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Purging Socially Awkwardness
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Author:  Philosophicus [ Sun Feb 16, 2014 10:17 am ]
Post subject:  Purging Socially Awkwardness
Until the last few years, I was your typical basement dweller. I didn't get out much and didn't care to. Naturally introverted with a history of self-limiting beliefs. There was a time in my life that I spoke so little, that when I did speak, I discovered that I had developed a stutter and depleted powers of vocal tonality.

I have come a long way since then, and I am now back to a "normal" level. The only issue is that I never properly formed social-development skills necessary for platonic attraction. So... unless there is a natural vibe or affinity between a stranger and myself, there is a social-awkwardness. I believe this mostly stems from an inability to relate to most people as I have very little surface level commonality with most.

It's usually not a big deal EXCEPT when I am forced to interact with certain people I ordinarily would never want to. Case in point, the girlfriend's family and friends. If I don't relate to a person, have zero common ground with them, but must for "political" reasons, what are the best ways to kill the awkwardness? It doesn't help when the person is "weird" themselves in a very different kind of way either... I'm sick of being the the outlier, third-wheel whenever I'm with my younger girlfriend in her group of strangers. Of course I'm not going to have much to contribute to their inane discussions... but just sitting there smiling like Slingblade isn't going to cut it either.

I'm the type of guy that no one ever wants to get to know, but once they finally do, they love me.
Author:  prince_prince [ Sun Feb 16, 2014 1:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Purging Socially Awkwardness
Dude I totally relate to where you are coming from. You could start by reading

this book called: "How To Win Friends And Influence People" then I would recommend

catching up with some old friends and going to A hookah bar, just to submerse yourself

in some social settings.
Author:  Philosophicus [ Sun Feb 16, 2014 6:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Purging Socially Awkwardness
Yeah I have HtWFaIP. One of my all-time favorites. Still feels insufficient for social awkwardness.
Author:  Donston [ Sun Feb 16, 2014 7:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Purging Socially Awkwardness
Social awkwardness is due to trying to impress others. The two important phrases here are "trying" and "impress others".
To conquer this ... is to do the opposite. Therefore, "don't try" and "impress yourself".
- Don't try by being comfy with pauses and speaking slowly. Instead of focusing on what to say focus on maintaining eye contact. This will help you get into the moment and relieve yourself of trying to impress ... and magically interesting, awesome, amazing content/topic will come out .... This is what we call be present in the moment.
- Try to impress yourself ... do things that is funny to you .... say things that are interesting to you .... n' be indifferent if they think you are right or wrong ...

This will take time since you developed habits of trying to impress others ... but be "conscious" of when you feel awkward ... do the opposite ... and follow the steps above ... then repeat ... eventually it will become a new habit ^_^ ...

Sincerely,

Donston
Author:  Philosophicus [ Sun Feb 16, 2014 9:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Purging Socially Awkwardness
Hey, I see what you're talking about, but that's hardly my particular issue. It's not about being a "try hard." I just cannot relate to these people. I'm not the guy sitting there trying to be edgy. I'm the guy sitting there with absolutely nothing to contribute, so I sit like a statue. A good example is the girl's best friend. When they're together they behave like a couple of 15 year old retards with A.D.D.. And that forces me into being that weird old guy who is just sitting there, being "awkward" by default.
Author:  Melodical [ Sun Feb 16, 2014 9:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Purging Socially Awkwardness
people love to talk about themselves and love it when somebody actually listens to what they are saying. Just ask questions and keep nodding to encourage them to keep talking.
Author:  Joselose [ Mon May 12, 2014 9:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Purging Socially Awkwardness
Quote:
people love to talk about themselves and love it when somebody actually listens to what they are saying. Just ask questions and keep nodding to encourage them to keep talking.
Actually, when i tried this approach and just let people talk, my conversations were kind of weird. You need to keep the conversation balanced. Some people are as shy as you are, and they want you to do the talking ;) what I'm doing now, is talking a lot in the beginning of a conversations, and if I notice that other person wants to speak, I turn to listening for as long as necessary.
Author:  AFCPG [ Mon May 12, 2014 11:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Purging Socially Awkwardness
Hi dude,
I'm in the same position as you.But I kinda managed to improve a little.
In my opinion,this is just an automatic brain process,that we have developed a long time ago.I don't think
there is a chance of changing it"once and for all",what I do believe is that you need to stop thinking that much about it.Why do I think so?

1.If u notice it and focus on trying to change it or actually giving it more power.Because the brain had already learned this pattern.I know what you are talking about,I really do!!.
2.What you should do is just trying to forget that is exists,because if it starts bothering you,you get to repeat it again and again.
3.All these "little practical" advices like reading a book(D.C-I've read it too,its a cool book),but it won't help you
adapt to all particular social situations,because all these social situations are very different from one another.
4.The only solution I think might help for everyone in such a situation is just to focus on sth else,on improving yourself etc..You can't change a brain pattern with "thinking about some tricks and etc..".
5.There some people that you just don't like(again brain response,more likely from past experiences).
And when you have prejudices that you are not aware of....it's going to be hard for you to get along with those people.
6.You just have to act,without thinking that much about,it is the only way so that your brain can alter its patterns,but whether those patterns will be changed or not...I don't know.
7.Let's say u are sitting somewhere with those two girls and they are talking.Just start talking about what you think(I mean what you really think,without trying to impress them).
Author:  Midget [ Wed May 14, 2014 4:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Purging Socially Awkwardness
Quote:
Social awkwardness is due to trying to impress others. The two important phrases here are "trying" and "impress others".
To conquer this ... is to do the opposite. Therefore, "don't try" and "impress yourself".
- Don't try by being comfy with pauses and speaking slowly. Instead of focusing on what to say focus on maintaining eye contact. This will help you get into the moment and relieve yourself of trying to impress ... and magically interesting, awesome, amazing content/topic will come out .... This is what we call be present in the moment.
- Try to impress yourself ... do things that is funny to you .... say things that are interesting to you .... n' be indifferent if they think you are right or wrong ...

This will take time since you developed habits of trying to impress others ... but be "conscious" of when you feel awkward ... do the opposite ... and follow the steps above ... then repeat ... eventually it will become a new habit ^_^ ...

Sincerely,

Donston
This was really what I needed to hear. All my life I have been trying to impress others, subconsciously that is. Whenever I'm in a group or with another person, I don't talk much about what I think because most of what I think, are in fact what I think would impress them. And honestly, its not much. I'll start keeping this in mind now. Don't try to impress others. Just impress yourself.
Author:  BrandonMarshall [ Tue May 27, 2014 2:30 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Purging Socially Awkwardness
Quote:
Until the last few years, I was your typical basement dweller. I didn't get out much and didn't care to. Naturally introverted with a history of self-limiting beliefs. There was a time in my life that I spoke so little, that when I did speak, I discovered that I had developed a stutter and depleted powers of vocal tonality.

I have come a long way since then, and I am now back to a "normal" level. The only issue is that I never properly formed social-development skills necessary for platonic attraction. So... unless there is a natural vibe or affinity between a stranger and myself, there is a social-awkwardness. I believe this mostly stems from an inability to relate to most people as I have very little surface level commonality with most.

It's usually not a big deal EXCEPT when I am forced to interact with certain people I ordinarily would never want to. Case in point, the girlfriend's family and friends. If I don't relate to a person, have zero common ground with them, but must for "political" reasons, what are the best ways to kill the awkwardness? It doesn't help when the person is "weird" themselves in a very different kind of way either... I'm sick of being the the outlier, third-wheel whenever I'm with my younger girlfriend in her group of strangers. Of course I'm not going to have much to contribute to their inane discussions... but just sitting there smiling like Slingblade isn't going to cut it either.

I'm the type of guy that no one ever wants to get to know, but once they finally do, they love me.

Check out " Psycho Cybernetics" by Maxwell Maltz. great read

Also stretch out of your comfort zone a little bit. I would still cold approach a little just to start a convo and show your mind that there's nothing to be afraid of
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