here's the story - some 3 years ago a, in my books, a HB10 sat across me on the bar terrace with a coy smile while i was alone sipping beer. she knew me from before, her cousin and i have been best friends since we were little. she added me on fb and approached me once before but she was too young back then (15) for me to do anything. when she sat across me we talked for a bit and since i was unable to spit any game at her i made a pullback. some half an hour later i found her and sat across her to talk. she asked me why did i come, i'm guessing pissed at me for doing basically nothing half an hour earlier. we talked a bit, i found an opportunity to playfully push on her bun while she was looking down, she thought it was her friend sitting next to her. nothing really happened so i bailed out.
the next day we were out once again (she was in such a ridiculous outfit i was like omg wtf, i should add that i'm quite certain she's one of those hyper feminine women, a bunch of hormones) and i playfully asked will she go on a picnic with me, half serious half kidding. she asked what, i said let's go have a joint together, she asked if she has to walk much, i looked at her platforms and said fuck it. we made arrangements to have one with some other people behind the bar where everyone drinks. we went there, she sat next to a male friend and i sat somewhat across her, with another friend of hers i hardly knew. i noticed she was looking at me again over the glass, that look girls have when they're really interested. i wasn't really talking to anyone and started to feel like an idiot and i wanted her to come over so when a girl with a fine ass was walking behind her i looked at her ass and made a face, hoping she would get jealous and come talk to me. she got jealous alright, she got up, sat in another friend of hers lap and started making out with him. fml. i decided to wait for the joint and bail when it's done.
when i came home that night, i couldn't play it cool and i asked if she did it because of what i did. she said she was drunk. i chided her and said i'll talk to her tomorrow. she said ok. tomorrow i realized i was in love with her. we chatted over fb for a while but i couldn't get her to go out with me so i let go. after a while, it got worse, i couldn't stop thinking about her but i wouldn't contact her, at least not directly. some months later i lost it and started to try and figure her out through symbolism of stuff she was posting on fb with goal of using the same symbolism to contact her indirectly, it ended up a clusterfuck that would eventually land me in a psych ward, twice. it was because i couldn't get over her, i had a totally insane desire, i have never experienced something like that. after the second psych ward stay i finally gave up.
some months later, she accepted my friend request on fb (she had a new profile), i added her before i ended up in the ward for the second time. i didn't do anything, i wasn't thinking of her anymore. fast forward to 3 months ago - i decided to contact her. she was willing to talk. i asked her to go out with me next time she's around she said we'll talk about it. been chatting with her for 2 months, didn't really lead anywhere but she was willing to talk and stopped after she rejected my request to send me a photo before going out that night. i said ok, i see you've had it, i won't bug you anymore if it's not anything important. i was going to her city some 10 days later so i asked her if she'd like to have some coffee with me. she said no, i'm studying. 10 more days i caved in and sent her a trashy song as a joke. we exchanged a few words and i ended with you're crazy, don't talk to me. this was 2 days ago.
i want her a lot, i don't think i'm in love with her anymore and it occurred to me to ask her if she thinks i'm still in love with her or not. should i even ask this?
EDIT: just realized that i still give a fuck. i'm fighting a losing battle.