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She needs space: she feels I'm more serious than she is
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Author:  jpow1981 [ Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:35 pm ]
Post subject:  She needs space: she feels I'm more serious than she is
What does it mean when your girlfriend of 6 months tells you that she doesn’t feel the same, that she needs space, but that she wants to work it out? We are both 29 years old, and get along really well. When I asked her what kind of space, she just responds “space”. I assume that means less contact generally.

The backstory follows, but I thought I would ask some questions to get started:

Anyone have any thoughts on how best to proceed? I love her, and would like for this to work out. I’m aware that it might be easiest to start over, but I’m willing to put in some work because I have strong feelings for her. I don’t have oneitis (fortunately), though. I am aware that there are many other women out there for me.

What are your opinions on freeze-outs, limiting contact, etc? I feel as if limiting contact could help, but I’m concerned that an all-out freeze-out might be counter-productive since I am pretty awesome and wouldn’t want her to forget it!

In the meantime I am keeping myself occupied with friends, family, work and the gym in the hopes of making myself more scarce. I do find myself making time to see her, which I would think is counter-productive.

Do you think that it is important to have sex, the sooner, the better? Will this help to trigger natural programming? Or should I wait until she makes it clear that she is into it?

I am also under the impression that it is important that I try to make the time we do spend together fun. Any great ideas other than the usual restaurants, bars, movies and tv would be appreciated. I live in Montreal, so unfortunately most outdoor activities aren’t going to go over very well at this time of year.



Here’s the backstory:

We NEVER had one single fight for 5 months. For the first 5 months, she was constantly asking me to come over, to stay longer and would try to have sex with me at least once every time I would see her. In the last month, she has been traveling a lot, and sick when she was around, but none of those things have been happening

About a month ago, concerned that we have never actually had a conversation about our relationship, I tell her how I feel about her, and that it worries me that I may have to move for work at some point in the future. I would find out later that this was when she started to feel uncomfortable, thinking that I was taking this relationship more seriously than she was.

Shortly thereafter, she tells me that she’s leaving for a week to Cuba to an all-inclusive with her best friend. She tells me that she will buy a calling card when she’s there and will call me. Four days go by before I hear from her, so I send an email saying that I’m concerned that she has been abducted by aliens, let me know that you’re safe when you get a chance. The next day she finds me on MSN, and I tell her to please let me know that she’s ok periodically because I worry. The next time I hear from her is when she lands. She tells me that there was a storm that knocked out the internet, and that phone calls were 3$ per minute.

We have a conversation about it. I tell her that I felt uncomfortable with her going away on a vacation that is typically one in which girls “go wild” for a week if she’s not going to contact me periodically to tell me that she’s ok. I tell her that all I want is for her to literally pick up the phone, tell me that she’s ok and hang up. She responds by telling me that she doesn’t even call her parents when she’s away.

The next time I see her I ask her about what she means. I keep asking questions and she says that she feels like I am pushing her and it makes her uncomfortable. She jumps out of my car. The next day she boards a plane for work. I get a text from her apologizing, saying that she wants things to slow down a bit and that she needs some space.

She got back from her trip for 3 days and caught cold when she was away. I make the mistake of taking care of her when she is sick. She is saying she needs space, and there I am waiting on her every need.

We end up having a couple more conversations like this after she starts to get better, and tells me that she is feeling homesick (she moved to Montreal two years ago), that she feels anxious feeling like we’ll have another such conversation and that she doesn’t feel the same, but she’s not exactly sure what it is, and that she doesn’t like me asking about it until she is ready to tell me. She also says that she will tell me when she is ready. She says that she still loves me, and that she wants this relationship to work. At some point I started kissing her and trying to make out, and she made it clear that sex was not something she was interested in at that point. She also tried to make it clear that it had nothing to do with me, but I have my doubts.
Author:  Savlon [ Fri Nov 19, 2010 1:56 am ]
Post subject: 
ok i only read your first paragraph... not because i cant read but because im lazy and its fucking huge lol...

and from my experience... if they say "i need more space"... i found that it generally means they've found someone else... if she REALLYYYY liked you she wouldnt need space lol... i havent found a woman that really likes me but doesnt want me to talk to her lol... use your common sense mate... call her bluff... tell her "ok no worries... i might talk to you in a few days" and once you've said that... personally... i go fuck everything i could lol... but you dont seem like that... so if i were you i'd probably just get on with my life... dont call her... dont message her... dont facebook her... just cut all contact and give her her "space"...

i'd just move on... plenty more women out there... so go find them :P
Author:  Roz [ Fri Nov 19, 2010 8:27 am ]
Post subject:  Re: She needs space: she feels I'm more serious than she is
Quote:
if they say "i need more space"... i found that it generally means they've found someone else
Sometimes, but not generally.. and not in this case.
Quote:
She responds by telling me that she doesn’t even call her parents when she’s away.
She feels suffocated. You're acting more like her father than her boyfriend. Stop checking up on her- in fact, never check up on her- I don't care how "concerned" you are for her. And don't demand that she keep you up-to-date and give you a play-by-play of her whereabouts.

The problem most guys have is that they think once they get the girl, they can stop "playing". They start messaging her often, become jealous, tell her they love her and can't stand to lose her etc. Let's look at some of the other things you did wrong:
Quote:
We NEVER had one single fight for 5 months.
We like to fight and start arguments. We like to be a mess of emotions. Wanna know why good guys always finish last? They make the girl feel "good" all the time.. that's only one emotion, and she gets bored. The more emotions you make her feel, the more she'll chase you- good, bad, vulnerable, angry, hurt, passionate, loved, jealous, etc... she subconsciously wants to feel all these things, believe me.

Us women, we like our lives to be a soap opera. It really took a lot for me to look outside myself in an objective manner and realize this; we love to complain to our girlfriends about your "bad" behavior, and we love to play the victim. We love to cry to our friends and act like it's the end of our world when you dump us- you will probably never get another woman to admit this to you, but it's a subconscious psychological need we all have. So rock the boat once in a while.
Quote:
concerned that we have never actually had a conversation about our relationship, I tell her how I feel about her
Bingo! Never tell a girl how you feel about her in full depth, unless of course she's constantly telling you. And you should never be the first to initiate this kind of conversation- that's her job. You hear women say all the time "oh God, why do I always have to be the one to bring "us" up", but believe me, she prefers it that way. She might not admit it, or even know it, but she does.
Quote:
Four days go by before I hear from her, so I send an email saying that I’m concerned that she has been abducted by aliens, let me know that you’re safe when you get a chance.
I've already been through this, but again- if she says she'll contact you, let her contact you. Don't ever e-mail her anything like this again.
Quote:
I tell her that I felt uncomfortable with her going away on a vacation that is typically one in which girls “go wild” for a week if she’s not going to contact me periodically to tell me that she’s ok.
See, this here is why she needs a break- you're too much baggage! Imagine a girl asked you to contact her periodically to tell her you're "ok"...
Quote:
she’s not exactly sure what it is
I'll tell you what it is. You're too invested, too into her, and she can smell it on you.
This is what you need to do:

Tell her you think it's a good idea the two of you take a break, because you know what you want and you're not getting it from her. You're done with this bullshit, and she should contact you when she has her priorities figured out. Then tell her you have to go, and actually do it. Go. Leave. I don't care if she starts crying.

Don't put up with her bullshit, and don't fool yourself into thinking you have her, and that it's okay to put your guard down. Play the game, and be a man. Show her she's not running things.

-Roz
Author:  ariana [ Fri Nov 19, 2010 9:18 am ]
Post subject: 
yep ...what Roz sed!!!! 8)
Author:  jpow1981 [ Fri Nov 26, 2010 8:08 am ]
Post subject: 
First off, thank you all for your responses. Roz in particular made some excellent points. The GF didn't say she needed a break though, just space. Eventually I figured out that that means less of me. She went away for a week for work, and then when she came back she told me that "everything was ok", and that she felt good about where we were.

We have been hanging out slightly less often, and it does seem like she's doing ok with where we're at. She's not acting like she is head over heels like she once did.
She also has made it clear to me that she is slightly depressed generally. She said this happens to her at this time of year, so I'm not sure if its S.A.D or me, or some combination. I don't know how to tell. She tells me that she has zero sex-drive, and generally spends all of her free time at home watching TV. It seems like a textbook case. All of this started around the time that we changed the clocks.

At the same time, in her depressed state she's not exactly made me reassured that we're back on track. I'm not even sure how she could. I feel like there's an absence of trust, and I'm not sure how to build it.

I'm not ready to break it off entirely yet. I want to give it a few weeks first to see if she breaks out of her funk first.

Perhaps Roz's advice still applies. Tell her that she needs to get herself together and to call me when she does. It does seem rather cruel though. Any thoughts?
Author:  Ryan Black SashaPUA [ Fri Nov 26, 2010 4:58 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
yep ...what Roz sed!!!! 8)
Concur, great post!

My post in this thread may help you too
facebook-and-your-girlfriend-vt79332.html
Author:  Flex19 [ Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:08 am ]
Post subject: 
Roz Im new to this forum. I am going through a similar situation and would love to ask you a few questions! How do i go about doing that?
Author:  PUA Slave [ Fri Dec 10, 2010 1:46 pm ]
Post subject: 
Been there man!

Follow and subscribe to this... i promise you, you will find this useful:

http://trustyourlifejourney.blogspot.com/
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