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| DHV story full of DHV spikes https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=25&t=19358 |
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| Author: | butterfield [ Tue Mar 25, 2008 1:12 pm ] |
| Post subject: | DHV story full of DHV spikes |
What do you guys think? It could do with a slightly better finish but here is the first attempt. So I was walking down the lanes today with my ex girlfriend and a few of our friends and this guy comes up to her and starts hitting on her. Like saying really cheesy stuff like “Sorry I think there is something in your eye, actually its just a sparkle”. We all turned to each other and we were like “oh my god that’s cheesy” So I turn to my friends and tell them “guys go and wait in this shop im going to help out lucy” My ex isent like a bitch so I tell his guy “hey man im sure ur a great guy but we need to get somewhere” We started leaving and I swear to god he turns to her and says “I thought I was gay before I met you”. |
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| Author: | Clancey [ Wed Mar 26, 2008 5:25 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
I think that would make you come across as a jealous ex-boyfriend. It sounds like you're still interested in the girl.... |
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| Author: | Rotor [ Wed Mar 26, 2008 7:32 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
^agreed. I think you make it work, but you need to reframe the group dynamic. I understand the value of having the ex in the story and you should definitely keep it, but evaluate the situation as if it was just a bunch your buds hanging out, having a good time, and some ugly chick comes out of nowhere and starts hanging all over him. How would you react to that? Probably let him twist in the wind a little, laughing your asses off, then bailing him out, and never ever letting him live it down. Take that response, modify and apply to your ex. For a little something extra, thow in how she was pantomiming for you save to her while keeping the other guy from noticing. So instead of it being "my ex girlfriend and a few of our friends," it becomes "my friends, one of whom happens to be my ex." It will communicate that the emphasis is on the current state of your relationship, just friends, nothing more, nothing less. Where the way you put it initially placeds the emphasis on the PAST nature of the relationship, which is what gives off the needy AFC vibe. You can also use this as an opportunity to engage in some light kino, move the set around, re-enact it, really ham it up. One of the most important aspects of good storytelling: SHOW don't TELL. Make them a part of the story and when the punch line(s) drop(s), it will help to avoid the awkward "i thought it was funny, guess you had to be there" vibe. |
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