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Am I an AFC?
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Author:  FastFlyer [ Sun Jun 19, 2011 7:31 am ]
Post subject:  Am I an AFC?
I really need to know because right now I feel like one...

Little background:

I got out of a divorce about 1.5 years ago. It was not my choice and it was pretty painful I lost two of my girls, moved away (Military) and feel like I pissed away 10 years of my life on a woman whose ultimate reason for leaving me was because she said with the infamous quote "I love you but I am not in love with you" very funny, I even laugh to this date.

Anyways fast forward to now. I am in a relationship with a 22yr old. I am almost 32. This girl is great, she is smart, graduated college and works as an intern and is on her way to apply to a Doctorate program next year. She lives in the Bay area and I am stationed down in S California (not the nice part, but in the middle of the desert)

Anyways I met her in Vegas on one of my crazy weekends, she was also there with a few girls for fun. Anyways, we didn’t hook up we just talked and then kissed at the end of the night. I later met her a few weeks later because I was near where she lives. We had a great time hooked up and I left the next day. We talked after that a lot, and right before I deployed she met me once more since the place I was leaving was near her home.

We stayed in contact all throughout my 5 month deployment. We emailed, SPAM or talked at least once a day. After some time we were clearly going for mutual exclusivity and we said we loved each other few months into us talking. Even though it may not seem like it, we took it slow from beginning and neither of us rushed to say it even though we wanted to share that with one another.

Fast forward again to about a month ago when I came back from my deployment. I spent a week with her and it was really great. We didn't fight and only had a great time. About two weeks ago we went to Vegas. We stayed in one room with one of her friends and one of mine. We had a great time and the only time the entire weekend where I had a WTF moment was after we went to a club on the strip and I asked her to pay for her share of the bottle she said that she was cool to pitch in for. She looked at me and said “well I don't have the money right now, I am a poor college student”. I was really pissed at the time and it didn't help that I was drunk. We had an argument, I questioned her love for me and after her friend told me how much she cares for me and after she approached me to echo the same I forgave her.

Other than that episode I have never had issues with her. She acts like a 22yr old she is, but she is very mature and has her life together. She never gives me drama, she doesn't play the jealousy game. But yet I am still feeling jealous. For one I asked her to come down to S Cali to see me so she can meet my daughters who are visiting for the summer. And she basically broke down and told me that she could not do it on her budget. She told me how much money she makes, how much she pays for rent and is recently going from being fully supported by her parents to basically living on her own. I thought about it for a while and told her I would pay for her gas. I feel like a Douche for admitting this but I sent her a check few days ago. She told me she got it today and she also told me she thanked me, apologized that I had to help her out and then said she wanted to go out with her friends tonight but could not even afford a transportation fare to get to the club. I told her to go out anyways. Which she ended up doing.

She thanked me that I was ok with her going out and I didn’t mind but now I really feel like a chump. I guess I am still too fucked up by my previous relationship to really understand if this sounds fucked up or not?

Should I have given her the money for gas to see me and yet she goes out with her friends to party. I mean she is a girl after all and she may not spend too much money on drinks at the club but at the same time I feel like a big dunce. I really Love this girl and I really feel like she Loves me but at the same time part of me is telling me I am doing something wrong.

In my past 1.5 years of being single and dating I have followed many rules that I have learned in this community and I have been on top for most of it but now that I am in a relationship I feel like I am starting to cave. I mean we have a long distance relationship which is tough but I think it will work out. I feel that I should give her space and not try to alter her life to the point that she feels controlled, but I also feel like if she really wanted to see me then she would cut out some things out of her budget to do that.

I am really not sure which path to take.

1. Continue doing what I am doing with a hope that she is legit and not using me. Play the cool guy and act like nothing is bothering me. Don’t question her on her night out and just act like everything is ok.

2. Not give her any more and just put the ball in her court, not have much hopes for the relationship and see what type of sacrifices she makes to prove that she really wants to be in the relationship for me and not the comfort I provide financially. (I am old fashioned when it comes to picking up the tab, but for fuck sakes I never want to be used by any girl)

3. Should have seen Red Flags and look to end the relationship (Please explain why)


She planned to attend Harvard, MIT or top notch schools but told me she would wait until I got my assignment next year to try to get into a school that is closer to where I am going to be stationed. She seems devoted but I honestly cannot gauge if she really is? What would you do?
Author:  Mack 2.0 [ Sun Jun 19, 2011 9:54 am ]
Post subject: 
wait a second...

are you saying you sent her a check for gas to come see you and meet your daughters, and that instead of doing that, she went out with friends?
Author:  calimoxo [ Sun Jun 19, 2011 1:19 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
wait a second...

are you saying you sent her a check for gas to come see you and meet your daughters, and that instead of doing that, she went out with friends?
That right there is enough to NEXT this girl.
Author:  FastFlyer [ Sun Jun 19, 2011 3:54 pm ]
Post subject: 
Well yes, but she never asked for the money. It was my decision to give it to her. Like I said I don't want to alter her life, I know she made the choice to be in a relationship and with that there are sacrifices that are made but at the same time I don't want to control her.

Before I made the offer I was going to come out on my way up there two weeks later, so she probably was happy with that. I know from my Original Post it seems pretty obvious but at the same time relationships aren't so black and white?
Author:  Mack 2.0 [ Sun Jun 19, 2011 5:05 pm ]
Post subject: 
when she said she wasn't coming, did she immediately say that she was going to return the money you gave her?

you know...the money you gave her for gas to come see you and meet your daughters? that money?

did she mention it?

tell the truth.
Author:  sheps [ Sun Jun 19, 2011 5:48 pm ]
Post subject: 
Please dude dont use the ''shes young'' thing to justify her taking your gas money and partying with it. That right there is bullshit. Im 21 and i'd never do something like that nor would i expect any of my mates or any girl my age to do that, if i was out and met her and she told me that i'd be 100% turned off and its not even my munny.

Sheps
Author:  poet1234 [ Sun Jun 19, 2011 8:19 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
she said with the infamous quote "I love you but I am not in love with you" very funny, I even laugh to this date.
I don't think that's funny. There IS a reason why she left you, and you should see into that. This is not something that should be ignored, as you clearly have some problems.
Quote:
This girl is great, she is smart, graduated college and works as an intern and is on her way to apply to a Doctorate program next year
Quote:
she is very mature and has her life together. She never gives me drama, she doesn't play the jealousy game.
I'm sure this is a big part of your problem, perhaps hard to understand SPAM.
See what you do here... is not a healthy way to think about someone, especially a girl you date. You attribute people images and fall in love with images and concepts you have about them. You also give them the chance to disappoint you, by not fulfilling your standards. Leave people as they are !

Even on your terms...mind intelligence does not always equal sincerity, loyalty, etc.
Author:  Wal [ Sun Jun 19, 2011 8:38 pm ]
Post subject: 
From what you describe, it sounds like you guys are both working towards a good relationship, and I don't see where you necessarily have your blinders on here, so I wouldn't be so quick to judge as the above posters. BUT! They do have a point...

Next time, buy her a bus ticket. 8)
Author:  mcare [ Sun Jun 19, 2011 9:48 pm ]
Post subject: 
I agree with Wal.

Yes you should have high standards for yourself and people around you (girls you date). But you don't find a perfect girl and HAVE a good relationship. You find one that you find suitable and BUILD a good relationship (with her; not alone).

If you have doubts talk to her and figure out what her thinking is on that matter. If she can explain her actions and you can use this situation to propel your relationship further than more power to you both. If you can't understand her reasons for doing something then you two have different priorities/standards/etc. Then it's only up to you what that realisation means for your relationship.


There are things that can make you go "NEXT" when begining LTR but you can always ask for her reasoning before deciding.

Edit: you never actualy said if she spend all the money you send her. Did she spend the money and doesn't have enough anymore to visit you? Did she go out and spend a few bucks and is still visiting you?

Are you pissed because she went out despite "being broke" or did she actualy spend all the money you allocated for her visit on some stupid shit?
Author:  Lodewijkp [ Mon Jun 20, 2011 2:09 pm ]
Post subject: 
you trust her too much .. you hypnotized youself into wanted her too much...ask more questions.

anyway did you had sex with her ? how many times ? etc ..
Author:  skills360 [ Tue Jun 21, 2011 4:22 am ]
Post subject: 
First if the girl lives more than 30-45 minutes away, NO WAY, second, the age factor, if the girl is under 24 she ain't ready to settle, she is in CURIOSITY STAGE of her life...
Author:  skills360 [ Tue Jun 21, 2011 4:26 am ]
Post subject: 
If she is your girlfriend i have not problem spending money on my girl, as long as the situation is a give and take situation...Now if you sense she is hustling you that is a different story..
Author:  Fvckitimout [ Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:11 am ]
Post subject: 
Stop blaming your past relationship for "screwing you up." You were in that past relationship, the very reason it ended up how it ended up is your fault as well.

Take responsibility for your actions, im pretty sure you were playing the blame game in your previous relationships.

You know and you feel that you are betraying yourself just to have a shot with this seemingly "promising girl" that is why you have to subconsciously distance yourself from your actions as to keep your ego intact.

For all this trouble shes causing, this girl better be hot. Like what the other guy said, im curious as to whether you actually had sex with her.
Author:  FastFlyer [ Thu Jun 23, 2011 4:46 am ]
Post subject: 
Damn I had this entire response typed up and my computer crashed go figure...

Ok here we go again round 2,

Mack: to answer your question she is still coming down this weekend. Her trip to the club was a different night. I did talk to her couple days ago she said that she spent $10 bucks for cover and she pregamed before they went out so she didn't spend money at the club other than the taxi she split to get to the club.

Sheps: I think you misunderstood what I said, but for an update read above. She really doesn't expect me to pay for her way, she said she felt bad that I had to support her in this way.

Poet: Yes I did have problems but I think I identified them and fixed most of them. I am not blameless but I was willing to stick around and work them out which I tried my X wife was the one that took flight. You can only shoulder some responsibilities but to say that I am completely at fault for my problems is half the story and wrong. Also, there is nothing wrong with looking for qualities in SO like education, intelligence ets. What’s wrong with that? I think that has a lot to do with compatibility and yes it does not predict loyalty, devotion etc but a good gauge nevertheless. It's differences that attract us but similarities that keep us together.

Wal: Haha yeah I should, but when I get in a relationship I get into the provider mode and it tends to backfire on me often.

mcare: totally agree, I don't think anyone is perfect including myself but it makes it tough when there are certain things that I look for in a relationship are not met. She did not spend the money yet, but is waiting to cash the check before she goes on her trip. I basically gave her enough to fill up on gas both ways and have 20-30 bucks for food. I was a little mad because she went out, but later I found out she really didn't spend a lot when she went out. I guess it was the message she was sending that sent my emotions into an irrational judgment.

Lodewijkp: We have had sex many times. Everytime I have been together with her we have had sex except for the first night when I met her. I spent a week with her after my deployment and we had sex every day in the morning and when she came home from work.

Skills: I agree up to a point. She said she did a lot of stuff when she was 18-21 age group. She was in a sorority and had plenty of wild moments. She told me about a lot of them and also admitted she did drugs, she is passed that right now or at least I hope and she really wants to get into a serious relationship. Also, it's really hard for me to tell if she is hustling me because we are in a long distance relationship. That was main reason for my post to get a discussion going to see if there is something I am not seeing or flat out missing.


Fvckitimout: Past relationships can most definitely screw you up, are you kidding me? Yes I was at fault throughout but my X was just as guilty. I did take responsibilities for my action, but I was mostly referring to my insecurities that I have developed from investing ten years in my marriage only to see it fail. What you would not be affected by that? Yeah I call a BS flag on that! She is hot but that’s not a reason to be in a relationship. Seriously before you post, make sure you are not unintelligently attacking someone but have something insightful to say.

Like I mentioned above I posted this to get a discussion going. I really believe that she feels bad but at the same time has a hard time shaking her social life. She told me she does Cocaine from time to time when she goes out clubbing the other day and that disturbed me like nothing else. I felt that was a huge red flag for me even though she said her entire school does drugs and its really no issue because she is not addicted to it. Which fucked me up like no other. We had an argument today and basically even though we settled it and made up we are not texting or skyping each other tonight. I am worried about my relationship at this point but I would rather cut my losses right now then deal with this bs and go through another divorce ten years later.

Thanks!
Author:  bigdog225 [ Thu Jun 23, 2011 6:35 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
She told me she does Cocaine from time to time when she goes out clubbing the other day and that disturbed me like nothing else. I felt that was a huge red flag for me even though she said her entire school does drugs and its really no issue because she is not addicted to it. Which fucked me up like no other. We had an argument today and basically even though we settled it and made up we are not texting or skyping each other tonight. I am worried about my relationship at this point but I would rather cut my losses right now then deal with this bs and go through another divorce ten years later.
Do you really want your daughters around her, because you know they're going to be influenced by the way she acts, and wtf, she does coke, and the excuse she has, is her whole school does it, and she isn't addicted...WEAK? Very mature... :roll:
Dude , I think she's very immature, and you're too mature to be dealing with some wild party girl, that's struggling to be a faithful companion, and all she wants to do is party it up.
You're trying to hard man
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