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Disappointed and Tired
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Author:  adonis_boy [ Tue May 10, 2011 6:53 am ]
Post subject:  Disappointed and Tired
I have a girlfriend of 4 months. We really love each other but there is one problem that I have recently became aware of.

Until now, I have been the only one to do the calling and contacting. Once I ran out of credits and she was "obliged" to call me but after a few days, she tells me "When are you buying credits?" and I reply "Why? Aren't you enjoying it when you call me?" and she responds "Yes but I am happy when you call me and text me.". Then I buy credits and then we are in the cycle of her never calling her again.

It wasn't such a big deal before the relationship but now I feel like I am doing all the work and effort for her while she sits back and waits for me to call her. When I go a day withouth calling her, she sends a text or nothing at all, seeing that I haven't called.

Am I wrong to expect her to call me once in a while and ask how my day was?

I am planning to talk to her about it. What is the best way to bring it up so that she knows that I am bothered but takes no offence?
Author:  Mack 2.0 [ Tue May 10, 2011 10:19 am ]
Post subject: 
you are not wrong to be bothered by what is happening.

however,

what is happening is normal.

women (females) will take advantage of you in every way that you let them,

it's called a shit test.

think of it as parenting, lol.

you've got to "lay down the rules, explain the reasons, and teach maturity",

sound like fun?

if yes, CONGRATULATIONS!

you are ready for a relationship.

btw, why the hell are you paying to talk on the phone?

use yahoo messenger voice or google talk or something? no?

on the plus side, girls that like to "be parented",

also usually like to be spanked in the bedroom!

(in my experience)

you ready for the naughty daddy role?
Author:  Wal [ Tue May 10, 2011 11:21 am ]
Post subject: 
What about this:

If you want to meet up with her and do something, call her or text her. If you don't, then don't. It should be the same rules for her.

Right? Maybe I'm confused? Isn't ^this^ the normal way of doing things?
Author:  adonis_boy [ Tue May 10, 2011 1:32 pm ]
Post subject: 
Haha Mack, I learnt that she likes to be spanked, not only in the bedroom though. 8)

But I am not sure why I should be her teacher. Isn't she a grown up whi should know that a relationship requires equal effort from 2 people, not only a guy chasing the girl?

Wal, she never calls me and suggests doing something. It is only when I call her and then she sees this as an opportunity to meet me and asks me out. Don't you think there is a problem here?

And I value communication when we are not seeing each other. Not hours and hours of talking but a 5 minute of conversation showing that you value what is happening in each other's lives.
Author:  Wal [ Tue May 10, 2011 1:59 pm ]
Post subject: 
Oh, and she gets upset when you don't call even though she doesn't call you? A double standard?

It is weird that you'd have to explain something like that. The best way to bring that up is when you are completely unfased by it (IE not right after you're upset yourself about it). Just explain that you feel like she doesn't call as often as she should, and that you like it when she takes initiative. And/or give her positive feedback whenever she does call or text. "Baby, I love it when you call me, let's do something fun together today!" I don't think you necessarily have to make her understand you get upset by it. Rather, demonstrate how much you like it when it does happen.
Author:  adonis_boy [ Tue May 10, 2011 3:19 pm ]
Post subject: 
I think your analysis of her is just upto the point. This double standard is the thing that upsets me the most. I have told her previously that I really liked it when she had to call me because I wasn't able to. Then she just switched back to "wait for him to call" routine as soon as she learnt that I had credits and was able to call her.

I will be talking to her tonight. I will be applying what you suggested without sounding upset. Let's see what happens.

Thank you all for the good advice. :wink:
Author:  SiNfUl [ Tue May 10, 2011 5:52 pm ]
Post subject: 
I may be to late with my reply, but here goes.

I would slow down or stop initiating communication all together. Let her get in contact with YOU. When she calls or sends you a text message, sound up beat and happy. Ask how her day is going, setup a time to meet up, etc. When she starts asking why you haven't called or text, tell her you've been busy, or you're getting low on credit, whatever...make up some excuse. If she gets testy or upset, oh well.

Send her a quick text the next day...'hey beautiful, thinking about ya'....and leave it at that. This will be her 'reward' for showing initiative the day before. If she tries to start a conversation, ignore it and go on with your day. The next time she calls, repeat the steps above. Little by little the tables will start to turn in your favor.

Personally, I think talking about how you feel will give her ammunition to use against you later.
Author:  RivaLxx [ Tue May 10, 2011 6:22 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
I wouldn't play any of the games recommended above. I'd talk to her about this and I'm certain it would be resolved easily.


Agreed^
Author:  SiNfUl [ Tue May 10, 2011 8:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
Interesting insight Hobbit, but I have to disagree. Your response is logical and reasonable, but there is NOTHING logical or reasonable about women. I would love to approach women logically, things would go so much smoother, but this 'tactic' never works. I believe Jack Nicholson said it best when asked in the movie As Good As It Gets, "How do you write woman so well?" His response..."I think of a man and I take away reason and accountability." :twisted:
Now, does this mean my response was the CORRECT approach, not at all, but I do question your post.

Another approach would be to tell her that buying credits is getting costly, and they need to come up with another way to communicate. Maybe this will motivate her to make more of an effort. Does this seem immature, dramatic, or like we're playing 'games', absolutely! Unfortunately, this is how the game is played. Relationships are a chess match, whether you've been together 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years. I've been in an LTR for years now with an HB9 and I still have to move my chess pieces around from time to time.

A guys says..."You are very caring and (blah blah blah), but the fact you never initiate calls sometimes makes me feel uneasy. I want this relationship to feel balanced!" She HEARS..."I'm always calling you, why don't you call me...i want some attention too."

Now the guy looks needy and his status drops a few notches. Does this make sense, hell no...but this is women we are talking about. 8)
Anyway, that's just my 2 cents...onwards and upwards.
Author:  Wal [ Tue May 10, 2011 9:10 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Another approach would be to tell her that buying credits is getting costly, and they need to come up with another way to communicate.
There was no indication this was true, though. Why say that when you can say what you mean?
Quote:
A guys says..."You are very caring and (blah blah blah), but the fact you never initiate calls sometimes makes me feel uneasy. I want this relationship to feel balanced!" She HEARS..."I'm always calling you, why don't you call me...i want some attention too."
I disagree. I also once thought that being in a lasting relationship required this sort of effort, messing around and second-guessing the conversations I was having. I alsways ended up with, "What did she actually mean by that? Well I'm going to say this, but I think she'll interpret it this way, so hopefully it will get this 3rd, and completely unrelated, result." Adding three steps to every interaction ends up complicating a very simple process. Communication derails, the relationship suffers as a result.

Or!

Stop being so sneaky. I actually had a bunch of confusing, shitty relationships until I decided to stop trying to "interpret" so much. Now, I don't mess around, I'm almost never confused, I'm almost never upset, and these things get sorted out very quickly. Relationships don't have to be so complicated.
Author:  SiNfUl [ Tue May 10, 2011 9:26 pm ]
Post subject: 
There was no indication this was true, though. Why say that when you can say what you mean?


Ah, what a wonderful world it would be if things were that simple.

I disagree. I also once thought that being in a lasting relationship required this sort of effort, messing around and second-guessing the conversations I was having. I alsways ended up with, "What did she actually mean by that? Well I'm going to say this, but I think she'll interpret it this way, so hopefully it will get this 3rd, and completely unrelated, result." Adding three steps to every interaction ends up complicating a very simple process. Communication derails, the relationship suffers as a result.

That sounds like a beta mindset Wal. That's not an insult to you, but that's how most AFCs think before they man up and learn the game.

Now, I don't mess around, I'm almost never confused, I'm almost never upset, and these things get sorted out very quickly. Relationships don't have to be so complicated.

Amen! I keep things simple for me, but keep women confused and twisted. Is that mean, or sneaky? Possibly, but it has served me well for years.
Author:  SiNfUl [ Tue May 10, 2011 9:48 pm ]
Post subject: 
You do understand what logic is, right? Every single appeal in my example is an emotionally based one i.e. " bothered something stupid", "makes me feel uneasy", "feel balanced". Notice all those yucky feel-ings

If it's stupid, why mention it? Emotionally based appeals, why would you do that? You want to show women your emotional side? Not a good approach in my opinion.

Relationships aren't PUA. By the same logic, not being able to afford credits is low value and drops your status. I guess the only way to be successful at this is to beat your chest over and over yelling "I am Thor! Alpha male extraordinaire!" I bet you'd even get bonus points for rhyming.

I disagree, in relationships using the same PUA skill sets will serve you well. Have you ever heard people say that in order to make a relationship last you have to start 'dating' your partner again after things get stale? Think on that for a minute.

You don't have to yell it, we are all civilized here. Your actions and attitude will get the message across. However, once in a while it may be necessary to beat your chest.

Just because you found a girl who likes head games doesn't make it universally true.

Really? I find that interesting. Have you ever met a girl that wasn't into head games, or played with a guy's emotions for their own benefit? If you have, take her picture, I want to see what she looks like because she's not from this planet.


Have you guys had such terrible child hoods that you confuse "emotion" and "head games." I know I did. . . admitting it was the first step towards recovery. . .

Leave my childhood out of this, but to answer your question, I know the difference very well, and I know how to use each one to my benefit. :twisted:

And yes, Hugh Laurie rocks.
Author:  SiNfUl [ Wed May 11, 2011 12:09 am ]
Post subject: 
My view point has served me well in the past and continues to do so. I don't consider it a 'funk', but we can agree to disagree. . Good day sir.
Author:  Wal [ Wed May 11, 2011 3:37 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
I disagree. I also once thought that being in a lasting relationship required this sort of effort, messing around and second-guessing the conversations I was having. I alsways ended up with, "What did she actually mean by that? Well I'm going to say this, but I think she'll interpret it this way, so hopefully it will get this 3rd, and completely unrelated, result." Adding three steps to every interaction ends up complicating a very simple process. Communication derails, the relationship suffers as a result.

That sounds like a beta mindset Wal. That's not an insult to you, but that's how most AFCs think before they man up and learn the game.
If that's "beta" to not overthink and overcomplicate things, I'm glad I'm beta. 8)
Quote:
Quote:
Stop being so sneaky. I actually had a bunch of confusing, shitty relationships until I decided to stop trying to "interpret" so much. Now, I don't mess around, I'm almost never confused, I'm almost never upset, and these things get sorted out very quickly. Relationships don't have to be so complicated.


You know, I have a working hypothesis. The guys like you, who are level headed, don't post on these boards because they are busy having fun with their girlfriends.

Hobbit, I usually post on these boards from work! If I could figure out how to sneak my girlfriend into the file cabinets you'd never hear from me again! But in all seriousness, I didn't mean to come off as a braggart with that comment.
Author:  Mack 2.0 [ Wed May 11, 2011 7:08 am ]
Post subject: 
i'm with sinful on this one. we all go off our own experiences. all of my experiences have also taught me that being emotional with women gets you nowhere fast.

i recently had a very candid conversation with a married woman (a friend) who confided in me, when talking about this very subject, that she has had female friends who stated in no uncertain terms that the first time they saw their husbands cry was the day they decided that a divorce was imminent. she said that she was shocked, but she then explained that i would also be shocked to see just how common this thinking among women is.

women want warriors "think Sparta!!! and King Leonidas", not cuddle buddies "think Ross from the show Friends".
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