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What's the hell wrong with me?
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Author:  SamB [ Sun Nov 06, 2011 11:53 pm ]
Post subject:  What's the hell wrong with me?
I generally look at this website for advice, however I've come to a point where I don't know what the fuck I'm doing (acting like a dick so to speak). I'm 19yrs old, virgin, at uni and got a pretty decent job ... But the one thing I want, I haven't got which is the women.

I've never really been comfortable speaking to women since when I was in school, didn't really know what to say and even now feel uncomfortable with the girls I do actually know. TBH my social skills are pretty crap, the only people I can feel comfortable with our my close friends. Also at my work I have a older bunch of people so I find it hard to even make a conversation with them too.

After reading a number of books such as mystery method and the game, when going into clubs I've been observing alot. Looking at blokes trying to pull the women, how they are doing and etc. However the major flaw with me is that on a night out I'll generally see a women look at me like that want me to approach but I still do nothing (need to grow some balls). Really pisses me off because I know I could pull them but i feel like Im not good enough to get them.
It's almost like on a night out I seem to try and read the women but won't do nothing.

The only way I think im not worried about talking to women is when I'm drunk.


So how do I stop being a dick and feel more comfortable talking to girls?

Sam
Author:  JSmooth [ Mon Nov 07, 2011 2:23 am ]
Post subject: 
Do research on approach anxiety or AA and you shall find tons of answers sir. :)
Author:  bee2bee [ Mon Nov 07, 2011 7:59 am ]
Post subject: 
Research then practice, practice, practice.

Your conversational skills will be honed if you actually talk to women more often. This is also one sure thing of learning from your mistakes of the past.

You may be embarrassed all the time at first but these embarrassments will either make you or break you.

The main target is to build up your confidence first.
Author:  mr.fathat [ Mon Nov 07, 2011 7:30 pm ]
Post subject: 
Just go talk to them. Use a situational opener and if she's interested, she'll flow the conversation. Once you get good, the situational openers will be easier to find and you won't have to rely on her to get the conversation flowing.

I know it's cliche, but just be yourself. It's hard to do when you're extremely nervous and thinking too much. You'll likely turn into a babbling idiot whose sweating buckets. This is why alcohol works so well, it shuts the brain off for you so you can just go up and talk. It's a crutch for sure so if you're really really nervous to the point that you can't muster up any courage, liquid courage helps. Just don't get so blasted that you can't keep a coherant, fun conversation going. As you get good, alcohol isn't even needed anymore and you'll look back to where you are now and wonder what the big deal was all about.
Author:  JSmooth [ Mon Nov 07, 2011 8:21 pm ]
Post subject: 
Agreed there is nothing wrong with a few drinks to be social and relax but you really are going to need your head out there to stay focused with what is going on and staying in the moment.
Author:  bullshitter1 [ Mon Nov 07, 2011 8:40 pm ]
Post subject: 
yeah when i was 19 it was shitty aswell..i had it on a plate so many times and didnt know what to do...i turned it around eventually but shit dont happen overnight...
there are a few things i can tell u though....
if ur a virgin its a big deal to u..right
no matter if i say its no big deal its still gonna be a big deal to you in your mindset. now when something becomes a big deal like losing ur virginity..it actually screws with your confidence massivley and fucks up your game...thus prolonging your status as a virgin..
fucked up aint it hahaha...but true
so whenever u see a fine girl ur body pumps out so much testosterone and adrenalyn that u cant think straight..cant talk straight or maybe even cant walk straight hahahaha...
this is why everyone..well almost everyone has to go to a bar or club and drink lots of alcohal to counteract the nerves...even guys who have screwed around need to counteract the nerves...
now knowing its all your own mind that controls your hormones and nerves is the beginning of becoming the man u want to be.
he who can control himself..can control everything.
Author:  sPd13 [ Wed Nov 09, 2011 11:40 am ]
Post subject: 
First of all try to socialize more with people and girls in particular, and don't focus on trying to get a dat/ask them out or anything, just simple talk. Go into a supermarket or store and just ask the girls that work there simple question.
Later try to keep a small conversation, a few minutes so that it begins to feel natural to talk to girls.
Don't put pressure on yourself when talking to them like you want to have them/be with them. Its like when you heard something interesting in the news and want to discuss them with a friend.
Also stop focusing on getting girls in a club, because its a little harder than in day time.

Start small, then go big.
Author:  CoolBlue [ Wed Nov 09, 2011 2:47 pm ]
Post subject: 
My biggest bit of advice to you would be to stop looking for it. I know one guy who used to walk around the club looking for any target (basically didn't care about what they looked like). His downside was that he was also very tall, this is because:

1. Most girls could see he was on the prowl, looking around for any woman with a pulse.
2. They could see him get rejected by every girl, meaning that when he found them, they knew they weren't number 1 in his eyes.

I know you have AA and are the opposite of this but in this situation, your similarity lies in the fact that you probably give off an impressions that you are trying to find someone. If a girl sees potential desperation, then they are likely to back off.
One of my friends a couple of years back split up with his girlfriend and in a week had slept with 3 separate (and hot) girls. I couldn't understand why (and still am not entirely sure how), the girls approached him but he never looked like he was looking for it. I guess he was doing something different to all the other guys?

Familiarity and practice build confidence. Once you have a few successful pick-ups, you will learn how good the feeling is and realise it will outweigh the feeling of nervousness you get. Your social skills will flourish and your ability to pick-up girls will improve. Its a positive cycle which you need to kick start.
Author:  marty12345 [ Fri Nov 11, 2011 5:27 pm ]
Post subject: 
So, you want to wire up an association between drinking too much and you being confident? I think not.

The confidence is inside you already. The alcohol doesn't give you the confidence. Indeed, it can make people look like right tits. I've been on enough nights out and met enough drunken idiots. They aren't pulling girls in that state. One drunk guy tried to sell me his girlfriend on one night out. Apparently I could have her for a pound. I commented that she looked like she was worth a lot more than that and she became very receptive to me. Which annoyed the drunken bloke a fair bit and I looked for the best route out of there.

Being drunk is much more likely to make you come across as a tit than it is to make you come across as confident.

Break the whole alcohol equals confidence nonsense loop as soon as possible. Of course some drink and having fun is good. But you don't need that stuff to access the confidence you already have. All that stuff ever does is turn down the other stuff that might have been holding you back long enough for you to actually be who you actually are.

You say you have "crap" social skills. What tells you that this is true? Is there some sort of social skills competition where you win a prize? Why are you judging yourself on an assumption about yourself that might not even be true?

You're a virgin? Okay, cool. Nothing wrong with that. But that's not the be all and end all of who you are.

Stand up for the good things about yourself. Stand up for the full story of who you are. You have close friends. People don't stick around too much with awful people. So you clearly have value and a lot of good qualities going for you. So, girls will see these good things about you too, will they not?

No girl you've just met can reject you. They have no idea who you are. All a girl does is reject or turn down an option. And you do that yourself every single day when you choose to do this or that instead of that or this. So, if things do go not how you would have liked it's not a big deal.

I'm not the world's biggest fan of him to be honest but I do like Ross Jeffries perspective on this that basically says that you shouldn't pay too much attention to a woman's first response to you when you meet or approach her. If she's open to talking to you, great. If she's not, then you can't possibly be responsible for that and it's more likely that her state is a product of stuff going on in her own life. Women have lives too. And who knows...you'd be surprised how some girls might be looking across at you going: "wow, he's hot...but he won't be interested in a girl like me". Go across and prove her wrong.

You don't need to be perfect. None of us are perfect. She's not expecting you to be perfect. Usually, if you mess up you can recover. I met this girl at uni and basically insulted her favourite author by accident whilst trying to chat her up. She spent a heck of a lot of that evening laughing about the whole thing and my attempts to dig myself out of the hole I had dug for myself. And she became my girlfriend very soon afterwards.

We can't control circumstances. Life is a dance with circumstances. Sometimes you lead and sometimes it does.

You see a girl you want to approach. If you approach her and it goes well then great. If it goes differently then it's a funny story for you to tell your friends and demonstrate how you're developing your social skills and confidence. So you can't lose on that front.

The only thing you can lose out on is the possibility of a great person being in your life. That woman you see could be a total cow or she could end up being your wife. She could be a complete bitch to you or she could show you things you never knew existed.

Whether they've broken my heart or not or messed with my head or not, every woman I've been involved with has given me something new. And those great days are recorded facts in time and in my memory. And you''ve only got so long on this planet to have those wonderful experiences you deserve.

Instead of focusing on "game", focus on simply playing the game. Doesn't matter how it goes or whether you're successful or not. It simply matters that you play. Of course keep yourself safe from actual harm and actual, real risk. But meeting someone new who could be the start of something amazing is a risk that is worth taking.
Author:  CoolBlue [ Fri Nov 11, 2011 11:57 pm ]
Post subject: 
I got a SNL last night (which was awesome by the way, the girl was very giving) and ended what was a 5 month drought for me. The reason I use this is to back up the comment above.

I have only been on this forum for the past week - lurker before joining - and have read the game and various methods for pickup. For the first time in a while, I decided to go out completely sober.
With the tips from this forum under my belt, I was brimming with hope for the night ahead! I had three people comment on how confident I seemed (complete strangers that I spoke to) and also someone I have known for a while who said I had "changed" and that it was for the better.
It was a flawless night for me, approach was great, neg, DHV, k-close, three IOIs and then back to hers for four hours of constant fun.

I used to be someone who associated alcohol with confidence. I had many nights where if I didn't drink, I didn't approach ANYONE. I got it into my head that I needed to drink to get anywhere.
Last night was a test and the outcome was better than any night I have ever had when I have been looking to pick up. I will not be drinking anymore before I go out. Drinking makes you look like an idiot, think like an idiot and talk like one too, if you can get over the need for it for your "dutch courage", you will be able to use your clear mind to work your magic!
Author:  SamB [ Sat Nov 12, 2011 12:18 am ]
Post subject: 
Cheers guys, I'm going to everything aboard.

I'm going out 2morrow, so I'll be sober and try to get somewhere. Just need to believe in myself.

I'll let you know what happens. :)
Author:  mesohorny [ Sat Nov 12, 2011 8:39 am ]
Post subject: 
take a bootcamp , this is what they are for
Author:  Lawrencep21 [ Sun Dec 25, 2011 11:17 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
The main target is to build up your confidence first.
Actually, I would say the main target is to build up your experience, because confidence will follow.
Author:  7000 [ Sun Dec 25, 2011 11:43 pm ]
Post subject: 
True Reluctant, but you need a certain level of self confidence to put yourself out there in the first place to get the experience. If your confidence is totally shot, then you're never going to get the experience.

Bullshitter - I like that.
Author:  RedHoTChilliPeppers [ Thu Jan 19, 2012 9:14 pm ]
Post subject: 
Build up your confidence. Try not to look stupid (even your not!)in front of a girls, humors sometimes can help but in a proper way.
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