb 19, 2011 7:42 am ] |
| Post subject: | Online profile. Somebody critique this. |
Hey guys. "What's a relationship to you? To me, a relationship is something fun and romantic. Whether it's fun cooking something together, lying back and relaxing under the stars, or messing around with multi-coloured fingerpaints. Que Sera Sera, what will be will be. Before we continue, no smokers, and local girls only. I'm specifically looking for someone who takes care of themselves, and doesn't take life too seriously. I'm not a big music guy, but I do like oldies, and trance, for the upbeat... beat. And then pretty much everything else as well. I enjoy watching/reading psychological thrillers, comedy, and good-quality drama. My passions are nutrition, exercise, and Veganism. As for personality. I'm like a kaleidoscope. Pretty, but that's about it. Ha, I'm kidding. There's many different sides to me. It's just something you'll have to find out. Laters." Thanks and such. |
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| Author: | Jambi [ Sat Feb 19, 2011 11:41 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
I was about to say where is the humour then I got to the end! Try putting the kaleidoscope near the start. Sets the tone for the rest of the profile to be read. some stuff I would try out. Before we continue, no smokers, and local girls only. I'm specifically looking for someone who takes care of themselves, and doesn't take life too seriously. So if you look like cousin It from the Adams family its probably not going to work out, hairy girls like that creep me out! I'm not a big music guy, but I do like oldies (no not O.A.P.'s you sicko), and trance, for the upbeat.. |
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| Author: | PDJB [ Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:57 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Okay, well, I altered it a bit, took out the music bit 'cause it's pointless and added some more humor as suggested. I've also added some qualifiers, do they come off well or too abrasive? Let's get started. I'm like a kaleidoscope. Pretty, but that's about it. Ha, I'm kidding. There's many different sides to me, nice, mysterious, sleepy... depends on my mood, I guess. Before I continue, no smokers, and local girls only. I get bored easily, so have some goshdarned personality. What's a relationship to you? To me, a relationship is something fun. Whether it's cooking something together, lying back and relaxing under the stars, or simply chatting to one another over a game of snakes and ladders. I enjoy watching/reading psychological thrillers, comedy, and good-quality drama. My passions are nutrition, exercise, and Vegan-ism. If we have something in common, well, don't just stand there. Come try me. You're a big girl, aren't you? |
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| Author: | Mig [ Mon Feb 21, 2011 5:11 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
It doesn't really flow or indicate much of your personality. Consider your dating profile almost a resume or a poem...it needs to show the best parts of you while reading well so that she actually hits all the major points. Ex. Instead of saying you read/watch thrillers, say "You might catch me on the couches at Borders reading the newest thriller novel" Ex. Passion section "I am a very passionate person; especially when it comes to fitness and being a good Vegan" It's not that you aren't listing interesting things, it's that you're sentences surrounding those interests...aren't so interesting. If you can describe a situation in which she can imagine herself observing you doing your interests...you've got her thinking about being with you already. |
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| Author: | PDJB [ Wed Feb 23, 2011 10:32 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
That.. makes sense. Alright, how's this? Let's get started. I'm like a kaleidoscope. Pretty, but that's about it. Ha, I'm kidding. There's many different sides to me, nice, mysterious, sleepy... depends on my mood, I guess. I'm a intelligent and dedicated person, comes with being a fitness-loving Vegan, stretching, biking and doing scissor kicks 'til daybreak. Now and again, I tend to have problems sleeping, what with my love of horror flicks. Maybe I need someone to hug? Haha. But at the end of the day, all I want from life is simplicity and fun, like all those old Disney films promised! To me, a relationship is something fun. Whether it's cooking something together, lying back and relaxing under the stars, or simply chatting to one another over a game of snakes and ladders. No smokers, sorry to you lucky ladies who have to miss out, but the habit's disgusting, and let's keep it to a thirty minute radius. |
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| Author: | Mig [ Wed Feb 23, 2011 10:41 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Much better. There are a few spots that read a little weirdly (ex, Now and again, I tend to have problems sleeping, what with my love of horror flicks). Just read through your profile out loud and if you have to pause when saying it, consider a comma, ... , or adjusting the sentence. Great job PDJB. |
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| Author: | luthor [ Thu Feb 24, 2011 1:21 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
I think it reads a bit negative. The kaleidoscope but even though it was a joke was negative and if it was just that, it'd be fine. But then there's the problems sleeping joke(?). You're longing for a disney film ending means you're not happy as you are. And the qualification bit with the smokers is negative. You want to give the impression that's you're tons of fun, you don't need her to complete your life and anyone would be lucky to enter yours. And with less self deprecating humour and more basic humour on there too. |
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| Author: | PDJB [ Thu Feb 24, 2011 8:37 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Hm, ha, this is tricky. I thought it read out a lot better then too (apart from the sleeping part, I couldn't come up with anything better at the time). Here's another re-edit: Let's get started. I'm like a kaleidoscope. Pretty, but that's about it. Ha, I'm kidding. There's many different sides to me, nice, mysterious, sleepy... depends on my mood, I guess. I'm a intelligent and dedicated person, comes with being a fitness-loving Vegan, stretching, biking and doing scissor kicks 'til daybreak, except when I get a cramp. I enjoy watching comedy and horror shows, and I'm thinking it could be nice to watch them with someone by my side. Someone who I can hug and reassure during the scary bits, haha. To me, a relationship is something fun. Whether it's cooking something together, lying back and relaxing under the stars, or simply chatting to one another over a game of snakes and ladders. Fun and simplicity, like a Disney film, ha. No smokers. I'm not positive about "Someone who I can hug and reassure during the scary bits, haha.", I believe it's decent, but if it wasn't for the reassure, it'd come off like I'm the one who needed the hug, hm. Any suggestions? |
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