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Girlfriend is very CLOSED and insecure
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Author:  Apocalyptica [ Mon Nov 08, 2010 2:28 pm ]
Post subject:  Girlfriend is very CLOSED and insecure
ive been with this girl for about a month now and she really has problems with showing emotions.

she never talks about emotional stuff
she hugs me, but nearly kisses me
she is very insecure about nearly everthing, even about herself while she is really a hot girl.

the bottom line is that i miss sex and kissing, but she's really closed and not eager to show her complete person to me. i wonder something happened in the past with her.

I know however she likes me. When i say something i don't like, she does many effort to alter her behaviour. Although when i say it, she will never respond for it is to hard for her to talk about it.

What should i do? Any advice? Talk about my own emotions? Forcing the kiss?

thanks.
Author:  poet1234 [ Mon Nov 08, 2010 3:40 pm ]
Post subject: 
Try to be a person to whom she can open to,by being more transparent yourself.That plus a little sense of humor.And escalate slow(DO NOT force anything).
Good luck.
Author:  ariana [ Tue Nov 09, 2010 9:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend is very CLOSED and insecure
the more you open up about yourself, the more she may decide you are the kind of person she can trust with how she feels

if you can make her laugh she will feel more relaxed and happy in your company

will she let you kiss her forehead or cheek when you hug her?
Author:  Apocalyptica [ Tue Nov 09, 2010 11:08 pm ]
Post subject: 
Yes, if we hug i can kiss her on the forehead. or on the cheeck.

if i lean in more and get eye contact, mostly she backs off, like saying "ok, lets go" or "ok, lets do this".
Author:  Spectre67 [ Wed Nov 10, 2010 3:35 am ]
Post subject: 
My girl was kind of the same way when we first started dating a few months ago.. I think it's best just to joke around with it a lot, in a teasing way.

Then what Ariana said, just open up more! If she's worth the keep dude, just keep it going strong and soon enough she'll let you break ground.
Author:  ariana [ Wed Nov 10, 2010 8:02 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Yes, if we hug i can kiss her on the forehead. or on the cheeck. if i lean in more and get eye contact, mostly she backs off, like saying "ok, lets go" or "ok, lets do this".
ok then i think you maybe just need to increase the amount of times you kiss her like that, if she is uncomfortable with full on eyecontact, do it from the side , horse whisperer style http://www.careerwithanimals.co.uk/what ... er-do.html :wink:
you can walk or sit side-by-side, put your arm round her for short periods but often and try to increase the body contact little by little, maybe stroke her hair, hold her hand, kiss her hand, make the contact playful, this way, like a wild horse, she will slowly get used to being touched more, make eyecontact and hold it just a tiny bit longer each time (dont try to put a saddle on her yet tho !!!!!) - if she is up for a back massage that is a great way to get used to being touched in an enjoyable and non-threatening and relaxing way
a game you can maybe play to get to know her more, sit back-to-back on the floor but holding hands, then take turns telling each other 5 or 10 'secrets', start the first time you play this game only telling silly inconsequential things like about daft things you did when you were a kid - this will be non-threatening and make her laugh esp if your secrets are really self deprecating, but its a good way later down the line to share other more deep things eg 5 things that make you happy, 5 films that made you cry, or 5 things that make you sad, hopefully at some point you can turn round to face each other while you tell the secrets and plus maybe if you think it will work you can can play truth kiss or dare...anyway eventually she may find this game a good way to open up to you gradually
Author:  Apocalyptica [ Thu Nov 11, 2010 12:47 pm ]
Post subject: 
thanks for the input

eventually the bottom line is that i give her a lot of affection (for ex when we are watching a movie and shes lying next to me, im rubbing her back, etc.) , but she doesn't give me any affection BACK.


It's like i have to give all the love and she only lies there, receiving it, without reacting to it, letting alone giving me some back..

its not that i cant touch her. i can touch her ass if i want all they way, she just doesnt react.

no clue what her problem is.
Author:  ariana [ Sat Nov 13, 2010 12:52 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
... bottom line is that i give her a lot of affection (for ex when we are watching a movie and shes lying next to me, im rubbing her back, etc.) , but she doesn't give me any affection BACK. It's like i have to give all the love and she only lies there, receiving it, without reacting to it, letting alone giving me some back..; its not that i cant touch her. i can touch her ass if i want all they way, she just doesnt react.; no clue what her problem is.
ah ok well that clarifies things a bit; this might be a silly question, but have you asked her 'what her problem is'? obv not using those exact words but only she can tell you...now you say more, it sounds like she has got comfortable with you touching her but still feels uncomfortable doing the touching

when you see her, try not initiating hugs and kisses, try telling her to hug and kiss you; when you first see her just stand there at the door and say something like 'where's my hug then? - make her come to you - get her used to initiating the first action, even if she has to be prompted
so, when you are rubbing her back, turn over and say 'my turn now', then let her know how much you love what she does
dont do stuff for her just in the hope that she will reciprocate. just tell her what you want her/love for her to do. displaying affection may not be so natural to her for any number of reasons, she may be a bit more inhibited about it than some people but the more she does it (even if you have to ask) and the more you let her know you appreciate it - the more natural, unscary and enjoyable it will become for her
Author:  Apocalyptica [ Sat Nov 13, 2010 3:46 pm ]
Post subject: 
Yesterday we talked a bit about it.

I was wanting to hold her hands, and she just turned it down. I came to the point that i forced her and said, what is your problem with that? She said "we are not in the kindergarten". I said its no problem if you don't like to hold hands, but please don't offend me in this way.

She cared for me as she was really insecure whether I was angry with her. It's all the time like this: she's insecure about whether i would be angry with her for any kind of action.

We were in the club, and i wanted to kiss her. She backed off again. I asked her "you dont like kissing ?" she said, no not in the club, i dont like the kind of people hanging over eachother in a public place kissing like hell".

when we went home we were in bed and we kissed for 10minutes without stopping. Never had such a kiss.

Its like she is incredibly shy/insecure in public to show her affection thowards me. I try to understand her and not to force her, to make her feel comfortable. But its not always easy given that i don't receive much fyiscal contact from her.

I asked her if she wants to meet my parents who are coming over, just as a form of politeness. She said "do i really need to? i"m just a friend for them, like all your friends". I got a bit upset took her outside and asked her "what am i for you? a friend? or something more; like a boyfriend?" she said, after some stupid bullshit in between, "maybe more boyfriend".

She has so much difficulties to really give her over to me. Its like a constant resistance. But I KNOW she likes me. When i'm angry and i go away (just slam the door and go home, its so powerfull), she runs after me. If i tell something i dont like, she tries to adapt. If she sees im a bit quiit, she asks me whats wrong, are you angry? you cant be angry on me, please..

We have many discussions, but everytime it gets solved, because.. we like eachother so much?

If this ever gets a SERIOUS relationship, it will be a good one lasting for long time i hope.



thanks for the response and time
Author:  maria_ [ Sat Nov 13, 2010 5:33 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Yesterday we talked a bit about it.

I was wanting to hold her hands, and she just turned it down. I came to the point that i forced her and said, what is your problem with that? She said "we are not in the kindergarten". I said its no problem if you don't like to hold hands, but please don't offend me in this way.

She cared for me as she was really insecure whether I was angry with her. It's all the time like this: she's insecure about whether i would be angry with her for any kind of action.

We were in the club, and i wanted to kiss her. She backed off again. I asked her "you dont like kissing ?" she said, no not in the club, i dont like the kind of people hanging over eachother in a public place kissing like hell".

when we went home we were in bed and we kissed for 10minutes without stopping. Never had such a kiss.

Its like she is incredibly shy/insecure in public to show her affection thowards me. I try to understand her and not to force her, to make her feel comfortable. But its not always easy given that i don't receive much fyiscal contact from her.

I asked her if she wants to meet my parents who are coming over, just as a form of politeness. She said "do i really need to? i"m just a friend for them, like all your friends". I got a bit upset took her outside and asked her "what am i for you? a friend? or something more; like a boyfriend?" she said, after some stupid bullshit in between, "maybe more boyfriend".

She has so much difficulties to really give her over to me. Its like a constant resistance. But I KNOW she likes me. When i'm angry and i go away (just slam the door and go home, its so powerfull), she runs after me. If i tell something i dont like, she tries to adapt. If she sees im a bit quiit, she asks me whats wrong, are you angry? you cant be angry on me, please..

We have many discussions, but everytime it gets solved, because.. we like eachother so much?

If this ever gets a SERIOUS relationship, it will be a good one lasting for long time i hope.



thanks for the response and time
With all respect, from what you are writing here, this girl sounds that she is not that into you.
The first sign is that she does not feel the need to be affectionate with you. Second sign I see here is that she is not that enthusiastic to show to the world that you two are a couple. And last point that you should not miss is that she is not interested meeting your loved ones.
Most girls want to get married and meeting your parents is a step closer to you. She is not that keen for that.
Perhaps the fact that she pays attention to what you tell her might be an IOI and also the fact that runs after you if you leave her but this is not a clear sign that she is into you. It might be her not wanting to be single. Some girls like to have someone next to them than noone without this meaning that they are in love.

I hope all I am saying here to be wrong. I wish you good luck. :roll:
Author:  Apocalyptica [ Sat Nov 13, 2010 5:49 pm ]
Post subject: 
did you read we know eachother for 1 month ?
Author:  Apocalyptica [ Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:45 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Quote:
Yesterday we talked a bit about it.

I was wanting to hold her hands, and she just turned it down. I came to the point that i forced her and said, what is your problem with that? She said "we are not in the kindergarten". I said its no problem if you don't like to hold hands, but please don't offend me in this way.

She cared for me as she was really insecure whether I was angry with her. It's all the time like this: she's insecure about whether i would be angry with her for any kind of action.

We were in the club, and i wanted to kiss her. She backed off again. I asked her "you dont like kissing ?" she said, no not in the club, i dont like the kind of people hanging over eachother in a public place kissing like hell".

when we went home we were in bed and we kissed for 10minutes without stopping. Never had such a kiss.

Its like she is incredibly shy/insecure in public to show her affection thowards me. I try to understand her and not to force her, to make her feel comfortable. But its not always easy given that i don't receive much fyiscal contact from her.

I asked her if she wants to meet my parents who are coming over, just as a form of politeness. She said "do i really need to? i"m just a friend for them, like all your friends". I got a bit upset took her outside and asked her "what am i for you? a friend? or something more; like a boyfriend?" she said, after some stupid bullshit in between, "maybe more boyfriend".

She has so much difficulties to really give her over to me. Its like a constant resistance. But I KNOW she likes me. When i'm angry and i go away (just slam the door and go home, its so powerfull), she runs after me. If i tell something i dont like, she tries to adapt. If she sees im a bit quiit, she asks me whats wrong, are you angry? you cant be angry on me, please..

We have many discussions, but everytime it gets solved, because.. we like eachother so much?

If this ever gets a SERIOUS relationship, it will be a good one lasting for long time i hope.



thanks for the response and time
With all respect, from what you are writing here, this girl sounds that she is not that into you.
The first sign is that she does not feel the need to be affectionate with you. Second sign I see here is that she is not that enthusiastic to show to the world that you two are a couple. And last point that you should not miss is that she is not interested meeting your loved ones.
Most girls want to get married and meeting your parents is a step closer to you. She is not that keen for that.
Perhaps the fact that she pays attention to what you tell her might be an IOI and also the fact that runs after you if you leave her but this is not a clear sign that she is into you. It might be her not wanting to be single. Some girls like to have someone next to them than noone without this meaning that they are in love.

I hope all I am saying here to be wrong. I wish you good luck. :roll:
I want to put some counterarguments here.

1/ She's not affectionate. She was. From the moment we were home we start kissing, and not for one second. She is not affectionate OUTSIDE. Why is it? Could be many reasons. As far i know her, she's uncomfortable with showing affection on bright day when were sourrounded by others. She might be shy? You could say it is because she doesn't like to be with me outside. But why then does she likes to be with me INSIDE?

2/She doesn't want to meet my parents. Well, we know eachother 1 month. Maybe she wants to take things much more slowly as i do. It COULD BE understandable.

3/ "It might be her not wanting to be single" True, but then again, most of us prefer to have a loved one, no? She's on erasmus just like me. She is attractive and gets attention by a lot of guys. She choosed me. Just as it always go, you choose somebody. Why? Because you like that person. Observing a relationship as just "willing to be with somebody just not to be single" is imo not an argument, it is a very pessimistic view on a relationship.


Anyway; it's not to convice myself that she's into me. I don't fully know whether it is. Ill discover soon enough, when i will back off a little bit from her and see what happens.
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