Your being insecure.
I can see the incongruency in the "being the prize" frame.
1 Like " I guess **** was easy to remember. " take that out - dont tell her why you remember her name thats Logical - Instead, I dont know why I remembered your name (add a gambit) - either keep it mystery or make it sexual or SOI I would normally just keep it mystery, make her think shes special and thats why i remember her name, make her feel validated.
2 Anyway It was nice meeting you. - take out the "anyway " makes it formal.
3 "but you weren't the best I danced with tonight but you were good enough to remember.
Trying to show social proof by putting her down... not smart. instead something along the lines:
I mean u were pretty good but we gotta work on that hip movement next time we meet. - Pretty makes it - like she was alright - not the best without saying she wasnt the best, and then adds a little humor.
4 Anyway -Again - Take out anyway it just makes it smooooth. thats the difference between a guy whos smooth and a guy whos not - smooth guys dont say well ... anyways .. So..
5 But it's a one time offer since I have a lot of work this week. Let me know
Thats not cocky funny or showing a sense of humor thats just plain wussy arrogance. Ur being a wuss and trying to be alpha at the same time.
6 I have something cool to show you... NO!!! thats like a pickup line, must stay away from that, its like a girl saying to you Come see my stamp collection -- Girls are not Stupid, they know the game just as well, so yeah .... Go figure.
Everytime u throw an offer for day 2, must be congruent with it and be willing to take the rejection. Dont try to cover your ass by saying -- its one time offer and i m busy and let me know.
Sorry I dont want to be over critical but I am just giving you my honest opinion, I could be wrong tho.
Overall - Disasterous Message - Dont be surprised if it doesnt work out.
Keep Trying Playa !! Dont give up.
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Anyway, I have something cool to show you sometime if you are interested but it's a one time offer since I have a lot of work this week. Let me know