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My journey out of pain, shame and insecurity to happiness
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Author:  10klvrsin1 [ Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:35 am ]
Post subject:  My journey out of pain, shame and insecurity to happiness
This is the start of the beginning of my new life. I lived most of my life being emotionally hostage to pain and suffering from the past. My goal of this journal is to overcome the things of the past that prevent me from living an abundant and happy life.

The root of my problems began early on with my parents. I wrote about this in another thread, but here is an overview of them:

"This is just a brief overview of my Father: He is a physically strong, large person. Emotionally he is very insecure, needy, frusturated, mean person. He only had one woman in his life (my mother) and put others down for having pre-marital sex. (He was just jealous that he could never get any other girl). I discovered about 12-13 years ago he is a major porn addict. Then he forced religion on me from an early age and has caused me many problems. (Don't get me wrong, I believe in God, but I was hurt by religion). For the first 10+ years of my life, we went to a cult like church that brainwashed people, including my father. Despite the emotional and pyhsical abuse I suffered, he never bothered to do what is best for me, but instead went along with it. He went right along with the bullshit being preached and hurt me. For example, he would spank the shit out of me for petty things, thinking he had to shape me up to not be disrespectful.

Brief overview of my mother: She is a very manipulative person, who also is very needy and insecure. She loves to stick her nose in others business. She does things wrong and than gets mad that you would even suggest she is doing something bad. When things were rough in my life, she was never there to help me emotionally. She always tried to pry into my personal life and makes me feel guilty about lots of things. It is like she suffocated me. She always sheltered and always made me afraid of people and trying new things."

I will be making lots of references to them throughout my posts.
Author:  10klvrsin1 [ Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:44 am ]
Post subject:  reply
Today was hot outside. I went to swim at a waterpark. After getting there, I see a lot of beautiful women everywhere. I could not get my mind off of how sexy they looked. I thought to myself, I know how to get these women to like me. The problem is, I just don't believe in myself to allow me to do it. So I ended up torturing myself by just looking at them the rest of the day.

Later on, I was in line for a ride and these two women start talking to me. They were average looking. As they started talking to me I felt very insecure. My mind was racing, I don't want to say something stupid. Or what if I offend them? Or they seem like they could be bitches, what if they get mad at me? So I just tried to listen and not say anything that would make me look stupid. I felt very uptight and tense. This is the same problem I have when talking to women. I can't put my finger on why this happens and it is really frusturating!!!
Author:  10klvrsin1 [ Wed Jun 29, 2011 5:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Learned Helplessness
Another problem that my parents caused me is learned helplessness. They have got me so dependant on them, that I can't do anything on my own. I feel like I am in such a rut because of it and don't know how to get out.

My parents have been very controlling and condescending towards me. They make me feel like I cannot survive without them. Their ways are the only right ones.

I suggest to them about me moving out and they make me feel like it is a horrible idea. So I just stay living with them and have to wait for marriage to be able to move out. Living with someone of the opposite sex out of wedlock is like the ultimate sin to them. Yet my father is a hardcore porn addict and thinks no one knows.

Cars are an interest of mine. I have loved them from a young age. When I have a a car problem or want to work on a classic car that I have, it is like I can't take action to fix anything without my fathers help or approval. Helping him work on cars when I was younger, he made me feel inferior and that I was stupid. So now I feel inept unless he helps me.

My parents also do my laundry, don't make me pay bills, try to find me women to date, and basically smother me. These are just some of the things weighing on me right now. Im sure I will think of more later.
Author:  Gaius [ Fri Jul 01, 2011 6:48 am ]
Post subject: 
Often times I do not agree with the conventional techniques of PUA teachings "just go and do it." But for your unique situation it may be best for you to get out and start doing small things on your own. Being independent is a marvelous thing. Most men on these forums don’t cherish that freedom. If you don’t have a job, get one. If you have a job start saving up to buy a car, if you have a car already then save up to rent your own apartment. Have plans to move out and become independent. Don't view not paying bills as a travesty but as an opportunity to get your money saved up to move to the next phase of life. Slowly make your self independent, and tell no one of your intentions, and slowly mold your self into your own man. If you live near a town then go out and talk to people once a week as a sort of relaxation exercise. Start doing little things like keeping your room tidy, going for walks, and saving money for what you want. It'll help you become independent in no time.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,

Gaius
Author:  10klvrsin1 [ Sun Jul 03, 2011 5:07 am ]
Post subject:  reply
Today I set out to open a target and examine my interaction. I spotted a target and ran in indirect opener. She opened well and seemed to be interested in my routine. While I was in set, trigger anxiety fired away. The feeling like I was inadequate and a loser came over my body. When I felt that, I ejected from the interaction. I tried to make myself feel good for doing an approach, but I knew I became a pussy and didn't push myself.

Along with being insecure, I have a huge ego problem. Not in a boastful way, but in a way that it tries to protect my fragile feelings. Usually my ego tells me things like "she is too hot for me", "i don't want to bother her", or "im not feeling it today". These are all limiting beliefs my ego tells me to protect me from rejection. Same thing when I am in a set. My trigger anxiety flares up and I start thinking "Wow, her life is better than mine", I don't know what to say next", "there is probably a lot of way cool people in her life", or "what can I possibly offer her?"

My question is how do I overcome my ego? I am like a slave to it and it rules my life. I know the goal is to start small. But my ego rarely ever lets me attempt small tasks because my ego is so fragile.
Author:  Gaius [ Wed Jul 06, 2011 10:21 am ]
Post subject: 
Find something important to do outside of women for now. Women are seriously not all that important, and to be honest there are many more constructive things you could be doing than worrying about them. There is one concept that is important it is beyond all other concepts, "time." Everything has its season. Everything flows in its own way. You must give your self time to grow, wonder, and understand. As long as you still have your life good things can still come. Have patience and attend to other parts of your life first, like your independence. Talk to people and get some friends. Worry about women later. Women are seriously your least important problem as of now...
Author:  10klvrsin1 [ Mon Jul 11, 2011 4:36 am ]
Post subject: 
Gaius you are right. I need to work on my inner game before I will have success approaching.

Today I felt very sad for the wasted years I have spent in misery. Growing up throughout the years, I watched as others enjoyed life and I was left wondering when my time would come. I now realize that I have a disease. Overcoming it is the only way I can be free. I did some reading and discovered that my ego holds me hostage. It rules every aspect of my life. My ego has lots of power over me. I am under its command. It is the main reason for my life being a mess. I am soo pissed off at life right now :twisted: Why can't I just be a normal fucking person and not have this huge weight on me? I just want to be have a friends and be able to select women. I don't have either :( The worst part is I have no one to talk to about my problems. I can't afford to visit a therapist. I just want to get on a right path that will lead me out of this mental mess. I don't care how long it takes, I WANT TO CONQUER MY FEARS!!!
Author:  Gaius [ Mon Jul 11, 2011 11:11 pm ]
Post subject: 
Just focus on what you can fix at the moment and worry about the rest later. If your only focus is what you don't have you'll never move past where you're at now. It will take a lot of strength and courage to move beyond your current state of mind. And you will feel like committing suicide or in my case killing people and wiping them from the face of the Earth. But it's that struggle and overcoming it that will make you stronger than 90% of the people on this forum. The fact that you didn't kill your self or others but instead focused that energy into something positive is a grave indicator of the potential you possess. Don’t get weak on the journey.

The truth is you will never fix your family. Trust me, I've tried. But my quest to understand my family has made life easier. Simply try to understand the other people in your family, stop worrying about your ego and being normal. People can call you names and try to harm you. It is up to you to be unbothered.

Start off with the goal of trying to afford a therapist since that is a big issue. Go look for a job that has a decent wage in something that you are good in and then pay for a therapist your self. I've ran into similar problems. Actually I found out that school offers therapy in my case. It was a great relief. If you attend a local college, see if they offer those services or see if there is someone who can waive the fees. I am sure there is someone around your area who will wave the fees.

I want you to do a few things for me from now on.

1.) When you get up in the morning make your bed up and tidy up your room every day, regardless if the world is ending (hyperbole).

2.) Cut your lawn once a week if you don't already do that.

3.) Cut your hair once a week if you don't.

4.) Wash your own clothes, fold them, and put them away. Once a week, every week unless money is tight then do it every two weeks.

5.) For at least 2 pre-scheduled days a week, look for a job if you don't have one, for at least 2 hours.

6.) I want to really search Google, yahoo, and MSN hard for therapy in your local area. Call and see if any of the therapists will waive the fees or have a sliding pay scale.

7.) Get a skill. I don't care if it's in finances/business, medical, technical, or something artsy. Just find something you like to do and can sell it. Art can be a great business if you know what the hell you’re doing. Most art people forget that they have to pay light bills at the end of the month. So bottom line is, make a list of what you like to do and work towards that as a career.

8.) Get a plan. For a few days or weeks just brainstorm all the things you want to do and then write a few rough drafts and translate that into a plan.

The reason I gave these task is because you told me that your parents cuddle you and don't let you do anything. The first domain you must gain respect in is the home. Help around the house and prove you can do things for your self. You'll begin to take pride in your surroundings and want to improve them even more.

If you prove to me that you can do these few things then you are ready to move forward in life. If not you might take a bit but you’ll get there. The best way to get a sense of direction is to get a plan. You don’t have to be obsessive compulsive like I was but just get a plan.
.
Author:  chill46 [ Mon Jul 18, 2011 2:32 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Gaius you are right. I need to work on my inner game before I will have success approaching.

Today I felt very sad for the wasted years I have spent in misery. Growing up throughout the years, I watched as others enjoyed life and I was left wondering when my time would come. I now realize that I have a disease. Overcoming it is the only way I can be free. I did some reading and discovered that my ego holds me hostage. It rules every aspect of my life. My ego has lots of power over me. I am under its command. It is the main reason for my life being a mess. I am soo pissed off at life right now :twisted: Why can't I just be a normal fucking person and not have this huge weight on me? I just want to be have a friends and be able to select women. I don't have either :( The worst part is I have no one to talk to about my problems. I can't afford to visit a therapist. I just want to get on a right path that will lead me out of this mental mess. I don't care how long it takes, I WANT TO CONQUER MY FEARS!!!
Before i offer my advice to you i want know what are your goals? What do you want to get out of Pick Up? what kind of life would you like to live when this journey is over?

If your goal is to conquer your fears the fastest way to get over your fear is to go do the fear. You might say while at your computer that you will approach the next girl you find attractive but will you say next time when the time comes

The thing is its easier to avoid your fears than to do em. When you become scared of talking to a girl and end up not chatting to her, YOU JUST MISSED THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO OVERCOME YOURS FEARS. The only time you will be able to get over your fear of talking to girls is to do it when the time arises.

The random people that you talk to do NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT, know you personally. So every approach you do is just feedback on how you approached them, NOT feedback on what kind of person you are. after all they do not even know you.

If you really are serious about conquering your fears STOP wasting your opportunities to conquer them

Are you the type of person who says

"I WANT TO CONQUER MY FEARS"

OR

"I CONQUER MY FEARS"

which do you want to be? the choice is up to you. but seriously what do you want to get out of pick up?
Author:  10klvrsin1 [ Mon Jul 18, 2011 4:38 am ]
Post subject:  reply
"What do you want to get out of Pick Up? what kind of life would you like to live when this journey is over?"

I want to be able to have my choice of a lot of women to be able to choose a woman for me to marry someday. The only way to find a woman perfect for me is to have the ability to be with quality women. Learning pick up is my only opportunity. I want to be able to live an abundant life. Being able to have people in my social circle who add value to my life and make it even better.

You are very right about conquering fears. It is easy to pump myself up while here on the forum, but in real time I can't conquer them. I for some reason cannot get myself to take action and approach. That is frusturating. The worst part is I don't know why I can't take action.
Author:  Gaius [ Tue Jul 19, 2011 12:11 am ]
Post subject: 
10 have you even done the stuff I've asked you to do? It seems like your getting stuck worried about the big stuff when you haven't even handled the little stuff yet. You still can't shake off mommy and daddy. As long as that noose is around your neck you'll be stuck under their tree. Don't worry about women if you can clean your room. If your room is dirty where will you fuck them? If you’re dirty why should women not think of you as dirt?

Conquering your fears is a great thing if that's the part of life your at. Right now you can't even do things for your self. So why would you over extend your self and try to break habits that took years to form? I have to admit that even I am having some problems. My plan didn't turn out the way I wanted it but I still haven't given up. I still have kept my self on track and still move forward. The most important step in life is self-maintenance. If you can't take care of your self and your business what makes you think you can move on to bigger things and take other peoples' garbage?

People say dream big and make big stuff happen but the truth is in life it's the little stuff that counts. Start there and move forward from that point and then identify the big things you want to accomplish.

I do agree with the other guy about conquering your fears. I'm just hoping you've conquered the clutter in your room before you go worrying about others.

My mother always told me this when I was young and it took me until now to understand what she meant. She told me a man’s room is a reflection of who he is. If his room is neat, organized, and maintained then that is how the man is. If garbage is hidden in the closet and underneath the beds then he is secretly full of garbage and you won’t see this till later. And if junk is lying around his room then he doesn’t care about him self so why should you care about him?

So let me ask you this 10, how exactly does your room look? Is it clean, messy, or does it have garbage hidden? I seriously want you to post the state of your room.

Think about it, my mom may have a point.
Author:  10klvrsin1 [ Tue Jul 19, 2011 4:26 am ]
Post subject:  reply
Gaius, I spent time searching for work and have found a job. I now work many hours per week.

The rest of the tasks I have not accomplished. I have learned helplessness, where I feel like I shouldn't even bother to attempt the things you mentioned. Another thing I fear is that I will offend my parents if I start to do the things that they have typically done for me. Times in my past when I try to assert myself to independance, was met with my mother making me feel guilty for not needing her. It is like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to become self-sufficient, but not offend my parents.

You are right about my room. It is very messy with garbage burried under the bed. I cleaned it a while back, but now it is back to where it was.
Author:  Gaius [ Tue Jul 19, 2011 6:28 am ]
Post subject:  Re: reply
Quote:
Gaius, I spent time searching for work and have found a job. I now work many hours per week.

The rest of the tasks I have not accomplished. I have learned helplessness, where I feel like I shouldn't even bother to attempt the things you mentioned. Another thing I fear is that I will offend my parents if I start to do the things that they have typically done for me. Times in my past when I try to assert myself to independance, was met with my mother making me feel guilty for not needing her. It is like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to become self-sufficient, but not offend my parents.

You are right about my room. It is very messy with garbage burried under the bed. I cleaned it a while back, but now it is back to where it was.
Congrats on the job and keep it up job wise. For the rest, it was as I thought. If you can't even assert your self at home where you're an equal partner how will you do it with others or even women? You are no longer a child and should not be treated as one. The reason most parents give children chores when they are young is so that children learn discipline and self-reliance. Like I said, start small and assert you’re self in a small way. If you can't even assert your self and gain respect at home what makes you think you can do it with women?

Your family may not be perfect but it's the only family you got. A lot of people say escaping or getting away from your parents is the answer. I argue the opposite. I say that once your parents see the changes in you they will start to be positively influenced themselves and change their own lives.

Don't listen to your mother making you feel guilty. Stay focused and determined. Keep on going ahead even when she gets negative. Your mother is scared that she will lose you if you become independent. She must one day come to terms with the idea of you leaving the nest. Do the things I told you to do and do them for several weeks. I can guarantee you that your life will be revolutionized and you will be prepared for the next phase of life. Trust me on this one. Once your parents see the positive change they will certainly try their best to follow.

I typically do not agree with this view but you can’t keep pussy-footing around and doing nothing. Do the small tasks I have asked you to and will gain confidence and courage. Stop being afraid to take action and move forward in your life. Realize that this first step will not be easy. The key is taking that first step. Most people come into PUA expecting a quick fix. But in all reality it takes a long time to reverse habits and behaviors we have formed over the span of most our lives. With hard work and determination you can fix this and bring out the best in your self.

I hope this message wasn’t too long and I hope this helps.

Sincerely,

Gaius
Author:  stevio [ Fri Oct 28, 2011 8:44 pm ]
Post subject: 
Hi 10klvrsin1.

I can feel your pain man. Even though I wasn't abused as a kid thank God by my parents. I did get bullied by kids from an eairly age. at school mainly and was put thru hell.

It was only when I got older I got away from all that nonesense. People say school days were there best time but not for me.

Anyway I'm moving on like you and wish you all the best.

best,
Steve.
PS good news on the job by the way!
Author:  apollosan [ Sat Nov 19, 2011 10:45 am ]
Post subject: 
i actually have the same issues with my parents...But I believe that they are part of who I am. And avoiding or getting out of them will not give any closure. I suggest the instead of getting away from them, you should "conquer" them instead....
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