Quote: As I'm really socially awkward, I really need some help on this.
If I meet, for instance, a girlfriend of a friend of mine I have no idea what to talk about. And its gets incredibly awkward all the time.
I have no idea how to make people comfortable around me. Or make myself comfortable for that matter.
I find it very hard to make new friends as I always get the awkward silence, which just causes people not to wanna hang around me.
A conversation with a stranger usually goes like this:
Stranger: "So you play in a band in your sparetime eh? that must be cool"
Me: "Yeah, love making and performing music!"
Stranger: "Have you recorded any songs or anything yet?"
Me: "Not yet, but we're trying to get some money for recordings as we speak"
Stranger: ok cool.
Me: yeah.
BOOOOOOOOOOM. AWKWAAAAAARD.
I've asked about this stuff on other forums in the past. People just told me to get a few hobbies.
I have so many interesting hobbies you have no idea! So thats clearly not the problem.
This stuff really sucks. And I have no fucking idea on how to solve it. Feels like every conversation I have with randoms are like interviews...
I really need to be able to get along with my friends girlfriends, and just people in general.
Really need some advice here folks!
I've come back to your post several times trying to think of the best way to respond. It's tough because you are presenting three different situations and three different problems. While the problems are sort of related, each one really is its own thread. No, buddy, I'm not criticizing you; I'm just indicating, I've put some thought into how I should respond.
I'm just going to respond to your thread question: How Do I Make People Feel Comfortable Around Me
Ok, here's the thing. "Giving off good vibes," is just an expression; I don't believe in the metaphysical. So what does it mean for someone to say you are giving off, "good vibes?"
What they are really saying is that your facial expressions--most important--and your body language are not anxious, tense, scared, angry or otherwise uncomfortable. The quickest indicator determining whether someone will feel comfortable around you is your facial expression.
The biggest problem is that when people are anxious--such as in being among big crowds, or talking to someone with whom they are not comfortable--their face will automatically make a very tense and in some people an almost angry expression. This is a huge problem because unless someone points it out or you become conscious of it, you will have not clue you are making such a negative expression.
You could be the friendliest person on the planet but if you have a grimace, people are not going to feel comfortable around you.
To determine if you are doing this next time you find yourself in a situation you feel uncomfortable, widen your eyes. If in widening your eyes your whole face moves up and becomes less tense--believe me you will feel it, it is not subtle--then you had a negative, tense expression on your face.
Another way to go about doing this, is if you have a tendency to look ticked off in pictures. You are probably not ticked off but again you are uncomfortable so it shows on your face.
The overall solution, is know what situations make you feel uncomfortable. Before you enter in the situation, widen your eyes and have a subtle smile on your face. So, for example you have problems with crowded bars. Before entering, widen your eyes and small smile then walk in and greet whoever.
After a while, you won't think about it anymore you will just do it. Then people will feel comfortable around you.
In terms of body language, again when you are uncomfortable you stand like a soldier. Depending on your overall appearance, that can come across as intimidating.
The easiest fix for this one, is like the widen your eye deal but it takes a little bit more practice and effort. For the next few weeks, when you are tense because of whatever work or school or what have you--not a social situation though. (Warning: this going to sound metaphysical but it is more about visualizing so you get the right movement) Stand straight and tense, then visualize in your mind the idea that you have completely lost all the bones in your body, and allow your body while standing to sort of collapse into not so much of a slump but like your were a piece of clothing hanging on a hanger. Again if you do it correctly, you will feel completely relaxed. So much so that when you get back into your tense mode, you will notice the difference--it is not subtle you will feel the difference.
The reason you do this exercise outside of the context of social situation is because the exercise is meant to make you aware of the vast difference between feeling relaxed and feeling tense. Once you are able to distinguish the two such that when you start getting tense you think to your self, "oh, I'm getting tense better relax," then you can use the technique in social situations.
So you are in a a social situation, you begin to feel tense--now you know when you are becoming tense--stay upright like normal, but pull your shoulders down and tilt your head a little in whichever direction you prefer. This is a mini relaxation version of the first one I mentioned.
When you are tense, you shoulders tend to hunch up and your head tends to either look down or straight. doing what I indicated in the previous paragraph will not only prevent both behaviors from showing and coming across negatively. But it also helps you relax.
Giving off good vibes = making people feel comfortable = relaxed mood.
|
