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Not "In love" but in LTR?
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Author:  mcare [ Mon Mar 07, 2011 5:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Not "In love" but in LTR?
Hey guys. I don't know if this is even the proper place to ask but I trust you guys have been in similar situations.

I'm in LTR ("long" as in 3(4) months long) with a girl that attracts me, stimulates me intelectualy, is funny, great in bed etc. The relationship is great so far. Slowly progressing but actualy thinking with right head for once:)

The thing is that there was no "falling in love". The euphory that one should experience when he falls in love "over night". This usualy happens in early stage of relationship and keeps the illusion that both parties are perfect for each other alive long enough to survive the beginning :) While it doesn't last long it helps building the trust (deserved or not).

I care deeply for her (love her?) and I can see myself with her for a long run (corny I know). We're spending a lot of time together but we're taking it slowly (not intentionaly) since we both have hard time opening up (trusting is probably a better word).

It's actualy not a problem for me. I see it as a benefit (no bullshit idea that she's perfect) in the long run. It just interests me enough so it's in back of my mind. Falling in love is "irrational" and has no real cause but it would feel great after all...

So what's your take on this matter? What is the theory behind falling in love? Do you see this as a problem potentialy etc.? Is it possible to take relationship "rationaly" far enough to ignore that we never "fell in love"?

P.s.: The only problem this presents to me that I can see at the moment is the fact that I don't delude myself that eighter of us (or relationship for that matter) is perfect. Why is this a "problem"? I don't put her on pedistal so other girls are still interesting :)

Edit: Just to clarify my understanding of terms since i'm not a native english speaker (no shit, I know):

Falling in love: Euphoric feeling. Seeing other person as "perfect". Seing relationship as perfect. Complete trust. Etc. Etc.

Loving someone: Caring about them as a result of long term process (ignore the fact that's only been 4 months :) ).
Author:  snakeeater1337 [ Mon Mar 07, 2011 6:15 pm ]
Post subject: 
I think you're on the right track. I'm always skeptical about the euphoria at the beginning of a relationship, but then I'm a cynic and think that once your perception of your partner changes from euphoric to realistic, the passion dissipates. I have the same feelings you do with my girlfriend. I never had the falling in love phase, but we work so well together that it doesn't matter (and we've only been together 5 months).
Author:  mcare [ Mon Mar 07, 2011 6:24 pm ]
Post subject: 
@snakeeater1337: I really appreciate your replay. Same situation and same idea about love phase and transition to "normal relationship".

I think that it'll produce better end result (and as I was browsing some credible sources the stats support my claim). It should result in healthier and longer relationship.

That being said... Don't you miss it? :) I feel like it would "confirm" the relationship. It's not like I need it. But it wouldn't hurt at this stage :)

Edit: I could just do some cocain to get the euphoric feeling but I don't think it would work long term. J/k ;)
Author:  Jester.01 [ Tue Mar 08, 2011 6:32 pm ]
Post subject: 
I've been in love before, so I'll try to answer from the best of my experience (take it at face value, everyone has their own view on it :P).

For me, as well as several other people/couples I know, love doesn't have to be anything. It doesn't have to be euphoria, it doesn't have to be super exciting, and it saying it doesn't have to completely change everything. I think if you care about the person pretty deeply, just pursue and let whatever happens happens. I think it it's pretty dumb to be totally phased by placed a label such as "love" on a relationship...it is what it is. Put another way (incoming analogy), if I showed you a fruit that looked like a cross between a watermelon and a banana, and you really enjoyed it, would your opinion of that fruit change if I told you its name?

I don't know if I answered your questions well, but I'm a proponent of letting things develop naturally (whatever that means :P).

Hope that helps
Author:  fatochre [ Thu Mar 17, 2011 3:37 am ]
Post subject: 
same boat as you buddy, started dating a girl right before my divorce several months back. we moved quickly and the rush came and went. now she is at my house everday and even though i know that could be a problem we get along fairly well. i like her a great deal and i know she likes me, but i am sure i will not make the cut so to speak. i listen to her describe her past relationships and i know that unless i change who i am as a person we will peter out at around the year mark, which tends to be her pattern.
its cool, enjoy what you have while you have it, dont worry about the one-itis thing so much, if you enjoy hanging with her, banging her, being with her then enjoy it. a relationship that develops naturally with out being forced or stressed is the most rewarding, and who knows it may work.
i know we are supposed to go out and get as much trim as possible, but i think the goal of all of that is being fulfilled inside as an individual. if your cool with just her and dont have to degrade yourself or reduce yourself for her then rock on.
thats not to say that if she has a legitimate complaint about your behavior you shouldn't examine it. friends and lovers can be helpful to us as men to better ourselves. if your acting like a dick and she points it out, give it some thought and maybe work on not being a dick. if she is just trying to manipulate then ignore it, but you have to have a good idea of yourself and what is right and wrong. grow as an individual and dont allow someone else to shape you into their image.
Author:  BrianFL2 [ Thu Mar 17, 2011 4:02 pm ]
Post subject: 
I'm not knocking your relationship, but how about the "chemistry" as women call it ? "passion", etc. ?

I got some wise advice from an older dude, and i believe it. He said that the way you feel about a woman during the first 6 months is as good as it possibly can get, EVER. It does NOT get better than that. This guy is not cynical, he has been married for years and his wife is a 45 yr old teacher and is very boneable, and he has 3 kids with her. I believe he has a happy relationship, but he went through a bunch of women before he got to her.

His point was that if you don't have that "spark" , "love", "passion", great sex in the beginning, you NEVER will.

Can you accept that ?
Author:  Mack 2.0 [ Thu Mar 17, 2011 10:09 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
IHis point was that if you don't have that "spark" , "love", "passion", great sex in the beginning, you NEVER will.

Can you accept that ?
damn, that's depressing. i haven't felt that spark since i was 19 with any woman.
Author:  Ap [ Fri Mar 25, 2011 1:40 am ]
Post subject: 
BrianFL2 Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2011 4:02 pm Post subject:



I'm not knocking your relationship, but how about the "chemistry" as women call it ? "passion", etc. ?

I got some wise advice from an older dude, and i believe it. He said that the way you feel about a woman during the first 6 months is as good as it possibly can get, EVER. It does NOT get better than that. This guy is not cynical, he has been married for years and his wife is a 45 yr old teacher and is very boneable, and he has 3 kids with her. I believe he has a happy relationship, but he went through a bunch of women before he got to her.

His point was that if you don't have that "spark" , "love", "passion", great sex in the beginning, you NEVER will.

Can you accept that ?
[/b][/i][/quote]

Brilliant
Author:  snakeeater1337 [ Fri Mar 25, 2011 3:25 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
BrianFL2 Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2011 4:02 pm Post subject:



I'm not knocking your relationship, but how about the "chemistry" as women call it ? "passion", etc. ?

I got some wise advice from an older dude, and i believe it. He said that the way you feel about a woman during the first 6 months is as good as it possibly can get, EVER. It does NOT get better than that. This guy is not cynical, he has been married for years and his wife is a 45 yr old teacher and is very boneable, and he has 3 kids with her. I believe he has a happy relationship, but he went through a bunch of women before he got to her.

His point was that if you don't have that "spark" , "love", "passion", great sex in the beginning, you NEVER will.

Can you accept that ?
[/b][/i]
Brilliant[/quote]

Isn't the whole point upon the first meeting to build chemistry through projecting social sexuality? That's what the escalation is for isn't it? Or are we strictly talking about innate compatibility?

Oh yeah, and I'm out of the boat now. I broke up with my gf and I'm not really torn up about it. No sooner did we split without drama that I was back to flirting. I guess not having the spark makes it harder to care. Not that I don't miss her from time to time.
Author:  mcare [ Fri Mar 25, 2011 8:35 am ]
Post subject: 
There was really no need for you to share this. I was optimistic about this relationship till now :D j/k

To be honest it sounds really good to enjoy benefits of LTR without the post-breakup shit. And I care more about this girl ever day. There is just no "spark".
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