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| The negative side of avoiding negative emotions https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=93489 |
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| Author: | thenaturalselection [ Thu Jun 09, 2011 10:50 am ] |
| Post subject: | The negative side of avoiding negative emotions |
About two years ago I came out of a 9 month relationship with a girl. She was gorgeous, outgoing and slightly crazy (travelling 8 months around the world solo at just 18 about sums it up). I won't go into the details of how and why the relationship ended (although this is an important) as it is not the theme of this post. After we ended, I found myself in a self-destructive state of mind, drinking myself to death three nights a week, having sex with whatever girl I could find and acting more and more like a jerk towards my ex. All this had the underlying subtext of "I don't give a fuck". And to be honest, for a while it felt pretty liberating - finally free to go out and not worry what I got up to, it felt like a world I had almost forgotten. However underneath the facade I put on, and felt at times, was an intelligent, grounded and caring man that wanted to shine. A month later after a drunken night in which I ended up looking after her, I did. We started seeing each other again, the passion came alive and back came the security of being with someone again. The only problem was, I knew deep down that once the initial heat slowed down, and things got back to how it was with her, that a long term relationship between us would not work out. After a while I called it quits, deciding that at the present time we both needed space but would pursue a friendship down the track. Now, remember that self-destructive boy that came out when we first broke up? He came back again, but only for a few moments. You see, it's okay to go out and get messy just after a relationship, it's normal and there's nothing wrong with going on the rebound. The problem comes when you continue to do it as an avoidance mechanism towards the negative emotions you feel towards the breakup and this starts to impact on other areas of your life. Like if you find yourself slipping off the goals yourself, perhaps you aren't weightlifting as much as you were, or perhaps you stop putting effort in with your studies or work, all while under the 'cool' mindset of "I don't give a fuck". How I stopped this? I was sitting on the train shortly after, thinking about the messy weekend that was coming up. All of a sudden I stopped and thought to myself, yeah I am going to go out and party this weekend - but in the mean time I'm going to focus on what I've gotta do, on the short term goals that thirty minutes before had had my complete attention that I had now almost forgotten. I thought a little more and realised that I was actually a little down, I felt a little lonely having let her go a second time. And almost instantly, that "don't care" attitude was replaced by one of acceptance. I accepted my reality and what had happened as a necessary short term decision that would lead to greater happiness (for myself and her) in the future. It was like I wasn't bullshitting myself anymore. I didn't feel the need to escape my own reality by drowning my sorrows, in that instance I learnt a valuable lesson - firstly you gotta accept your emotions to take control of them and your life. |
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