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Lover vs. Provider balance in a long-term relationship
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Author:  Royalty [ Tue Mar 16, 2010 5:39 am ]
Post subject:  Lover vs. Provider balance in a long-term relationship
Back in the day, as a needy AFC (many of you can relate), I used to try to "get" a girl by (unconsciously) being both lover and provider, mostly provider. In the past year and change of transformation, I have more than reversed that and got the "lover" role down pretty well.

As I got into a relationship, I started to realize (after making lots of mistakes) that I needed to shift from trying to be a pua to just being her boyfriend. Well essentially, after 7 months, my girlfriend and I just broke up because I still wasn't being enough "provider" ... I was more than enough "lover" but just didn't find the time in my busy schedule to be there for her, especially on tough days. We live 40 min away, could only see each other for a couple hours at a time during the week, but had most weekends free and talked at least once or twice a day.

Guess I'm just asking you to share your experiences and opinions on how to balance the lover and provider roles in an exclusive, long-term relationship. I erred too much on one side because I didn't want to fall into that boring and predictable role of being stable with no passion (like her last relationship). It's really hard to lose this girl, but I hope that a lot of people can learn something from this thread
Author:  WitandFun [ Tue Mar 16, 2010 11:29 am ]
Post subject: 
Good post, but i think being aware of the possibility of slipping into the "boring" passionless" role is half the battle, and helps you to avoid it. Ive been with my gf for 7 months and we talk alot about our relationship and feelings, it helps so we know what eachother wants n needs in the relationship. I got her through using pua methods but for the relationship to work ive had to be the "loving" (needy?) guy at times, but other times i will put my foot down or just let her know im still the cool swagger guy she met. Just gotta balance it, im in a different situation than you because i see my gf quite regular, but would still work if we had every weekend i think.


Side note: One thing she says keeps the spark is that when we are out in public or wotever i will be her bf i will hold her hand etc etc, but i wont be over affectionate like hugging her and lunging in for kisses all the time (or one of those guys whos croch is like a magnet stuck to their gfs ass and arms wrapped round them trying to walk together). Ok so when we are at home or in the bedroom im complete opposite the most affectionate guy ever. I dunno what this is but she says its like im unattainable in public (not wraped round her finger etc etc) and she loves this, but also likes the attention she receives behind closed doors. So i think this helps my relationship abit.

Soz if i went off topic abit.
Author:  zige [ Tue Mar 16, 2010 11:35 am ]
Post subject: 
When it comes to being a provider, I think it's most important to listen. Don't judge, don't comment, just listen. After a few months a real trust starts to develop and she's going to want to invest herself in you. She might reveal trauma and baggage from her past, tell you about having a bad day etc.. I think judging is the biggest no-no when it comes to this kind of thing.

If you need to offer an opinion, make sure you say how you feel, and state with confidence you're opinion. Don't say things like "you should." Relate to her by saying "I had something like that happen to me" etc.

Being there for someone should not have to happen all the time. If she has to unload on you more than once a week, that's probabbly a problem, and is not really your fault. I'd find it unacceptable and tiring. I know I've gotten upset and drawn the line before with mostly OK results.

I'm learning to try my hardest to be there in the right way when she needs me. I think you have to fight any underlying negative opinions you have of your GF when she needs you. They can poison these interactions.

This is all just my opinion of course. I'm no expert and dealing with some rough waters 7 months into my own relationship.

IF you've got the love part down I won't address that. :-)
Author:  870 [ Tue Mar 16, 2010 10:41 pm ]
Post subject: 
The most helpful thing you can do at this point is stop viewing the two as mutually exclusive.

Relationships will always require a continually-increasing level of investment.

Also, stability's not boring ;)

Your boy,
870
Author:  Royalty [ Wed Mar 17, 2010 8:28 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
When it comes to being a provider, I think it's most important to listen. Don't judge, don't comment, just listen. After a few months a real trust starts to develop and she's going to want to invest herself in you. She might reveal trauma and baggage from her past, tell you about having a bad day etc.. I think judging is the biggest no-no when it comes to this kind of thing.

If you need to offer an opinion, make sure you say how you feel, and state with confidence you're opinion. Don't say things like "you should." Relate to her by saying "I had something like that happen to me" etc.
Thanks, man. Great advice. In fact, she has told me this sort of thing (she just wants me to really listen, not try to help or give advice), and I've gotten better (though not perfect) at doing it and not falling back on those old habits. Recently, it's been a matter of not making time.
Quote:
Being there for someone should not have to happen all the time. If she has to unload on you more than once a week, that's probabbly a problem, and is not really your fault. I know I've gotten upset and drawn the line before with mostly OK results.
There is a problem, and it's not my fault. And frankly she may not be in the right emotional state for this to work out, because of other things going on in her life. But so far I've felt that the positive aspects outweigh the challenges of the relationship. Drawing the line is a good reminder to be decisive and not over-analyze and react to things. Might be too late for that this time, but will remember in the future.



Quote:
we talk alot about our relationship and feelings, it helps so we know what eachother wants n needs in the relationship
This is key... and both of us (her and I) could be better at it. Thanks, man.


Quote:
The most helpful thing you can do at this point is stop viewing the two as mutually exclusive.
I'd like to think that I don't, but need to make sure that this resonates on an unconscious level, as well. Thanks, dude.
Quote:
Also, stability's not boring
100% agree... as long as one doesn't make it boring. Her ex would always be home, took care of her human needs but ignored her romantic/sexual needs, didn't have a social life, stayed home while she went out and had fun (and met me). That's full blast on one gauge and zero on the other.

So how do we keep stability from getting boring? One answer I got is to see each other on a regular schedule but do exciting things. Another is to mix it up and be totally unexpected/mysterious once in a while. Other suggestions are more than welcome
Author:  WitandFun [ Thu Mar 18, 2010 12:39 pm ]
Post subject: 
Change the days of the week you see eachother if you can ? like on a mon tues one week and a thurs friday another. Then you will feel the distance and increase attraction.

Me n my girl still "date" haha, so like once a week we will go out on a "date" this definately increases our closeness and keeps things exciting like they always are in the early stages and "dating days".


:) happy to help
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