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I'm Too Fucking Nice
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Author:  X_Factor360 [ Thu Dec 01, 2011 5:35 am ]
Post subject:  I'm Too Fucking Nice
Seriously.

I try to please EVERYONE all the time.

It's mentally exhausting.

I'm always changing my behavior depending on what group I'm around.

I'm always seekin approval from others, ESPECIALLY women

Every ex-girlfriend's words: "I love you. You are the nicest guy I've ever known. We just aren't meant for each other"

The thing is, I'm so fucking cool. I hang out with cool people, do cool fucking things (travel places, skydive, etc), and give off a very cool vibe.

What is wrong with me? I HATE this feeling of having to be manipulative and secretive ALL THE TIME.
Author:  AFC AzA [ Thu Dec 01, 2011 8:11 am ]
Post subject: 
hows your relationship with your mother ? I used to seek approvel from women all the time. Dont know why, might be my relationship with my mom wasn't that great.
Author:  X_Factor360 [ Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:58 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
hows your relationship with your mother ? I used to seek approvel from women all the time. Dont know why, might be my relationship with my mom wasn't that great.
She died when I was 11.
Author:  Bond-007 [ Fri Dec 02, 2011 1:10 am ]
Post subject: 
I feel you man.
Same shit here, if you ever find an answer please share, I dont know why I keep doing it, even when I know its a test and itll mean not getting the girl I still do it.

Im not that cool, Im cool enough, but I come off as way to cocky most of the time, and Im too fucking nice.
Author:  MynameisFisher [ Fri Dec 02, 2011 9:02 am ]
Post subject: 
I can so relate to this. I used to seek everyone's approval. Just confront yourself about this. You have to make your mind believe what you already know that this behaviour will not get you anywhere. FORCE yourself not to behave like this. When someone asks you a favour you don't feel like doing just refuse in a non-offending way. You will see that you'll have little more respect step by step and you may eventually internalize it. But I'm still working on this at this moment too. Besides my body language this is probably my biggest flaw.
Author:  Ruggedized [ Fri Dec 02, 2011 9:18 am ]
Post subject: 
As for with the women, you are the nice guy that all your girlfriends could talk to and be open with, but not the adventurous guy they fell in love with because all the adventure was gone when they got you and you didn't do unpredictable things. More than likely because you wanted to please her.

I used to be that way growing up. I got in a fight with a kid in junior high school and the next day he was trying to steal from a gas station and I offered to pay for his 2 candy bars rather than let the grocery store be shop lifted.

Try thinking in a selfish way. Ask youself, "What's in it for me?" It sounds like a dbag way to live, but you can't be everyone's servant all the time or you will expend a lot of energy, time, and money trying to appease everyone's wants.


-Ruggedized
Author:  skorpis [ Fri Dec 02, 2011 4:46 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Quote:
hows your relationship with your mother ? I used to seek approvel from women all the time. Dont know why, might be my relationship with my mom wasn't that great.
She died when I was 11.
Voila. Could it be that You seek the unconditional love from the parent in others? Like, You try to satisfy them as you would have done with your mother. Which would probably reveal that your love from your mother was not undonditional.
Author:  Juvv [ Fri Dec 02, 2011 5:23 pm ]
Post subject: 
I am on a similar boat, working on getting of it - I always thought the easiest way to fix this is to move away from everyone who see you everyday and view you as a nice guy who is cool and right from the get go start of being more authoritative and adventurous. I would love to do this, but just isn't possible. Perhaps making the change subtly over-time would be a way to go and incorporating all the aspects of a natural into your everyday life would help, I am aiming to do this in my life as well.
Author:  Genjoi [ Fri Dec 09, 2011 8:01 pm ]
Post subject: 
I'm always seeking approval from woman too. It FUCKING blows.
Author:  marty12345 [ Sat Dec 10, 2011 1:03 pm ]
Post subject: 
The "what's in it for me" guys are also indulging in approval seeking behaviour. They like to tell you they just do whatever they want to do for self amusement. But they also make sure you notice they are doing that because, god for bid, someone didn't seem them acting like that for long enough to validate them.

I don't want to get into Freud here but if there are issues regarding the passing of a parent then they should be dealt with by a professional.

You say you change your behaviour depending upon which group you are around?

Well, that's natural. We all do that. The greatest survival mechanism the human being has is it's ability to adapt to things. We adapt to different people we meet and we adapt to different groups.

Yes, yes, we like to think that the key is to be this domineering imbecile who does what he wants and to hell with everybody else. But that's simply not what we do. The best PUA in the world behaves differently in field than he would do having Christmas lunch with his family.

The only time we get into trouble with this is when we lose touch with our own identity and feel that we can't express ourselves in a group because the members of that group think and feel we should act how they want/expect us to act.

You go on to say that you're always seeking approval from others especially women.

Well, again, to a certain extent, this is natural. We all want to fit in somewhere. We all want that sense of belonging. You even see this in PUA communities.

But ask yourself: why is the approval of other people so important to you?

And what happened to you approving of yourself? Because I am guessing there's been people who haven't liked you in the past and you did not just curl up and die because they didn't like you. You responded by approving of yourself and carrying on with your life. And you can do so again.

Sometimes it helps us to get some sense that we are attractive to women. Trouble is too much of this ends up looking like needy validation seeking behaviour and women run from that kind of thing.

Best not to ask "what's wrong with me?" The mind tends to like finding answers to questions even if there are no real answers to find. Avoid powerfully negative questions like that.

Fitting in and balancing that with being your true self is tough. But at the end of the day, is it better that people love you for who you actually are then for who they think you are.
Author:  supa-1 [ Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:26 am ]
Post subject:  nice guys Illusion
generally speaking, nice guys really aren't nice at all. More often than not they are guys that have not accept their own bad behaviour, blame others particularly females For past indiscretions, and are generally emotionally immature.

There is an outside chance that you are a genuine nice guy. Things that may help include, but not limited to, never tell a woman what to do unless she Directly asked you what you think. pay attention and be interested but never solve their problems for them. Free yourself from feeling responsible for their lives. Secondly, and hard to get man/a man of the world, always make sure you get something out of every situation/circumstance/involvement. true it does sound like a real prick of a way of doing things but if you're having trouble finding balance in that arena those two ideas will help.
Author:  Alex Ramones [ Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: I'm Too Fucking Nice
Quote:
I try to please EVERYONE all the time.

I'm always changing my behavior depending on what group I'm around.

I'm always seekin approval from others, ESPECIALLY women

What is wrong with me? I HATE this feeling of having to be manipulative and secretive ALL THE TIME.
X Factor,

Our behavior as humans is determined by the beliefs we hold to be true, and if your beliefs are set up in such a way that you require to be pleasing to people in order to feel comfortable, you will naturally try to please everyone all the time. If you find and eliminate all of the beliefs that cause this behavior, the behavior will disappear.

I can't know for sure without talking to you, but I would guess that you believe something along the lines of: "What makes me okay is having people think well of me" or "What makes me good enough is having people be pleased with me" or "The way to be accepted is to have people like me".

Check out my thread on beliefs, or google Morty Lefkoe, or talk to me on SPAM. I'll make your problem disappear. No charge.
Author:  Valdemar1 [ Sun Feb 26, 2012 11:51 am ]
Post subject: 
I use to seek approval too, maybe i still do it, but definitely less now!
What i did was that i started just being arrogant trying to be less sweet when people talked to me, started to say good things about myself out loud, before i started doing this if a girl gave me a compliment i would saying thanks over and over again..
now if a girls give me a compliment like: you're pretty hot! i will say something like "no shit", "i know?" or something like that, and i think it kinda works! i also started wearing sunglasses even though it ain't sunny and i can really feel that people think im more arrogant!
Author:  Ruggedized [ Wed Mar 07, 2012 7:42 pm ]
Post subject: 
The truth of the matter is the "nice guys" aren't losing out, or they think they aren't. They are nice to people, especially women, in the hope that they will gain approval and acceptance from that person. Some of us adapted this behavior because we have felt outcast by most of the people we've come across. Some of us are self conscious in every step we take during the day.

The key fundamental principle in pick up starts with inner game. You can spit lines and come off as a confident person, but the other posters are right when they say it is better to be loved for who you are. If you are ok with yourself, ok with rejection, and ok with the fact that every woman does not want to sleep with you, you will find the percentage in the world that does. Be yourself, but change your outlook and you will see success.


-Ruggedized
Author:  InnerGameConfidence [ Thu Apr 19, 2012 11:33 pm ]
Post subject: 
You've definitely come to the right page. Inner game is what it's all about.

Pleasing people, particularly girls, is an easy trap to fall into. You say something nice, they smile or laugh, you feel accomplished by making them happy for the moment. You're trying to fill an empty space inside yourself but its like trying to put a square peg into a round hole.

The truth is compliments are short term. Later that day it will be out of their mind. This is why you gotta have a hook, something to be remembered by.

You have one advantage by being a nice guy: you know what a nice guy would say - the predictable thing. Say or even do something unpredictable and experiment with it.

To make a change in yourself, experiment. Be the change and pull it off with confidence.
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