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My fiance has major depression....help!
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Author:  Checkfigure1 [ Fri Sep 03, 2010 7:39 pm ]
Post subject:  My fiance has major depression....help!
For about a year now, my fiance and I have been discussing her moving back into her parents home so she can save more $ for our wedding and to buy a home. She was strongly against the idea for a while, but eventually she realized the financial benefits. She and her roomate friend put their notice in a couple of months ago and just moved out at the end of last month.

After the first week of being back in her parents home, she has become severly depressed. Since she has moved back, we have not had sex or barely even kissed. Her mood is always sad, upset, or angry.

Last night, she totally blew up. Her dad and her don't get along the best. A minor incident caused them to scream at each other. She came over to me and told me what happened. As she explained how her dad was yelling at her, I told her that I don't appreciate him talking to her that way and he shouldn't treat her like that. Her response " You have no right to talk about my father that way!!" I just exlplained that I like him, I just don't want him yelling at her. 10 minutes later she says that she wished her father would have a heart attack and die. She also said that if she had a gun she would have shot him. I thought to myself WTF??? I can't say anything bad, but she wants to kill him?

Now she wants us to get a place together before we can afford it because she can't stand living there. I don't know what to do. I love my girl very much, but it is totally frusturating that she can't be adaptable to the new living conditions and puts up such strong resistance if things don't go her way.

She also said to me later that she doesn't want to loose me and wanted me to promise her that I would never leave. Then she said that if I wasn't in her life, she would commit suicide. She can be a huge drama queen. I seriously doubt she would go through with any of her threats, but at the moment she means them.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to handle a woman like this? She is a great girl, but she totally blows things out of proportion.

thank you
Author:  Chillburg [ Fri Sep 03, 2010 10:07 pm ]
Post subject: 
When my girlfriend blows things out of proportions, I calmly call her out on it. Just use a relaxed voice and tone. Tell her you're not siding with anyone, you're just an observer and this is how you see things. This is where some minor NLP knowledge is a bonus.
Author:  Firebrand [ Mon Sep 06, 2010 4:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My fiance has major depression....help!
NLP and Pacification patterns will be helpful in dealing with the matter, but I think there is a much clearer way.
Quote:
she has become severly depressed ... Her mood is always sad, upset, or angry ... I seriously doubt she would go through with any of her threats, but at the moment she means them.
This sounds serious to me. I would recommend you seek advice from a medical professional.
Author:  newscctv1 [ Fri Sep 10, 2010 9:12 am ]
Post subject: 
Im happy to say im going to L.A. to do a bootcamp with Adam on Nov 12. Should Be a great time. Im a little scared but ill be ok
Author:  Checkfigure1 [ Sun Sep 12, 2010 4:31 am ]
Post subject: 
Thanks guys :D

Where can I pick up some effective NLP patterns?

She has been going nuts tonight. This evening she asked her mom if we could stay at her parents house to watch tv. Her mom wasn't happy about the idea and my fiance flipped out. She bitched and complained how I am not doing anything to make her life happy and she wishes to be dead. It really wears thin on me when she goes off like this. It is also hard not to respond to her negativity. I am desperate right now to find something that will calm her down.

:)
Author:  Chillburg [ Fri Oct 22, 2010 12:26 am ]
Post subject: 
NLP patters can be found with google I don't really have any for you right now.

Maybe it's time for her to get some real help, I think NLP will only help you in the short run instead of the long run. Have you tried getting her to get a councellor?
Author:  ariana [ Sun Oct 24, 2010 10:20 am ]
Post subject:  Re: My fiance has major depression....help!
you say that not only was she yelling, but also her dad was yelling at her? and when you sed its not ok for your dad to yell at you, she got defensive over him?

ok so looking at this (and the other stuff you have told us)

people get into habits of behaving certain ways when they are growing up; some behaviours, such as screaming matches, are acceptable/normal in some households even considered good for getting things of one's chest, but huge no-no's in other homes. (for eg my mum used to 'sulk' as a way of dealing with issues, this is what i learnt to do also, then as i got older i realised it's incredibly immature passive agressive behaviour and i learnt to be better and handle issues more maturely, calmly and assertively.)

going back to her family home may have caused your gf to revert back to family ways of dealing with issues, her home may not generally have been a calm and happy place for her when she was growing up, perhaps there were a lot of unresolved issues (esp if there is not a tendency to sit down and talk but rather to yell?) going back home may have brought these issues back up in her mind because she never resolved them or dealt with them in the first place; maybe being a drama queen was the only way of getting attention when she was growing up?

how to handle her dramatics? simple really..ignore the bad behaviour, just dont react...tell her (nicely) what you want and reward the 'good behaviour' ... a lot...i think its called positive re-inforcement?

if she is depressed, good things for depression are exercise, hugs, fresh air, lots of hugs, a pet, singing (apparently), sex (and hugs), shopping (for girls anyway) - and if all that doesnt work, then take her to a doctor and get her some antidepressants or counselling

one very small thing in my mind, which i really hesitate to mention, but occured to me when you mentioned suicide threats, wanting to shoot her dad, alongside not having sex since you got there along with all the other stuff tbh ... is abuse - this can take many forms (not just talking about sexual abuse and also could involve other family members rather than her), but it can leave nasty scars - not sure how you could broach that tbh but you might want to think about it as a possible, tread very carefully here for obv reasons

edit: i just realised how old this thread is, and read your most recent post, so maybe all the above points can be safely ignored; but i'll leave it there anyway...who knows
Author:  Checkfigure1 [ Fri Oct 29, 2010 3:23 am ]
Post subject: 
Thanks for the reply :)

She goes through depression a lot. If she doesn't get her way on something, she throws a fit and blows it way out of proportion. With her moving back to her parents house, it made me realize this.

If something does not turn out how she wanted it, she turns into a very cranky person. It is tough to ignore her sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I should try to appease her so she doesn't blow up.

I try to encourage her that we should go out and do things, but unless she is happy with it she puts up a fuss.

Tomorrow she has a doctors examine for a physical. So tonight she ignores me and hardly says a word and is totally worked up. She takes it out on me and I don't know how to calm her since she is depressed.

How do I get her to not take things out on me, but work together to get through her problems?

Thank you
Author:  ariana [ Fri Oct 29, 2010 3:41 pm ]
Post subject: 
it is a 100% fact that people do what works for them on some level; if putting up a fuss blowing up/getting worked up/becoming a cranky person didnt work for her on some level she would not continue to do it

its also a truth that usually anger is fear based; that is to say people express anger when really they are covering up for something they are scared of either happening or not happening; and often this is based on their past experiences

to get past this some people need anger management, some benefit from counselling to work out their fears and anxieties, some need anti-depressants, some people just have to figure it out themselves but it can take a long time and people get damaged along the way

However in any case before the any of the above can take place the very first step that will have to happen, before she will be able to change, she first has to acknowlege she behaves the way she does. And she needs to want to behave differently. However, if its working for her thus far, why would she want to change? There needs to be a powerful motivator for her to adopt different behaviours to get what she wants in future.

You also do what works: 'Sometimes I feel like I should try to appease her so she doesn't blow up.' The paragraph above applies to you too!

Fear of something is a powerful motivator for bad, but also for good. For example, if we are scared of losing our house, it motivates us to get a job. similarly if she were fearful of you leaving her, it might motivate her to change for the better. Not suggesting an outright ultimatum but maybe you see where i am going with this. If she trusts you, then maybe you can gently get to talk to you about what she fears. Sometimes you have to be slow but persistent with this, and there will be tears. If you can get to the bottom of her fear issues (and trust me we all have them), then you may be able to make progress with her anger

send me a pm if you want
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