PUA Forum :: She stopped birth control, and now my life is hell.

If what you really want is a LTR then, for the record, emotional journeys bond more than anything else. Don't make her ask you to be there and you're golden.

I've been dating my girl for a little over 2 months now. We have great chemistry and all that other bullshit, and we have both discussed how well we fit together. Yay. Gumdrops and roses.

About 1.5 weeks ago, she stopped taking her birth control meds because her gyno found potential evidence of ovarian cancer. Birth control is said to help ovarian cancer grow, so until they do some more testing and confirm/deny that she has cancer, she is no longer taking it. She will probably go back on it in another week or so, provided she doesn't have it.

Unfortunately, since she stopped taking her meds, she has been unbelievably difficult to deal with. It's not that she's a bitch - she's just so depressed and distant that I have no clue what is happening. One day she was telling me she's falling for me and I'm a diamond in the rough and that she's so lucky she found me. The next day I noticed she was a little depressed so I took her out to her favorite restaurant to eat dinner and gave her a single red rose. She was so happy until I asked why she was acting so depressed.

She began crying and telling me about the ovarian cancer (I didn't know about it until this point), sickness within her family, etc. But she also said that she feels like she needs time to heal from her last relationship, since she literally went from dating this other guy for like 6 months to jumping straight over to me (don't get too impressed, he is a drug dealer so it's kind of hard for me NOT to outdo him). She said that she isn't ready for a full-fledged relationship yet because she needs time to heal (she's hung up with the boyfriend/girlfriend title for some reason), and I told her to take her time as long as she remains loyal. I also asked if she needed space, needed a break, or just wanted to be friends, all of which she rejected immediately, saying that she wants to date me and be with me and that there is no one else. So what the fuck does that mean? She doesn't want a relationship but she doesn't want me to back off. I'm stuck in fucking limbo here.

In the following days, communication with her was very sparse. Barely any texting/calling on the phone, and we would only see each other in class aside from a concert we went to on Friday, which she had a ton of fun at. If I asked her to hang out or anything, she would make any stupid excuse possible to avoid it. Even now, she still seems distant. I'm at a loss of how to handle this. I know you guys are going to say that I need to give her space, but the problem is, she claims she doesn't want any. Are these fucked up emotions due to her stopping the birth control? Or do you think there's something more?

I know this post is kind of scatter-minded, but hopefully it makes sense. Any insight would be appreciated.

When I say don't make her ask I mean you can still lead the relationship. So don't ask, go there and say that you thought she could use some company ect. She doesn't know what she wants, so take her mind off of things or give her a shoulder if she needs it. You're almost treating her as your best friend, so you must make your intentions clear. Too much intimacy will probably be bad, but none might push you down the don't-want-to-ruin-our-friendship well.

I'm also concerned that you haven't really known her long enough to force such a bond, but that's your own responsibility. I would also still recommend the normal girl-drama advice of having your own goals/plans/fun outside of her. You'll need patience, possibly persistence, and a fairly strong stomach to not puke on yourself when you realise you have become soft.

Quote:

Yup!

When there's a serous fucking crisis, like your house is burning down, do you want the firefighter to come in, ask if you're ok, ask if he should carry you out, ask if you'd like him to maybe put out the flames for you, ask if the smoke is bothering you? NO! You want someone to come in and sort the fucking situation out!

ALL women want a confident, strong, leader, for EXACTLY this reason - so that when a real situation happens, they know they can trust the guy to take care of them and be there. Stop asking if she wants this and if she wants that. Decide for yourself what you want, and then either tell her you're not interested in a relationship with her for whatever reasons, OR you do, and you're in it for the long haul, and you'll just BE THERE for her.

she's just trying to rationalize it in an attempt to ease her cognitive dissonance

Author:	Snarg [ Sun May 01, 2011 4:24 pm ]
Post subject:	She stopped birth control, and now my life is hell.
I've been dating my girl for a little over 2 months now. We have great chemistry and all that other bullshit, and we have both discussed how well we fit together. Yay. Gumdrops and roses. About 1.5 weeks ago, she stopped taking her birth control meds because her gyno found potential evidence of ovarian cancer. Birth control is said to help ovarian cancer grow, so until they do some more testing and confirm/deny that she has cancer, she is no longer taking it. She will probably go back on it in another week or so, provided she doesn't have it. Unfortunately, since she stopped taking her meds, she has been unbelievably difficult to deal with. It's not that she's a bitch - she's just so depressed and distant that I have no clue what is happening. One day she was telling me she's falling for me and I'm a diamond in the rough and that she's so lucky she found me. The next day I noticed she was a little depressed so I took her out to her favorite restaurant to eat dinner and gave her a single red rose. She was so happy until I asked why she was acting so depressed. She began crying and telling me about the ovarian cancer (I didn't know about it until this point), sickness within her family, etc. But she also said that she feels like she needs time to heal from her last relationship, since she literally went from dating this other guy for like 6 months to jumping straight over to me (don't get too impressed, he is a drug dealer so it's kind of hard for me NOT to outdo him). She said that she isn't ready for a full-fledged relationship yet because she needs time to heal (she's hung up with the boyfriend/girlfriend title for some reason), and I told her to take her time as long as she remains loyal. I also asked if she needed space, needed a break, or just wanted to be friends, all of which she rejected immediately, saying that she wants to date me and be with me and that there is no one else. So what the fuck does that mean? She doesn't want a relationship but she doesn't want me to back off. I'm stuck in fucking limbo here. In the following days, communication with her was very sparse. Barely any texting/calling on the phone, and we would only see each other in class aside from a concert we went to on Friday, which she had a ton of fun at. If I asked her to hang out or anything, she would make any stupid excuse possible to avoid it. Even now, she still seems distant. I'm at a loss of how to handle this. I know you guys are going to say that I need to give her space, but the problem is, she claims she doesn't want any. Are these fucked up emotions due to her stopping the birth control? Or do you think there's something more? I know this post is kind of scatter-minded, but hopefully it makes sense. Any insight would be appreciated.

Author:	Inthazone [ Sun May 01, 2011 5:42 pm ]
Post subject:
She sounds sketchy man . We both need bitches who don't pull this emotional shit 24/7. and the fact that she dated a drug dealer before you , would alarm me that this girl is bad news. Always do your homework

Author:	Infamous110 [ Sun May 01, 2011 5:49 pm ]
Post subject:
I would probably friendzone her because I'm such a nice guy. But you're not really in deep enough to need to deal with it, and you cannot do much about any of it, of course. If what you really want is a LTR then, for the record, emotional journeys bond more than anything else. Don't make her ask you to be there and you're golden.

Author:	sclose [ Sun May 01, 2011 6:46 pm ]
Post subject:
Girls are nuts man. It doesn't matter which girl. They all have mood swings. The real question is can you deal with the way she handles her mood swings. Every girl handles her mood swings a little different. But seriously dude, she may find out she's about to DIE. I don't want to know someone who is normal when they find out they may DIE. She's going to be a little messed up for a while. You could break up with her and friend zone her, but seriously, every girl has mood swings.

Author:	Snarg [ Sun May 01, 2011 9:01 pm ]
Post subject:
Quote: If what you really want is a LTR then, for the record, emotional journeys bond more than anything else. Don't make her ask you to be there and you're golden. I do want a LTR with her, and I am intrigued by your response. Are you saying that I shouldn't try to be there for her to work through her problems? Not sure how to handle this, exactly. Regardless, what do you suggest I do for the time being? Thanks to everyone for your responses so far. Keep them coming please.

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Author:	Infamous110 [ Sun May 01, 2011 9:46 pm ]
Post subject:
Not quite. What I mean is when you share experiences of emotional trauma ect, it will create a very strong bond between you. When I say don't make her ask I mean you can still lead the relationship. So don't ask, go there and say that you thought she could use some company ect. She doesn't know what she wants, so take her mind off of things or give her a shoulder if she needs it. You're almost treating her as your best friend, so you must make your intentions clear. Too much intimacy will probably be bad, but none might push you down the don't-want-to-ruin-our-friendship well. I'm also concerned that you haven't really known her long enough to force such a bond, but that's your own responsibility. I would also still recommend the normal girl-drama advice of having your own goals/plans/fun outside of her. You'll need patience, possibly persistence, and a fairly strong stomach to not puke on yourself when you realise you have become soft. I'll add that I don't really have experience of this. I could twist a family death into a somewhat similar situation and say that she's probably my most loyal female friend 5 years on and would likely 'take me back' should I call her on it at almost any time. Worst case scenario it's not so bad to make a lifelong friend whether male or female.

Author:	MrLe [ Thu May 12, 2011 4:04 am ]
Post subject:
She has some potential health issue, it's probably why she behave like that. If you realize that you might be facing death, you might reconsider your life / purpose. Let her know you care and be here for her, give her space... You should be careful that she's not going back to the ex-bf. If she was dating him for 6 month, she was probably doing drugs with him as well. Considering her health situation, it might be a good excuse for her to take some illegal stuff to escape, and a good opportunity for the ex to get her back. Be careful.

Author:	P1nkstar [ Thu May 12, 2011 10:11 am ]
Post subject:	Re: She stopped birth control, and now my life is hell.
Quote: I've been dating my girl for a little over 2 months now. We have great chemistry and all that other bullshit, and we have both discussed how well we fit together. Yay. Gumdrops and roses. About 1.5 weeks ago, she stopped taking her birth control meds because her gyno found potential evidence of ovarian cancer. Birth control is said to help ovarian cancer grow, so until they do some more testing and confirm/deny that she has cancer, she is no longer taking it. She will probably go back on it in another week or so, provided she doesn't have it. Unfortunately, since she stopped taking her meds, she has been unbelievably difficult to deal with. It's not that she's a bitch - she's just so depressed and distant that I have no clue what is happening. One day she was telling me she's falling for me and I'm a diamond in the rough and that she's so lucky she found me. The next day I noticed she was a little depressed so I took her out to her favorite restaurant to eat dinner and gave her a single red rose. She was so happy until I asked why she was acting so depressed. She began crying and telling me about the ovarian cancer (I didn't know about it until this point), sickness within her family, etc. But she also said that she feels like she needs time to heal from her last relationship, since she literally went from dating this other guy for like 6 months to jumping straight over to me (don't get too impressed, he is a drug dealer so it's kind of hard for me NOT to outdo him). She said that she isn't ready for a full-fledged relationship yet because she needs time to heal (she's hung up with the boyfriend/girlfriend title for some reason), and I told her to take her time as long as she remains loyal. I also asked if she needed space, needed a break, or just wanted to be friends, all of which she rejected immediately, saying that she wants to date me and be with me and that there is no one else. So what the fuck does that mean? She doesn't want a relationship but she doesn't want me to back off. I'm stuck in fucking limbo here. In the following days, communication with her was very sparse. Barely any texting/calling on the phone, and we would only see each other in class aside from a concert we went to on Friday, which she had a ton of fun at. If I asked her to hang out or anything, she would make any stupid excuse possible to avoid it. Even now, she still seems distant. I'm at a loss of how to handle this. I know you guys are going to say that I need to give her space, but the problem is, she claims she doesn't want any. Are these fucked up emotions due to her stopping the birth control? Or do you think there's something more? I know this post is kind of scatter-minded, but hopefully it makes sense. Any insight would be appreciated. Imagine how you would react when somebody says there's a potential of cancer!? Give her a break... I wouldn't be myself, that's for sure... She says she doesn't need space, but what have we learnt girls say things and do or mean otherwise...? Support her, give her space, make her happy, be a good boyfriend, and be patient... If things don't change, you have an issue, but chill a bit for now... don't push her away though with too many space! Also ex-bf drugdealer, you sure she's not using any? and has mood swings from that?

Author:	Txacoli [ Thu May 12, 2011 10:39 am ]
Post subject:
She's not facing death, come on. She maybe facing an operation, infertility and possibly being without her uterus at such a young age, lifelong hormonal therapy, but death is not very likely though, they're not even sure she has cancer, so my guess is it's in early stages if it's there. This is very very stressful. How would you guys feel if there was a chance you'll lose your reproductive organs? Her womanhood is on the line. She is scared. She's asking herself if the guy will be with her when she's not a complete woman, when she can't give him offspring. She's withdrawing because she wants you to reassure her you'll stick through this with her. So if you care and want this relationship with her, listen to Infamous110, he's on the spot. It doesn't sound to me (I don't know her, so I can't know) that she did drugs with her ex. He was a bad boy, she fell for him, found out he was bad news and dumped him for somebody normal. Anyways, good luck!

Author:	Ryan Black SashaPUA [ Thu May 12, 2011 12:07 pm ]
Post subject:
Quote: When I say don't make her ask I mean you can still lead the relationship. So don't ask, go there and say that you thought she could use some company ect. She doesn't know what she wants, so take her mind off of things or give her a shoulder if she needs it. You're almost treating her as your best friend, so you must make your intentions clear. Too much intimacy will probably be bad, but none might push you down the don't-want-to-ruin-our-friendship well. I'm also concerned that you haven't really known her long enough to force such a bond, but that's your own responsibility. I would also still recommend the normal girl-drama advice of having your own goals/plans/fun outside of her. You'll need patience, possibly persistence, and a fairly strong stomach to not puke on yourself when you realise you have become soft. Yup! When there's a serous fucking crisis, like your house is burning down, do you want the firefighter to come in, ask if you're ok, ask if he should carry you out, ask if you'd like him to maybe put out the flames for you, ask if the smoke is bothering you? NO! You want someone to come in and sort the fucking situation out! ALL women want a confident, strong, leader, for EXACTLY this reason - so that when a real situation happens, they know they can trust the guy to take care of them and be there. Stop asking if she wants this and if she wants that. Decide for yourself what you want, and then either tell her you're not interested in a relationship with her for whatever reasons, OR you do, and you're in it for the long haul, and you'll just BE THERE for her.

Author:	Snarg [ Thu May 12, 2011 1:54 pm ]
Post subject:
Quote: Quote: When I say don't make her ask I mean you can still lead the relationship. So don't ask, go there and say that you thought she could use some company ect. She doesn't know what she wants, so take her mind off of things or give her a shoulder if she needs it. You're almost treating her as your best friend, so you must make your intentions clear. Too much intimacy will probably be bad, but none might push you down the don't-want-to-ruin-our-friendship well. I'm also concerned that you haven't really known her long enough to force such a bond, but that's your own responsibility. I would also still recommend the normal girl-drama advice of having your own goals/plans/fun outside of her. You'll need patience, possibly persistence, and a fairly strong stomach to not puke on yourself when you realise you have become soft. Yup! When there's a serous fucking crisis, like your house is burning down, do you want the firefighter to come in, ask if you're ok, ask if he should carry you out, ask if you'd like him to maybe put out the flames for you, ask if the smoke is bothering you? NO! You want someone to come in and sort the fucking situation out! ALL women want a confident, strong, leader, for EXACTLY this reason - so that when a real situation happens, they know they can trust the guy to take care of them and be there. Stop asking if she wants this and if she wants that. Decide for yourself what you want, and then either tell her you're not interested in a relationship with her for whatever reasons, OR you do, and you're in it for the long haul, and you'll just BE THERE for her. Very well-said. Thank you. It's been awhile since I posted this, so I'll just say that she got the results back and she is cancer-free. She's still acting pretty fucking weird, but finally starting to come around. Things will be fine. Thanks to everyone for their input.

Author:	Txacoli [ Thu May 12, 2011 2:25 pm ]
Post subject:
Glad to hear she's ok!

Author:	victor_pho [ Thu May 12, 2011 5:35 pm ]
Post subject:
she'll be okay.

Author:	Chief [ Fri May 13, 2011 7:42 am ]
Post subject:
I can't believe no one mentioned this yet. Birth control pills trick a woman's body into thinking she is pregnant. In this state, she will be attracted to a certain type of man. When she is NOT on birth control pills, she will be attracted to the opposite type of man. It's science. It's only a matter of her not being attracted to you anymore. She will now be attracted to men that she was attracted to before she started taking the BC pills. Here's a link: http://scienceblogs.com/primatediaries/ ... l_alte.php She's not physically attracted to you anymore and she's just trying to rationalize it in an attempt to ease her cognitive dissonance. Don't listen to those silly rationalizations. They'll just confuse you.

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Author:	Mack 2.0 [ Fri May 13, 2011 9:38 am ]
Post subject:
Quote: she's just trying to rationalize it in an attempt to ease her cognitive dissonance thank you for having "the balls" to point out this behavior. it's the main reason i choose not to "trust" women, when "trust" is defined as me believing that she will always want me, always stay with me, etc. i believe monogamy is a giant game of cognitive dissonance. sorry for my cynicism vent.