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What number is too much
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Author:  Boomshankar [ Thu May 19, 2011 10:27 pm ]
Post subject:  What number is too much
Hey Guys,

So my girlfriend revealed to me that she has slept with about 20 guys so far in her life (shes 22 right now)

Am I wrong to feel uncomfortable with this number?

She thinks its average but I think it is far over.
Author:  Snarg [ Thu May 19, 2011 10:32 pm ]
Post subject: 
That's a little above average, but not much, surprisingly. I definitely understand that you might be uncomfortable with it, because the last two girls I was with had been with around 12-15 guys. It's just something that you'll eventually look past, don't worry.
Author:  Wal [ Thu May 19, 2011 10:38 pm ]
Post subject: 
It doesn't change anything about your girlfriend at all. This is a fairly common insecurity for a guy who hasn't always been very good at picking up girls, but this issue you have is virtually 100% about you and your view. Some guys think more than a handful is too much--but where do you draw that line? At 5? At 10? At 0? And if your girlfriend is, during everyday interaction, a great fit for you, why bother?

If you dwell on things from the past that had nothing at all to do with you, how will you ever enjoy the present moment?
Author:  Boomshankar [ Thu May 19, 2011 10:39 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thanks for the input, Snarg.
Author:  Boomshankar [ Thu May 19, 2011 10:40 pm ]
Post subject: 
Wal, those are some great words man.
Its just difficult resolving it.
I guess cause of my ego or insecurities.
Author:  Wal [ Thu May 19, 2011 10:47 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Wal, those are some great words man.
Its just difficult resolving it.
I guess cause of my ego or insecurities.
It isn't easy to shake those insecurities. I know, I've been there. I was once really insecure that one of my first girlfriends had a bigger number than me. You know what our numbers were? Me: 3, Her: 4. :lol:

It totally consumed me, and I didn't have much fun in the relationship because of something so insignificant. Otherwise we were a good match. But I couldn't get that out of my head, and it disrupted the flow. Sounds ridiculous now, right? But it didn't back then.
Author:  Boomshankar [ Thu May 19, 2011 10:58 pm ]
Post subject: 
How did you finally get over it?
Author:  Wal [ Thu May 19, 2011 11:11 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
How did you finally get over it?
I didn't. At least not in that relationship. Among other things, I let it dominate my thinking, and it destroyed the relationship. But YOU don't have to go through that motion.

Your problem is that you are thinking about it. When you have an insecurity like this, you dwell and cycle the thought and look for a solution--and there is none, so it just cycles until it grows so big that you can't take it, so you try to rationalize it away. And there are tons of rationalizations that you can recite to yourself as this thought arises from time to time that will serve as a band-aid, but not one of them will permanently fix the issue at hand. They will just keep you thinking about it, convincing yourself that "I'm above that, it doesn't matter". You can tell yourself it doesn't matter, or it can actually not matter. Cognitive dissonance, or purity?


The best thing you can do for yourself is to accept this girl. That means not concerning yourself with anything but who she is right now. There are better people on this forum to walk you through that than me, if they should happen to agree with my point of view, but I promise you it is a happier existence to be sure. :)
Author:  Boomshankar [ Thu May 19, 2011 11:16 pm ]
Post subject: 
That was very profound.
Thanks man
Author:  Boomshankar [ Thu May 19, 2011 11:26 pm ]
Post subject: 
Any other numbers ?
Author:  Wal [ Thu May 19, 2011 11:31 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Any other numbers ?
That's a band-aid.
Author:  Snarg [ Thu May 19, 2011 11:32 pm ]
Post subject: 
One other thing that might help you rationalize this, depending on your morals and beliefs...

I know a guy whose girlfriend has only been with 4 other men. The catch? They were all 30-40 years old while she was only 18-23. I don't know about you, but that would bother me far more than if her number was higher.
Author:  Mack 2.0 [ Fri May 20, 2011 12:31 am ]
Post subject: 
here is another thing to consider...

people go through different stages at different times in their lives...

suppose your girl had a long time relationship that went south...

and she "dated" for awhile...

she may have basically nailed five or ten dudes over the course of a year of wild dating...

does that make her a slut? idk, you decide...

i know i slept with seven girls in one summer, lol...

does that make me a slut?

and that is about half the girls i've been with (in just one summer)

what a summer it was!

here is an interesting point to consider:

a recent study just discovered that the fewer number of partners a person has before finding "the one", the happier that person will become.
Author:  potato [ Fri May 20, 2011 12:48 am ]
Post subject: 
That is a high number. You'd be surprised how many attractive 19 and 20 year olds are virgins.

Is it the number itself that bothers you, or something else. What I mean is, the moment when you found out that actual number, did that change how you felt?
Author:  potato [ Fri May 20, 2011 12:49 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
here is another thing to consider...

a recent study just discovered that the fewer number of partners a person has before finding "the one", the happier that person will become.
Maybe because they don't know what they're missing
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