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Is there a way to help your gf get over her insecurities?
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Author:  dasani [ Tue Oct 26, 2010 11:11 am ]
Post subject:  Is there a way to help your gf get over her insecurities?
As the topic says, is there? This is mainly regarding her jealousy of other girls. I once believed that you have to slowly prove to her that your word about the other person is trustable - but I no longer believe that since I don't see it working in my current case.

I'm taking this off another site/link that I was given which resembles my girlfriend's jealousy issue:
"I was mad at the time because she basically caused me to cut off all contact with one of my best friends(female) of years because she was jealous because I was excited to see her like the week after we started dating because I hadn't seen her in months. (she was visiting somebody else and stopped by to say hi to me)."

At the same time, I do not force any boundaries on who she talks to/who she chooses to be friends with (even those i know who want to solely bang her). But when it comes to one of my good friends or let alone any friend of mine that's a girl, she becomes jealous and gives off the vibe of being threatened (especially if they're pretty).

I understand that many girls are insecure and it's nothing unexpected, but this one seems a bit more extreme to me. I have to constantly assure her that I have no feelings for any of these girls. Even then, she still pulls the "you're gonna be spending time with her, i'm mad" card.

At this stage, I'm going to re-start my friendship with that good friend of mine since I've dumbly realized that it's ridiculous that I allow her to do this to me; especially since I don't put any boundaries on her friends. When I even mention of the possibility of doing so, she tells me i'm insecure...then I bring it up that this is what she does and an argument ensues which always has the line "fine, don't be with me then".

I know there's a thread about girlfriends with low self-esteem. I feel like I don't want to re-assure her anymore and that saying it once or once in a while is sufficient - repeatedly reassuring her makes me feel that my word is being disregarded. Besides slowly proving to her that my word is trustable, is there any other ways?
Author:  ariana [ Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:11 pm ]
Post subject: 
ooh this is tough

there are ways to help your gf get over her insecurities yes, but essentially i dont think that relationships can function healthily if people dont trust each other

i think there is a simple question you need to ask her when she starts on about asking where you have been who you are with etc etc which is:

'do you trust me?' yes or no

there are no ifs or buts, it all hinges on that really

so you arent asking her is she insecure, (you can be insecure about yourself, but still trust someone at the same time) or does she think the other girls are prettier, or does she think other girls are after you or anything else......its just 4 simple words with a yes/no answer

if she says 'i dont know' then your response shud be, 'you need to think about it and decide, because we cant go forward if we dont trust each other'.

She might need to think about the answer for a while, essentially have you been trustworthy to date and so based on her experience to date, of you, should she trust you going forward' sometimes if we are to gain, we all need to take calculated risks based on the odds we have at the time i think

if the answer is no, then its about what she thinks of you, and imo you and she dont stand a chance going forward

you can tell her till you are blue in the face that you arent cheating, you dont fancy anyone else, you and other women are only friends, you only love her etc etc etc, but that wont help her insecurities and it wont make her trust you. i dont think not seeing your female friends is the answer, because the rest of the world is 50% female, and its not as if you can avoid mixing with the rest of us for the rest of both your lives is it.....?
Author:  Sean E. Sexton [ Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:54 pm ]
Post subject: 
That's a good question, to be honest, I don't think it's worth keeping a relationship like that, but I'd love to be proven wrong. Give it a try and keep us up to date on how it goes.
Author:  dasani [ Sun Nov 07, 2010 1:18 am ]
Post subject: 
The trust issue has gotten worse to the point where whenever I'm not with her she thinks i'm cheating. She makes this worse by pointing out that since I have to do my thing, she is going to do her thing such as clubbing (clubbing is an on the fine line thing for me since this girl doesn't have the greatest reputation of results when coming out of a club) or hanging out with dudes who wanna bang her. I have no problem with her doing things by herself or hanging out with other guys, but since she's doing it to solely make me feel uncomfortable then I see it as her getting back at me for what she thinks is an action to hurt her.

As ariana said, i can tell her non-stop that I won't be cheating and that she's the only one, but that won't change anything. I've never cheated on her and she also once admitted that she knows I won't, yet her fear still overpowers it for the most part. However, I'm not entirely guiltless of adding onto her insecurity, though.

Usually when trust is gone I would usually agree that the relationship is gone too. But, I'm curious to see if trust can be rebuilt without giving in to her insecurities.
Author:  magnum45 [ Sun Nov 07, 2010 10:27 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Is there a way to help your gf get over her insecurities
You have to love your girlfriend for who she is, insecurities and all. If not you will forever being trying to change her. Even if she listens to you and fixes her insecurities you will just want more because she will be fixing her problems for you and not for herself.

YOU CAN'T CHANGE HER.

Don't waste your time.
Author:  ariana [ Tue Nov 09, 2010 7:35 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
She has to want to fix them. You can be there as she does that. You probably should consider moving on before things turn nasty.
agreed, she has to believe the 'fault' is hers before she will change
however its always so much easier to blame others instead of turning the lens on ourselves
as long as she is blaming you for the perceived issue, she wont alter her behaviour
as long as you continue to alter your behaviours and/or give her the reassurances she craves in response to her pulling the jealousy stunts, her behaviour will be rewarded and she will continue with it because it works for her - every time it works she learns she can do it again.....'nuff sed good luck :roll:
Author:  dasani [ Sat Nov 13, 2010 1:19 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
as long as you continue to alter your behaviours and/or give her the reassurances she craves in response to her pulling the jealousy stunts, her behaviour will be rewarded and she will continue with it because it works for her - every time it works she learns she can do it again
Yep, one of the big issues. As ariana said, trust can't be rebuilt until she sees her own fault. Too bad some people are too proud or ignorant to take even a minute to address their issues. With various fights, looks like the relationship is over and I'm trying to cut my losses now. Like before, she will try to seek my attention with whatever she can (she has already started). Hopefully this time I don't give in to her false apologies :roll:
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