Quote:
Zip wrote:
What is your advice for a woman in a LTR?
How does she keep it interesting when most of the "mystery" is gone? I know she can mix it up, switch around their sex life, make it special, etc... but how does she keep him intrigued while keeping the relationship healthy?
Also...
I recently got a facebook message form an ex of mine from early-early high school. I broke his heart in the worst way, and he cut off communication until two days ago. I wake up and BAM! he's friended me on facebook. What does that mean?
Thanks, o relationship guru.
If you are getting bored in your relationship, does that change how you feel about him? Probably not.
However, note what I posted before:
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"Basically, what that means is the more you "mix it up," the less routine there is, and the further the two of you will progress.
Too much routine and the existence of "over-comfort" will make things Hum-Drum. For a lot of people in today's society, there is already enough 'hum-drum' in their lives. They don't want any more. A lot of people who quickly find boredom in their relationships won't stick with it."
is a very true statement. If not confronted, it could possibly be the end of a relationship. A lack of interest is an extremely strong force.
There are obvious phases of a relationship; one that I have heard mentioned before is the 'honeymoon phase.' After the initial creation of the relationship, things might start to become a little more laxed. This is okay. You have gotten to know the person, the person has gotten to know you. You're in each others core. You have reached the stage of a relationship where it is now the progression of two people together -- not two people coming together. You are sharing the present, and creating a future.
Think about your life. Is every moment exciting? I don't care how much fun you have, at intervals I have no doubt you find yourself bored. Now bring another person into that. There is not really much difference. There will always be down time, it is expected. Don't mistake down time with boredom though, it is a prevalent factor and there are times where relationships do becoming boring, or start to become stale. However, the KEY (what many people miss) is to ensure that this boredom is not destructive; to make it temporary. You both have to cut off the current path and re-direct things.
If something is becoming boring, I doubt that only you feel that way. Now is a perfect time to reflect on the bond you two share. Why are things getting boring? Is it because you are in a bad mood? Is it because the two of you are not doing anything anymore? Is it because you two are spending too much time together? Is it because they have changed from the person you knew them to be?
You must first peg the reason YOU are becoming bored. It is your emotion - therefore your responsibility to understand and dissect.
After you have addressed the source of these feelings, guess what? Yes...yes....yes...my single preached piece of advice - communicate! They are your significant other; and at this point in the relationship (when things are boring) you two should be close enough to grow together, and share the problem solving.
I can't promise that these will work -- they might, or might not. But if the you sincerely want to change the relationships direction, then it won't take much work to figure out how to fix it. It is all about motivation to change. And that motivation is simple to find - all you have to do is cover up the daily tracks and make new ones.
The real problem only comes if, after following this advice, things still feel like an obligation.
(disclaimer: some of these will sound corny)
-Don't just take the common interests you have together and use them as a gauge to how you two "work."
Use them and pursue them.
-Set up a sliding date night. Every week you have a date night, but put it on a rotating schedule so that you are not going out the same night each week. Dates could be anything, but make sure they are not always the same. There is nothing wrong with dinner and a movie, just don't force the two of you through that every week. Scatter Ideas.
-Be spontaneous (easy to say, hard to think of ways) Don't be too spontaneous, because then spontaneity becomes the norm. Examples include - doing whatever comes to me at the spur of the moment. Free up time from your palm pilots and go somewhere you have never been. Get excited and break a routine for a hot minute
-Learn to communicate, about anything! It not only fills dead air, but it can also lead to things you never knew, fun games, or interesting ideas.
-Sit down and think of a hobby that neither of you have ever done but would be interested in doing together. Then go do it! Stick with it. Once you start, you will have another common bond - and one that was generated from the result of your being together. Very powerful!
-Plan mini inexpensive trips to different destinations
-Have a big vacation planned
-Hop in the car and take a road trip. Go anywhere. Or make it crazy and don't decide until you are on the road.
-Obvious one: spice up the bedroom play. Buy lingerie, buy toys, try new things. An amazing woman once told me that I would be surprised how far people are willing to go; they just don't know it yet.
-Join an active social gathering together
-Go out with groups of people
-Make sure that you always maintain interests outside the relationship. Not to be distant, but so you can have "that place" that everyone needs. Time to yourself; sometimes that is all that IS needed.
-Surprise each other with inexpensive but thoughtful gifts.
-Start going to the gym together; getting in shape is awesome, and there is always more motivation to do it when competing with your significant other.
-Start taking any sort of "lessons" together. Dancing, Singing, Martial Arts, Pilates, Yoga, whatever.
-Confront him/her and find out one of their passions; something they like to do, but you never got into. Start doing it with him/her. In return, ask that they start doing something you like to do as well. Example: he likes poetry, but you think it is boring. TAKE HIM to poetry nights. Then have him take you to pottery workshops (because you like pottery, but he hates clay under his nails). By doing this, you are challenging the other person, but also keeping things fresh.
Remember, your significant other is your friend first off. And friends have fun. Through communication, dedication, and a little creativity you would be surprised at fun easy it is to maintain the friendship along with the rest.
now, as for your former boyfriend....just tell Hobbit. He'll go beat him up! :p
But no. It all depends. Maybe he had a dream about you and triggered his curiosity about where you were in life. Maybe he was drunk and got nostalgic. He could have just been thinking about the past and how much of an awesome person you were; wanting to bring you back into (italics)his life.
There are many, many reasons why someone would try to reinitiate an old bond (out of the blue) with another. Just remember that no one is without motive. He has a reason. If it piques your interest to the point of focusing on that, why not ask him? He may just say that he wants to stare at your pictures. Hell, it is possible that he could even want to just tell you that he forgives you for breaking his heart.
What should you do? Talk to him, see whats going on in his life. Find out his intentions, and then you have to decide from there. And if he doesn't want to share his intentions, then I would proceed cautiously
