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Ex - Taking a break and Confusion
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Author:  Drak [ Tue Aug 16, 2011 9:53 am ]
Post subject:  Ex - Taking a break and Confusion
Hi - first time posting a topic, lurker for a long time.


My girlfriend and I are both at university, been going out for 5 months and been seeing eachother for a few months before that. Things got quite serious quite quickly and we're still living together this year whatever way things go (cant get out of that one). It was the kind of relationship where I was always certain she'd be crazy about me unless I did something royally wrong, I know I'm a good boyfriend, and I've done things to keep the interest going and not particularly AFC.

Anyway, fast forward to summer, where we've had to spend 3 months apart, so far 2 months, in which time I've seen her a few times. We had 1 argument about me not being comfortable with her parents (I am really) and another argument where she thought i was gonna end things with her, and the 2 weeks following that she's talked herself into breaking up with me. So she came to visit me and did it, during the process she changed her mind 5 times because she seems genuinely confused. She ended it with we're on a break until we both get back to university.

The next day she messaged me telling me she missed me, I ignored it not wanting to give her the ego boost I thought she was seeking and changed the subject. She pushed it again and said that she'd been thinking about us a lot and misses me and is really doubting her decision, but didnt want to screw with my head. I suggested some fun at a festival we're going to next month, and then have a couple of dates when she gets back and we'll see where it goes from there. She said this sounded great, I told her take the time with her decision and I'm not gonna pressure her either way. I then asked that we remain a couple in the mean time, she said that it wasnt ideal for her, but that she could compromise. (Makes me think i havent lost ALL control).

She still messages me everyday but I'm keeping my replies to a minimum in order to give her proper space. I know in this situation guys get walked all over and give all the power over, but I'm not sure if my judgement is clouded, but I genuinely dont think its the case. I dont think shes fucking over my head on purpose for her own ego gains, I genuinely think she's very confused about whether or not she likes me still, but she knows that she WANTS to like me. We're both 20 and this is her first serious relationship, she has such a good time with her friends back home and only sees me once a month, I think maybe this was to be expected. I'm hoping that when she gets back and we have a couple of dates and I show her a good time she'll come back. I can understand her confusion and why she was upset and convinced herself why she didnt love me, I think she might have done it as self preservation thing subconsciously

Apologies for the wall of text, I just wanted the whole story out there.

My questions are, I'm not being walked over am I? And if when she comes back still unsure should I plan a grand romantic gesture, or just play it casual? And has anyone had any experience to similar situations.

Thanks very very much for reading and your replies
Author:  P1nkstar [ Tue Aug 16, 2011 2:38 pm ]
Post subject: 
I don't think you are being walked over. I understand where those feelings come from. You are dependant on what she wants (relationship, yes or no). Not on what you want. Therefor, i would switch on focussing what you want. You want that relationship back? Yes, i can understand from your post. If you want it back, seems like ur on good track. And I Would just go for a casual date first when she gets back. Get some drinks and fuck her brains out ;). If you don't want her back, just break all contact.

Cheers!
Author:  Drak [ Tue Aug 16, 2011 4:48 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
I don't think you are being walked over. I understand where those feelings come from. You are dependant on what she wants (relationship, yes or no). Not on what you want. Therefor, i would switch on focussing what you want. You want that relationship back? Yes, i can understand from your post. If you want it back, seems like ur on good track. And I Would just go for a casual date first when she gets back. Get some drinks and fuck her brains out ;). If you don't want her back, just break all contact.

Cheers!
Thanks for the reply man, yeah I do definitely want a relationship back, obviously it'll be a struggle to trust she wont do it again and that, but I think when she realises it was the distance that made her think like this, next time it will be ok.

Yeah thats definitely the plan for when she comes back, I imagine thats whats going to happen at the festival in between as well, when I see her next month.

She messaged me again today saying shes been distracted all day thinking about us, I left it ages to reply and just asked in what way she was thinking about us? And sorry to hear it was distracting her and I just wanted her to be happy about it all. If she replies that she's unsure again I'm just gonna leave it and change the subject again. Good approach?
Author:  P1nkstar [ Tue Aug 16, 2011 5:58 pm ]
Post subject: 
The fact that you can't see her and can't see her emotions (Only by txt). Is probably making you insecure a bit. Cause she can mean this in the good way. That she is distracted by the happy toughts she has of you 2. Not that she's worrying (she wouldn't txt that probably). Don't let too much negative toughts slip in your brain my friend :)

Cheers!
Author:  Psych3r [ Tue Aug 16, 2011 7:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Ex - Taking a break and Confusion
Quote:
We had 1 argument about me not being comfortable with her parents (I am really) and another argument where she thought i was gonna end things with her, and the 2 weeks following that she's talked herself into breaking up with me. So she came to visit me and did it, during the process she changed her mind 5 times because she seems genuinely confused. She ended it with we're on a break until we both get back to university.
Dude, been through this exact Bullshit more than once. It fits a very specific pattern, and that pattern unfortunately is "double life".

She has a boyfriend back home, and when she's home she wants to fuck him, when she's not home, she thinks of you. It sucks ass, and it hurts like a chainsaw, but it's the facts.

Re-read what you wrote with the idea of "she is trying to find an excuse to be single at home" and it will click.

You are not the first sucker to be played like that, and def won't be the last. But noow you need to make a decisions. Knowing she used you as convenience while away from her true love, do you still want to be emotional with her? OR, knowing she lied to you, is she worth the effort to still fuck.

Depending on your answer, either user her when she is willing to be used, but keep yourself from getting hurt anymore, or drop her like a hot rock and find someone who will be truthful and sincere to you.

That is my advice, harsh as it may seem.
Author:  Drak [ Tue Aug 16, 2011 10:07 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thanks for your reply, I genuinely know thats not the case, like I'd bet my life on it haha, its not even a possibility.

Alot of new stuff has been thrown in the mix now though about her parents not liking me and what not.
Author:  nnguy625 [ Wed Aug 17, 2011 7:17 am ]
Post subject: 
Hey man,

Don't plan out a romantic date and make it fancy and everything because you don't know what's going through her head. If she's unsure and you planned something big, she's going to feel pressured and she's going to run.

Also, she's not playing with you from what I'm reading. She still has feelings for you, so there is hope.

I suggest just hanging out with her, do something fun. Do something that the both of you can share a good moment, good laughs, and possibly a nice memory to think about before going to sleep. Talk to her, listen to her, make her feel important and wanted. Show her that you desire her. Show her that you really care about her and just don't be afraid to reveal your emotions. Don't let your fears and doubts screw you over. If there's one thing I've learned from my relationships, it's the fear of being hurt and not stepping it up and lose the girl. You gotta know that she has feelings for you, she still wants you, and just roll with it and let it happen. Don't doubt yourself and even let a single thought of negativity enter your mind. Don't expect too much either. Just be in the moment and be with her, if you can share the "present" meaning to be truly physically, mentally, and emotionally in the moment with her without asking for anything in return, she will be yours. Do what you can through text, and know you can have her again once you guys do get back together. It's inevitable. It's not if, it's when. It's a matter of time.



- Nelson
Author:  Drak [ Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:04 am ]
Post subject: 
Thanks alot nelson

Last night she told me we probably would get back together, but now her mum has seriously fucked with her head and told her she shouldnt no way and that her mum doesnt like me, and now shes just as confused as she ever was.

Also, do you think when we get back I should sleep with her straight away or make it non physical for the first date or two? Seeing as we'll be living together and going back to our place after, its almost a certainty that something would happen
Author:  camus154 [ Wed Aug 17, 2011 7:09 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Thanks for your reply, I genuinely know thats not the case, like I'd bet my life on it haha, its not even a possibility.
It's ALWAYS a possibility. I don't care how great the woman is or how much you love her. I'm not saying she's cheating on you or that she would--this isn't about her, it's about you. I guess what I'm saying is, don't become so blinded with love and trust that you fall into a "it can't happen to me" mindset. That IS setting yourself up for being walked all over.

I can't say what you should do with her, but I will say this. You're asking about how to handle things, freezing her out, how to play it cool, etc. But here's what you have to remember--she broke up with you and now is treating you like a yo-yo, and you're accepting that. No matter how much game you play on her, you're still telling her loud and clear that you're happy to be on stand-by while she makes up her mind.

Obviously I don't know the specifics about what her mom's deal is with you or whether it's justified, but assuming it's not, I'd also ask myself: do I even want to be with a woman who is so clearly dependent on other people's opinions on me or us?

Good luck.
Author:  Dvibe [ Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:08 pm ]
Post subject: 
I'm pulling the no contact thing with my ex to try and get back with her I havent called txted or tried facebooking her. The problem is we are both in a marching band and see each other almost every day. I don't look her way or talk to her. We also both have similar friends in our social circle. How can I apply no contact with my ex if I see we see each other everyday? I want to make her bealive that I don't need her and I truly feel Tht I don't but I would like to win her back. I've been looking at other options as well. Any comments would be helpful.
Author:  nnguy625 [ Thu Aug 18, 2011 7:19 am ]
Post subject: 
sounds like what I've been through.

Well, the parents will always be that Certain obstacle, but are they really important to you? let me rephrase that, are they going to influence how you feel about your girl and your relationship now and towards the future?

I personally think, if you guys love each other, and you Guys both know that there are feelings you guys shouldn't give a fuck about the shit talking from the parents to be honest. Who are they to tell you who to love and who not to love. I understand that if one of you are abusive and manipulative they would want to do that to protect, which is completely understandable, but if that's not the case and you guys honestly have something going and love each other then it is both of your rights and not theirs. they can talk shit and they can try, but if you two really love each other, you guys shouldn't even pay attention to what the mom says.

this goes for her mom and her friends who may have something to say as well. you cant control them and make them stop, they have mouths and they're that kinda ppl. you can't control that, but what you can do is be certain about yourself and your feelings for her as well as the fact thatshe has feelings for you as well. don't worry about the bs focus on what it is that is real, that is there, and what you desire and that's all that matters.


as for sex, my advice dont think too much. if it happens, let it happen. if it doesn't it will happen eventually. don't try to push for it when she's not ready. just be there, give her time and when she's ready to your initiatives she will respond and you can have sexy time all you want. got it?




- Nelson
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