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relationship damage control
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Author:  chrispb7 [ Sat May 22, 2010 5:24 pm ]
Post subject:  relationship damage control
i confess she is NOT my gf but i think this belongs in this section anyway.

she is a girl ive been dating for two months, she basically love(d) me but i said
a while ago i didnt want a relationship. after hanging out with her and having so
much fun, i planned on making her my gf very soon.

however. i fucked up. she knows i have a temper. i agree. wednesday we were
at my friends house and some dude who's needy and obsessive with her was there
who i also know she would never hook up with. he was doing his usual needy shit.
my jealousy bottled up and i just went home across the street. she came over to
see whats wrong and i blew up at her. got really mad. slammed the door and
everything. i found out she cried the entire night.

we didnt talk at all until i waited for her at her car after school the next day. i
apologized. did what i needed to. she called me that night to tell me good night but
cancelled our friday date so she could have a break from me. we talked friday
morning and i havent heard from her since.

I've been feeling depressed ever since. I dont know if she just needs her space,
or is playing games, or just doesnt like me anymore. I want to fix this but i dont
know how. NOW. yes i want her back, but im not the typical guy on the forum who
thinks its the end of the world if i cant get her back, simply because i've gone thru
this. the pain goes away, i'll get over her if i have to. but if anyone can help me
thatd be cool.

the only thing i can think of is waiting til like sunday, call her, and say something
like:
"hey, all i can do is promise you i wont do anything this drastic again. i know i hurt
you and the thought of you crying tears me apart, i just wanna hold you and
promise it'll be alright. but youve been distant since. maybe your still hurt, again,
all i can do about that is promise. but if your playing games... then im disappointed
that you would act like all the other shallow girls, which kills me cuz i loved how
you were a team player. so i want to know right now, are you gonna get over this?
or are you gonna keep playing games? cuz if you do play games i want you to
tell me this second that we're done. i want a team player in my life and im not
gonna wait on you if your not gonna be that."


thoughts...?
Author:  openMinded [ Thu Jun 03, 2010 7:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: relationship damage control
Quote:
i confess she is NOT my gf but i think this belongs in this section anyway.

she is a girl ive been dating for two months, she basically love(d) me but i said
a while ago i didnt want a relationship. after hanging out with her and having so
much fun, i planned on making her my gf very soon.

however. i fucked up. she knows i have a temper. i agree. wednesday we were
at my friends house and some dude who's needy and obsessive with her was there
who i also know she would never hook up with. he was doing his usual needy shit.
my jealousy bottled up and i just went home across the street. she came over to
see whats wrong and i blew up at her. got really mad. slammed the door and
everything. i found out she cried the entire night.

we didnt talk at all until i waited for her at her car after school the next day. i
apologized. did what i needed to. she called me that night to tell me good night but
cancelled our friday date so she could have a break from me. we talked friday
morning and i havent heard from her since.

I've been feeling depressed ever since. I dont know if she just needs her space,
or is playing games, or just doesnt like me anymore. I want to fix this but i dont
know how. NOW. yes i want her back, but im not the typical guy on the forum who
thinks its the end of the world if i cant get her back, simply because i've gone thru
this. the pain goes away, i'll get over her if i have to. but if anyone can help me
thatd be cool.

the only thing i can think of is waiting til like sunday, call her, and say something
like:
"hey, all i can do is promise you i wont do anything this drastic again. i know i hurt
you and the thought of you crying tears me apart, i just wanna hold you and
promise it'll be alright. but youve been distant since. maybe your still hurt, again,
all i can do about that is promise. but if your playing games... then im disappointed
that you would act like all the other shallow girls, which kills me cuz i loved how
you were a team player. so i want to know right now, are you gonna get over this?
or are you gonna keep playing games? cuz if you do play games i want you to
tell me this second that we're done. i want a team player in my life and im not
gonna wait on you if your not gonna be that."


thoughts...?
Hey, how about try this instead: ""hey, I promise you I won't hurt you again. That day, I was just really angry when i saw the other guy trying to flirt with you. I don't usually have a bad temper, but when I saw that guy flirting with you, a part of me just somehow went nuts. I wished I knew why, and I am sincerely sorry for throwing that temper at you. I will try my best not to ever let that happen again. I promise.

Can you please come back to me, so that everything can be normal again? I really need you in my life. "
Author:  Lodewijkp [ Fri Jun 04, 2010 7:37 pm ]
Post subject: 
she got you by the balls ...
""hey, I promise you I won't hurt you again. That day, I was just really angry when i saw the other guy trying to flirt with you. I don't usually have a bad temper, but when I saw that guy flirting with you, a part of me just somehow went nuts. I wished I knew why, and I am sincerely sorry for throwing that temper at you. I will try my best not to ever let that happen again. I promise.

Can you please come back to me, so that everything can be normal again? I really need you in my life. "

well at first ... you can't promise someone you will never get mad or something like it , whenever you hurt her again she probably will make you remember your promises.....
Don't tell her your angry .. just tell her you were having a very very bad day
Don't say you were jealous , because everytime she communicates with a guy she will fear you will get jealous and blow up - this gives her the feeling you owning her.. bad..
Say sorry
Don't promise anything
You don't need her into your life ...... you can also live with another girl.
Author:  chrispb7 [ Sat Jun 05, 2010 5:30 am ]
Post subject: 
yeah i didnt let her know i was jealous... and i didnt promise i'd never get mad
again lol i'm human. i did say all i can do is try and stop myself from doing any
thing this drastic again.

i know i don't need her in my life, but it would be nice. i can honestly say, i live
in a reasonably scarce town. i guess if i don't get her i might just have to wait
three months until college but it'd still be nice to have her as part of my life
cuz she's a cool chick.
Author:  openMinded [ Sat Jun 05, 2010 7:25 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
yeah i didnt let her know i was jealous... and i didnt promise i'd never get mad
again lol i'm human. i did say all i can do is try and stop myself from doing any
thing this drastic again.

i know i don't need her in my life, but it would be nice. i can honestly say, i live
in a reasonably scarce town. i guess if i don't get her i might just have to wait
three months until college but it'd still be nice to have her as part of my life
cuz she's a cool chick.
The hell with you people. Treating girls like tools or practice game. Girls hate these kinds of guys the most.
Author:  chrispb7 [ Sat Jun 05, 2010 5:08 pm ]
Post subject: 
lol dude, i absolutely hate the term "gaming girls" and things like that.
If you are a jealous dude, that's insecure, and the girl senses that, which is
unnattractive. And most people know neediness is the number one attraction
killer, pua or not, and you said "i need you in my life right now."

... care to explain?
Author:  openMinded [ Sat Jun 05, 2010 5:35 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
lol dude, i absolutely hate the term "gaming girls" and things like that.
If you are a jealous dude, that's insecure, and the girl senses that, which is
unnattractive. And most people know neediness is the number one attraction
killer, pua or not, and you said "i need you in my life right now."

... care to explain?
What's more attractive? Jealousy or dishonesty? A man who is afraid to admit his feelings or a man who is not. A man who is not afraid to admit his feelings portrays confidence in self, honesty, and pride.

Neediness. Telling about your insecurities does not necessarily make you appear needy.
Telling someone "you need them in your life" does not necessarily make you appear clingy, needy or what so ever. You tell someone you need them in your life, because you want to let them know how important they are to you.
Author:  General Lamb [ Sat Jun 05, 2010 6:47 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
lol dude, i absolutely hate the term "gaming girls" and things like that.
If you are a jealous dude, that's insecure, and the girl senses that, which is
unnattractive. And most people know neediness is the number one attraction
killer, pua or not, and you said "i need you in my life right now."

... care to explain?
I'm glad you didn't follow that first advice, I agree with you in that neediness is an attraction killer, absolutely. Saying you "need" somebody in your life is needy, the clue's in the word "need". ESPECIALLY when you're not in an official relationship per se!!

There's a short term and a long term problem here, the short term problem is fixing the damage done, I wouldn't worry about that, since it doesn't really matter becasue either it'll work out or it won't, it might or might not be a deal breaker. Don't worry about it.

The long term issue is the root cause, i.e. the jealousy. This is something worth spending time on fixing, as it'll likely creep up again and again ruining relationship after relationship.

You say that the guy who sparked the jealousy is some loser who she would never get with, so if this is the case why the jealousy? Guys will talk to her who aren't losers, and if you can't handle a loser what about the others??

Ultimately jealousy is never a good thing, it's no fun to experience (I used to be a very jealous young lad) and when expressed the result is almost always destructive. There are ways to overcome it though, essentially by increasing self esteem and confidence (increasing these are definately worth doing as the benefits will overflow into other areas of your life).
In the meantime you can work on not expressing jealousy felt. :)

If she's still ignoring you why not focus your attention towards somebody else, it'll give you a means to take your mind off the situation.
Author:  chrispb7 [ Sat Jun 05, 2010 11:35 pm ]
Post subject: 
ok cool. so how exactly do i work on decreasing jealousy, etc.... specifically.
Author:  hosta [ Mon Jun 07, 2010 5:48 pm ]
Post subject: 
Jelousy is a females trait big time!
Author:  openMinded [ Mon Jun 07, 2010 7:14 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Quote:
lol dude, i absolutely hate the term "gaming girls" and things like that.
If you are a jealous dude, that's insecure, and the girl senses that, which is
unnattractive. And most people know neediness is the number one attraction
killer, pua or not, and you said "i need you in my life right now."

... care to explain?
I'm glad you didn't follow that first advice, I agree with you in that neediness is an attraction killer, absolutely. Saying you "need" somebody in your life is needy, the clue's in the word "need". ESPECIALLY when you're not in an official relationship per se!!
I agree with you that neediness is an attraction killer too, but I have to disagree that saying to someone that you need them always make you appear needy. Saying to someone that you need them in their life does not always make you appear needy. It depends on who’s saying it, how he is saying it, who he is saying it to, and lastly, the context in which he says it in. For instance, this example might be extreme, but note the effects. A guy, confident, independent, admirable, wealthy, has the looks, have girls chasing him all the time, power, success, and basically everything perfect for him. When such a guy tells a girl that, what might the girl think? Of course, not everyone is as lucky and perfect as this guy, but my point is that it doesn’t always make you appear needy from saying such things. There are exceptions. You just have to realize them.

Just make sure when you say “I really need you in my life.” Say the part, but don’t act the desperate and needy part and you will be ok.

Also, the phrase “I really need you in my life” actually doesn’t mean what you think it means to a girl. To a girl, what it means is that you are saying “You are important to me, and I want you in my life.” This is rather romantic. Again, this highlights that what you say has different meanings to different listeners. In fact, you even said it yourself "ESPECIALLY when you're not in an official relationship per se!!" . You're essentially highlighting an example of exception.

Lastly, about admitting that you are jealous topic. When a girl admits that they are jealous to you because of you, how do you feel? I find the person rather cute. Just make sure, when you admit that you are jealous, don't act all needy, insecure, or negative.
Author:  openMinded [ Mon Jun 07, 2010 7:31 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Jelousy is a females trait big time!
Well, that is pretty sexist. Jealousy is an emotion that both guys and girls biologically possess. An undeniable and specific feeling (you can almost never mix up jealousy with any other emotions; when you feel jealous, you know it and it becomes hard to to rationalize your brain to believe otherwise).

The only reason your generalization could be true is that girls tend to value their relationships with people more, and since the level of jealousy depends on your level of value for this person, girls just seem to be better displayers. Therefore, believe me, guys can and do get as jealous as girls. Guys just better hide their emotions.
Author:  General Lamb [ Tue Jun 08, 2010 11:29 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
ok cool. so how exactly do i work on decreasing jealousy, etc.... specifically.
There's loads of material out there for dealing with jealousy, such as http://www.therelationshipgym.com/overc ... alousy.htm and it is a pretty tough thing to deal with. Personally I found that the most effective way of dealing with it was by increasing my self esteem or "inner game" as opposed to rationalising it. Though that does help as well.

EDIT: I'd also reccomend having a look at some NLP material, some of the visualisation techniques may be useful for overcoming jealous feelings.
Author:  General Lamb [ Tue Jun 08, 2010 11:41 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
lol dude, i absolutely hate the term "gaming girls" and things like that.
If you are a jealous dude, that's insecure, and the girl senses that, which is
unnattractive. And most people know neediness is the number one attraction
killer, pua or not, and you said "i need you in my life right now."

... care to explain?
I'm glad you didn't follow that first advice, I agree with you in that neediness is an attraction killer, absolutely. Saying you "need" somebody in your life is needy, the clue's in the word "need". ESPECIALLY when you're not in an official relationship per se!!
I agree with you that neediness is an attraction killer too, but I have to disagree that saying to someone that you need them always make you appear needy. Saying to someone that you need them in their life does not always make you appear needy. It depends on who’s saying it, how he is saying it, who he is saying it to, and lastly, the context in which he says it in. For instance, this example might be extreme, but note the effects. A guy, confident, independent, admirable, wealthy, has the looks, have girls chasing him all the time, power, success, and basically everything perfect for him. When such a guy tells a girl that, what might the girl think? Of course, not everyone is as lucky and perfect as this guy, but my point is that it doesn’t always make you appear needy from saying such things. There are exceptions. You just have to realize them.

Just make sure when you say “I really need you in my life.” Say the part, but don’t act the desperate and needy part and you will be ok.

Also, the phrase “I really need you in my life” actually doesn’t mean what you think it means to a girl. To a girl, what it means is that you are saying “You are important to me, and I want you in my life.” This is rather romantic. Again, this highlights that what you say has different meanings to different listeners. In fact, you even said it yourself "ESPECIALLY when you're not in an official relationship per se!!" . You're essentially highlighting an example of exception.

Lastly, about admitting that you are jealous topic. When a girl admits that they are jealous to you because of you, how do you feel? I find the person rather cute. Just make sure, when you admit that you are jealous, don't act all needy, insecure, or negative.
So if you're rich and good looking you're more likely to get away with needy behavioir? Yeah I'd agree with that, as you're also probably more likely to get away with cheating. I'm not really sure how this helps the topic poster though.

I'm not really sure why anyone would chose to say "need", I mean surely "love" is suitible enough in such situations. However in the case of the topic starter I'd say that "love" is not suitable, and therefore "need" really doesn't apply here.

Telling someone who you like but aren't in a relationship with that you need them after falling out over a jealous outburst doesn't sound like the best idea to me.

Quote:
hosta wrote:
Jelousy is a females trait big time!

Well, that is pretty sexist.
Quote:
girls tend to value their relationships with people more
Kettle, meet pot.
Author:  openMinded [ Wed Jun 09, 2010 10:47 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
I'm glad you didn't follow that first advice, I agree with you in that neediness is an attraction killer, absolutely. Saying you "need" somebody in your life is needy, the clue's in the word "need". ESPECIALLY when you're not in an official relationship per se!!
I agree with you that neediness is an attraction killer too, but I have to disagree that saying to someone that you need them always make you appear needy. Saying to someone that you need them in their life does not always make you appear needy. It depends on who’s saying it, how he is saying it, who he is saying it to, and lastly, the context in which he says it in. For instance, this example might be extreme, but note the effects. A guy, confident, independent, admirable, wealthy, has the looks, have girls chasing him all the time, power, success, and basically everything perfect for him. When such a guy tells a girl that, what might the girl think? Of course, not everyone is as lucky and perfect as this guy, but my point is that it doesn’t always make you appear needy from saying such things. There are exceptions. You just have to realize them.

Just make sure when you say “I really need you in my life.” Say the part, but don’t act the desperate and needy part and you will be ok.

Also, the phrase “I really need you in my life” actually doesn’t mean what you think it means to a girl. To a girl, what it means is that you are saying “You are important to me, and I want you in my life.” This is rather romantic. Again, this highlights that what you say has different meanings to different listeners. In fact, you even said it yourself "ESPECIALLY when you're not in an official relationship per se!!" . You're essentially highlighting an example of exception.

Lastly, about admitting that you are jealous topic. When a girl admits that they are jealous to you because of you, how do you feel? I find the person rather cute. Just make sure, when you admit that you are jealous, don't act all needy, insecure, or negative.
So if you're rich and good looking you're more likely to get away with needy behavioir? Yeah I'd agree with that, as you're also probably more likely to get away with cheating. I'm not really sure how this helps the topic poster though.

I'm not really sure why anyone would chose to say "need", I mean surely "love" is suitible enough in such situations. However in the case of the topic starter I'd say that "love" is not suitable, and therefore "need" really doesn't apply here.

Telling someone who you like but aren't in a relationship with that you need them after falling out over a jealous outburst doesn't sound like the best idea to me.

Quote:
hosta wrote:
Jelousy is a females trait big time!

Well, that is pretty sexist.
Quote:
girls tend to value their relationships with people more
Kettle, meet pot.
I would suppose that when I ask a question, I would naturally like to get answers for both sides of an argument, because then will I be able to decide more accurately.

Well, I think it is good to say "I need you" in this situation, because it will be touching to the girl and that is exactly what you want when apologizing.
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