LESSONS LEARNT - READ THIS IF NOTHING ELSE:
- The less you have in common, interests and personality wise, the tighter your Inner Game needs to be. F-closing and having a relationship with a HB9 who was cold, judgemental and a poor communicator like I did can be done, but lack of validation/affection/strong interest WILL stress your Inner Game to its limits. I knew all this and went in thinking it would be a challenge that I could handle, I couldn't (not yet
).- No one is above PUA: I somehow got it into my head that I was above the game and that my girl ought to like me for who I am, not how I make her feel with what I say/do. This has always been my Achilles heel and is a fundamentally flawed proposition. We all might think we're special but the girl you're seeing doesn't know that and doesn't owe you anything.
- In relationships, Inner Game comes before Outer: through a lot of practice, my Outer Game is absolutely solid, I get sex with attractive women pretty much whenever I want and don't remember the last time I got cold shouldered during an approach. However, I stopped sarging and dating a distant/poor communicator deprived me of the affirmations I usually get from other girls and I began to doubt myself - my Inner Game collapsed and without self-belief, your Outer Game reflects this sooner or later.
- If you feel yourself getting attached/needy/AFC to a girl who is not showing the same level of interest, then take a step back or get out fast. If you think you can keep it casual then do so at your own risk.
1. Seduction: Met HB9, let's call her Liz, through a mutual friend at the university library.
Made strong eye contact, teased her about having such a geeky organised folder, a lot of DHVs and used a lot of natural C&F game, e.g. she said "We should do this again" to which I said "You're pretty forward aren't you? Your place or mine?". When we were near my house I said "I'd invite you inside but I don't sleep with girls before I've dated them. Some people have standards.. (whilst sneaking her a look)".
2. F-close: Everything about my game was solid, I was an immovable mountain, I had frame control at all times, she was texting me but trying to play hard to get by sending short sarcastic messages which I called her out on: "It turns me on when you play hard to get".
F-closed within 7 days, she was a virgin as well. We had marathon sex every other day for about a month, after which the shit really hit the fan..
3. Stress exposes gaps in my Inner Game leading me to lose frame control and start valuing her higher than myself:
Underlying Inner Game issues:
- Bad relationship with parents means my needs of validation and unconditionally love were not fulfilled; validation is NOT AFC, everyone has this need, the difference is that alphas obtain this in a healthy way.
- Traumatic experiences in childhood; I was attacked when I was a kid and had to go to hospital, looking back now I can see that everyone was backing me 100% and were there for me but it dealt a huge blow to my confidence because I blamed myself for the attack.
Someone close to me passed away.. this, along with the stress of applying for medical school, pushed me over the edge: the feelings of vulnerability and anxiety meant that when HB9 was playing games with me by not texting back/picking up calls when we had arranged to meet up, I didn't punish her for it but instead sent a hasty and angry text saying "This is obviously a joke to you, I like you a lot but I'm too old to be playing games, I don't want to see you anymore." We met up the next day and I retracted what I said (a terrible mistake) and suggested that we keep seeing each other to which she resisted a bit but then agreed. It was a rookie mistake looking back, but I wasn't thinking clearly, I was still stressed out and in a "I've already screwed it up so fuck it" mentality. I thought I heard her sobbing on the phone before, which she was trying to hide, and so I kept telling myself that I would "make things right and be good to her". I am very caring, compassionate (too much so some may say) and have an over-active moral compass which helps with being a doctor but not with girls! As soon as I got that thought into my head, I had unknowingly started valuing her higher than myself - thus instead of being the prize and not giving a fuck what she thinks, I started doing things which I thought would make her happy - sometimes this involved teasing her, being funny which is good, but also AFC moments where I would apologise for taking so long to text back. The more I did this, the more distant and cold she became, to which I could not help but cling more - once you start valuing a woman more than yourself, you are flinging the door wide open for oneitis to settle in and settle in it did. Summoning all the willpower I could muster, I planned on gaming her from scratch, leaving a positive/highly sexually charged frame and then freezing her for 3 days - however, she was all over me and I had sex with her instead, I was too far gone and couldn't help myself.
With the plan in tatters, my AFC behaviour went on unchecked..
4. Friend zoning and the future...
I knew it was going to happen, oneitis had grown horns and I found myself clinging on to the hope that she would be willing to work through our problems if I just sent her a text explaining how I felt. Again, a rookie mistake I would never make under normal circumstances. I'll summarise her response: "Don't like to hurt your feelings, but I think that you like me more than I like you
I don't want a relationship right now with all the stress of applying to uni, I like seeing you just in a jokey way" - bear in mind that we had been in a relationship before. Getting such a disrespectful text was a slap in the face that finally woke me up and I saw how far I had fallen. I look down on guys in these sorts of situations! Before I got involved I had known we would be incompatible and that my game would have to be absolutely leak proof - I got involved to prove something to myself, that my game was so solid that I could build a successful relationship with a cold, poor communicator and emotionally scarred (divorced parents, bad breakup a few years back) HB9. I wasn't ready for this challenge, but I am thankful for this humbling experience because it has showed me what I need to work on.