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Dealing With Ex's: The Safe Harbor
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Author:  learnandgrow [ Tue Jan 11, 2011 4:59 am ]
Post subject:  Dealing With Ex's: The Safe Harbor
Hey all,

Recently, my ex girlfriend has gone from being distraught at the idea of me being with another woman (two days ago), to saying it wouldn't upset her a bit and spending a day with her ex-boyfriend and saying she hasn't done anything with him yet but intends on it when she found out I hadn't yet (today).

Many systems in regard to handling your ex discuss no contact, rebound guys, etc, but I've never seen anything for how to get your ex girlfriend back when she goes back to an ex boyfriend. I feel like this may be her "safe harbor" for now, but I don't know if there will be long lasting feelings of attraction there or if it will grow.

Does anyone have any suggestions with how to deal with this situation, where the ex reverts back to the ex boyfriend?[/i]
Author:  Carmo [ Tue Jan 11, 2011 1:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
She is probably just going to the ex for validation and to get over you, doubt it would work out or if she even wants to get back into a relationship with him.

The paradox of winning a gf back is that in order to win her back you have to actually move on and game other girls in order to get rid of your neediness/insecurity but in the process of doing this you usually do get over her and not actually want to get back with her at all. good luck.
Author:  learnandgrow [ Tue Jan 11, 2011 2:48 pm ]
Post subject: 
i sincerely appreciate the response. Ill do my best to amplify and enjoy my attractive traits. Already have another rebound and all of my old friends are excited to reconnect while she doesnt have much except for talking to the old boy again. Ill keep my head held high and hopefully it works out.
Author:  learnandgrow [ Tue Jan 11, 2011 3:01 pm ]
Post subject: 
anyone else have input?
Author:  Wal [ Tue Jan 11, 2011 3:12 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
saying she hasn't done anything with him yet but intends on it when she found out I hadn't yet
x2 Carmo. And/or she is trying to make you jealous by telling you she intends to "do something with him" (???)

A girl who plays this game in order to make you jealous is not worth the angst. I would leave her be, as hard as that probably sounds to you right now.
Author:  Carmo [ Tue Jan 11, 2011 3:34 pm ]
Post subject: 
I would say that 99% of the time it is not worth getting back with an ex. It ended for a reason and even if you get back together you are probably just delaying the inevitable.

I think most guys that want to get back with an ex have that sinking feeling that they wont find anybody as good as her again; that she has some unique trait or characteristic that they wont find again. This is totally false, every girl is unique and there are tons out there that you could fall in love with.

Use this as motivation to work on your personal development, work out, get involved with your coummunity, take up some new hobbies and see how you feel in a few months. I can almost guarantee that you will be getting laid more often and by hotter girls and the idea of getting back with your ex wont seem nearly as appealing as it does now.
Author:  learnandgrow [ Tue Jan 11, 2011 3:54 pm ]
Post subject: 
all points are well taken. I just want to understand everyrhing a bit more so i can handle it better next time. I want to learn from my mistakes. She did say i was quote on the list of men that have hurt her in her life and she cant forgive or forget. Is this just a bs excuse to justify what she is doing?
Author:  Carmo [ Tue Jan 11, 2011 4:09 pm ]
Post subject: 
why did it end? Who broke up with who and was it deserved?
Author:  learnandgrow [ Tue Jan 11, 2011 4:40 pm ]
Post subject: 
my father beame very ill and eventually passed away. I wasnt quite myself during this time. On edge and occasionally becoming vry angry with her tho it was becase i felt she was not being supportive when i needed her there most. She says i hurt her very badly and she cant forgive and forget it yet and that would be understandable but its been a few months and i also feel like a large part of it is because i was weak and probably needy during that time. I feel like she could be justifying it with being hurt but i dnt know. I apologized sincerely numerous times as it was a difficult time for me.
Author:  Wal [ Tue Jan 11, 2011 4:49 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
She did say i was quote on the list of men that have hurt her in her life and she cant forgive or forget
This is:
1) a ploy to make you the "bad guy" in her mind to justify the separation; or
2) an attempt to manipulate you to "prove" that you aren't that guy; or
3) the truth.

Take it as the truth. If she cannot forgive you for whatever you have done (doesn't matter what it was), any relationship you might develop will suffer. Move on.
Author:  Carmo [ Tue Jan 11, 2011 4:53 pm ]
Post subject: 
I agree with Wal. But your dad died, thats a pretty tough thing to go through and it doesn't sound like she was much of a help. For her to try to turn that around on you to guilt is a pretty bitchy thing to do. You could do better...
Author:  Ryan Black SashaPUA [ Tue Jan 11, 2011 5:01 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
I would say that 99% of the time it is not worth getting back with an ex. It ended for a reason and even if you get back together you are probably just delaying the inevitable.

I think most guys that want to get back with an ex have that sinking feeling that they wont find anybody as good as her again; that she has some unique trait or characteristic that they wont find again. This is totally false, every girl is unique and there are tons out there that you could fall in love with.

Use this as motivation to work on your personal development, work out, get involved with your coummunity, take up some new hobbies and see how you feel in a few months. I can almost guarantee that you will be getting laid more often and by hotter girls and the idea of getting back with your ex wont seem nearly as appealing as it does now.
Great post.

I thought I'd fucked up with this girl a month or so back and felt really shitty about it and would have liked to get her back.

Now I'm going on another date with a new girl who's similar looking, but even younger, even hotter, even smarter, and has none of the weird psychological problems that made the last one so difficult to deal with. I would have never met her if I hadn't just MOVED ON.
Author:  Wal [ Tue Jan 11, 2011 7:55 pm ]
Post subject: 
learnandgrow, I just saw your thread in the General Questions section.

break-up-vt82616.html

You broke up with her after she started showing signs that she was not interested anymore--as a way to punish her.

Then you play the no contact game, to teach her how valuable you are, and it has gotten out of hand.


Uhm.
Why would you do this? You want to know how to get her back without seeming like you are losing the game, right? Well, the only time you lose a game in a relationship is when you keep playing it.

If you want her in a relationship with you, go tell her (and if she says no, you should leave her alone). If you don't want her, leave her alone.

Don't mess with her head, mang. Don't play power struggle games with her, either.

post edited 1 time
Author:  Durden [ Tue Jan 11, 2011 8:45 pm ]
Post subject: 
WalQuer, I think you're right. In a relationship, we have to forget about the game. But when the girl loses interest for you, that you love her, and that you've already tried a lot of things to change it, you have to go back to the game (my opinion).

Make her think that you're not needy but an alpha male. I'm actually doing this with my girl, because our relation is about to break up and that I love her. I don't know what is gonna happen, but I'll have no regret : I'll have tried everything.

I think that it was the same for learnandgrow
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