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Analysis of my Situation
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Author:  The_Prophet [ Fri Jan 01, 2010 6:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Analysis of my Situation
Ok guys, I'm quote to post here my conversation with a friend of mine. He's a bit AFC, but this isn't about him and his advice, it's about what I was typing and my analysis of my own situation. This analysis has come from a combination of what I think, and what I've been told over the past couple of days by some great people (Chief, Hobbit, kasabi, Zac Lui, guys the in the Chat Room).

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Me:
Quote:
Since the beginning with <GF>, I knew things would be tough and I'd 100% have to be at my best to keep her interested.
She's hot, she's got guys all over her, she's got a lot of experience in Relationships.
If I was a guy looking in at the situation, I'd have told Me never to get involved as a rebound guy.
I'd have said "Dude, look at her history, she gets with guys for a bit of fun then goes cold on them after a month or two. Do you want that ?"
Like I said, I didn't follow my own advice.
So, things are great, me and <GF> have a lot of fun together, right ? She says she loves me, I love her, I stay at her place one night (stuff happens but we don't go the full way).
Then bam, she goes cold for a couple of days.
I revive the situation, play it cool, make things fun again like I did before.
She bails on me for New Years
Then finds excuses for me not to stay at hers this Saturday, although I'm still gonna go to her parent's party because I've had an invite and it'd be rude not to.
Basically - she's lost her attraction for me.
Why ?
Because the reasons she was attracted to me have gone - she's no longer going through a tough breakup, therefore I'm no longer her comfort/safety net.
I let myself become emotionally attached
To the extent when I let her have too much control in the relationship
You give a girl control, you lose attraction instantly. Don't ask me why, you just do.
Once attraction is gone, it's about 10000% harder to get it back than it is to attract a new girl.
Basically.
<GF> no longer really wants the Relationship, which means it's not fun anymore, which means I don't want it either, and we'll probably breakup.
Friend:
Quote:
Has she told you in words that she doesnt want to be in a relationship?
Me:
Quote:
She doesn't have to.
Friend:
Quote:
yeah but you could be going a bit ahead of yourself thinking of what bad could happen when its not the situation at all ..not giving you false hope or nothing
but like you said to me you have to keep to the positives and unless shes actually stated that she doesnt want you, then i think its best to keep going.
Me:
Quote:
Don't get me wrong.
I'm not going to break up with her today.
And I am going to go to the party tomorrow night and try and have some fun again.
Because tbh - the problems have literally been between the last time I saw her & now.
So considering we haven't actually seen each other, you'd logically think that that's why she's lost attraction.
Right I'll give you two perspectives.
Guy - Haven't actually spent time with her, I can't evoke the same emotions in her when I'm talking to her on MSN. When we get back to seeing each other, logically, the attractiveness will come back.
Girl - He no longer attracts me. To girls, it doesn't fucking matter - person, phone, text, MSN. If you stop evoking the attraction in her, then it doesn't matter if you change communication method, it's still 10000% harder to win it back.
That's what has happened here.
I wasn't able to attract her as much because I haven't been able to see her - I'm sooo much better in person with her.
But she won't see it logically like that, girls see things emotionally.
Friend:
Quote:
yeah that is true .. however if you appear to be making an effort to see her then she should think that you are fighting to keep her emotions and attention
Me:
Quote:
A guy shouldn't have to fight. If he's fighting to attract, he'll lose. Always.
You see that I'm making an effort, because you're a guy and you see things logically.
She is a girl, and will not.
Me (still):
Quote:
So you see why I'm a bit 'Meh' then.
Tbh, because I've seen it coming for a long time.
I'm not crying my eyes out.
Trust me, it hurts, I love her. Well, I love the feeling she CAN give me, when she wants to - and that's the unhealthy bit.
Friend:
Quote:
yeah i can see why ..and well you handle it better then me .. i wouldnt say id cry but id be pretty peeved tho however you have got tomo and in no doubt you will see her and in that you could talk to her and find out whats going on
Me:
Quote:
Yea, if I don't get 'un-invited' suddenly first. I'm going to text her just to say I'll be there because it'd be rude not to considering I was invited.
And we'll see what happens. At least you know the situation anyway, and won't be so shocked if it happens. If I'm honest, I'd like to stay friends with her, keep things social/civil, maybe still hang out at lunch/break here and then. I've never got to the stage with her that I've been able to open up anyway, she's not that kinda girl.

If you stayed and read all of that, then I thank you. What do you think, this is a free discussion, go nuts.

Prophet
Author:  The_Prophet [ Fri Jan 01, 2010 7:00 pm ]
Post subject: 
Further analysis :

Friend:
Quote:
yeah id think it would be a shame that if the worst did happen which i hope doesnt, that suddenly she just cuts you off .. thats just disrespectful and uncalled for
Me:
Quote:
She won't cut me off, because I won't attempt to contact her. I'm not going to do what Ryan did: "Oh please Charlotte you're my everything." Because she's not Yes, I fell in love with her, because of the feeling she gave me. But guess what - any girl can do that, I'll just go find one who's more compatible and isn't on a rebound.
Because at the end of the day, that was my mistake. The rebound, it gave her a false picture of me. Hey, we clearly got along, so without the rebound stuff might have happened anyway, but because I'm not AS GOOD as her dillusional 'rebound' perspective made me out to be, then she's lost attraction.
It's like, I went in as a 10/10 and now I'm only an 8/10. Under normal circumstances an 8/10 would be great, but because I was '10' to start with, she's lost attraction.
Obviously I don't think of myself as any less than a 10 :lol: That'd be stupid. But you get my point.
Oh, and I need help constructing this text just to confirm I'm going tomorrow night. Thinking of basically: "Hey, just to say I'll be coming over for the party tomorrow, because it'd be rude not to after being invited :). Have a good evening xx"

Am I way over-reading into my situation or what ?
Author:  Right [ Fri Jan 01, 2010 7:22 pm ]
Post subject: 
Bro, I am in the same situation, but of course you are older and more mature situation.

As i see it, you and i are both chill cool guys with good stories and ability to communicate as you have shown above. You are fun, I am fun. We both met great girls for us, but then suddenly lost attraction. wtf right?

We (my ex and i) were great during school, because im a great (cocky&funny (; ) and shes a HB9 (at least the attitude & skill of one). But break started, and she had family time to tend to, as well as I. Then she gave me some BS about how im too good for her which means she lost attraction - why? because i was always there when she needed me. We said we'd meet up to buy a tie (for a dance coming up) and to hang out. but she flaked 3 times saying parents wouldnt let her or she made plans with girlfriends. and each time, i was like thats fine, i got to hang with my friends to. but I guess i was too chill, too adapting, and it seemed like i would jump the first chance to hang out with her. once i even canceled a big meet up with one of my old friends to be with her because i havent seen her all break. To a point I was too much attached, but i did lay back, keep my cool, hang with friends.

To reroute back to Your situation: the attraction is lost. and getting it back is a bitch :S but trust me you can do it, but you have to be strong. She isnt interested anymore, and holding you as "boyfriend" status until a better reason to leave. Freeze her out, and go out. Drop the "well it would be rude if i dont come" but AS SOON AS SHE drops a hint of "its ok if you dont come" - SAY "ALRIGHT COOL IMMA HANG WITH MY FRIENDS THEN. TELL YOUR PARENTS TO HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR" dont ask "hey can you tell your parents to have a happy new year anyway?" asking is bad in this situation. get control back. even if she says "no, i wont...." just be like aighttt cool peace out.
because you know what she is thinking? "oh my god he is just using my parents invite as an excuse to see me...just leave me alone!"

trust me dude. i finally met up with the girl to buy the tie and hang out, but she was cold as fuck. almost like "ok what store is it at? lets go..." we didnt even hug or touch or anything, she was with her friends whom i entertained very well and kept my composure. you have to surprise her! be unpredictable like you used to be! she is thinking "wow hes coming over just to see me but using parents as advice" OR "hes gonna get mad and explode one of these days, i mean ive been so cold" (she knows what she is doing!)

you have to make her think "what? so youre not coming...? okay i guess..." or "what? youre not mad yet? why isnt he mad??"

freeze her out, let her do her thing, you do yours.
you have advantage that i dont have which is youre still in the relationship.
I had to see my girl AFTER we broke up.
and we're still going to the dance together, so i have 1 week to get her attracted agian. and i will, ive done it before, and i can do it agian - better.
(and even if i cant - i have to tell myself that i can and take a risk)

whatever you do, dont go AFC, dont cry to her, "why are you doing this to me??? boohoohooo" maintain composure. show her that you chose her, but you dont need her.

because right now she is thinking, he needs me, im so bored, i want a man who can make me work for it. it seems too chill right now.

and sorry if this is the complete wrong way and has no relation to your problem.
but thats my 2 cents.
too nice = no attraction
attraction = choice, not need
freeze out = showing you can live without her for a couple of days.

good luck.
Author:  The_Prophet [ Sat Jan 02, 2010 6:14 pm ]
Post subject: 
Ok so I'm suppose to be going to her parent's party tonight.

Funnily enough I get an 'unexpected' call about 3/4 hours prior to the event, with her coming up with some lame excuse "I'm one of the hosts tonight and I'll have to be talking to everybody. It'd be no fun for you if you came."

I didn't go AFC, but I was honest. I said how I was going because I always honour an invite I receive anyway and that I'd be fine with just seeing her for 5 minutes anyway, I'd talk to the other people there and enjoy myself.

I knew from the outset she wasn't gonna budge on her opinion, I tried everything - tried to talk emotionally instead of logically, telling her how I was gonna come and have a good time and make her feel more relaxed, that there was no pressure on her to talk to me and that by me coming she'd have a better time.

I effectively called her out on her shit excuse and everytime I managed to work my way around her, she just said "You're not listening to me."

In the end I knew I was going to have to not go, even though I actually did want to. I'm not going and causing a scene though, that's just retarded and I know when I'm not wanted.

Then she says she wants to meet up Monday, which in the end turned out to be bollax and she just said it as a way to ease me into the idea of not going tonight.

Upto this point, things look even worse, right ? Like the shit has really hit the fan and we might as well split up.

------------------------------------

But then we carried on talking, spoke about other things, had a laugh. She said that she doesn't know why I'm worrying about the fact I haven't seen her for weeks and the fact she's bailed on NYE, tonight and now Monday. She said that even if she didn't see me for a month she'd still feel the same way and that she really likes me.

She was being genuine here, that's how she actually felt IN THAT MOMENT. However, when we've spoken on phone/via text/via MSN for the past couple of days, does someone wanna tell me why she didn't display those same feelings ? Exactly, cause I'd lost attraction, despite her effectively saying her feelings haven't changed.

However, the conversation very much ended on a high, I teased her a little about stuff, then said I'd just got a text with something else I could do tonight. She was obviously asking what it was, I just said "Nah not telling, you'll get jealous." Then she said "Oh speaking of which you know I said I would be jealous of your (new) phone ... well yea I am :lol:". After refusing again to tell her where I was going (which was no-where btw, I lied.) she said playfully "Fine I give up, I gotta go get dressed." I then teased her about that being a poor way to say goodbye and we joked about the fact it'd been a while since we'd said the three magic words, and she said that obviously she couldn't say them now because I was expecting them, but she said "But I do" to which I replied "I know ;)".

At the end of the conversation, yea, she said it properly, and I replied as well. She said "You better send me a long text tonight considering you now have free texts!" To which I ofc said "Not gonna happen, I'll be too drunk most likely." Her: "Oh haha again? Anyway I have to go." Me: "Okay" Her: "I love you" Me: "I love you too." End of conversation.

I then told her to get a hold of me tomorrow after work (evening time).

Plan of Action

I'm thinking I should Ignore All Contact till then, and maybe even ignore that as well ? Total freeze-out till I see her Tuesday morning ? Freeze-out till Monday morning and invite her out to town with me (I'm most likely gonna go anyway) ? Or just talk to her tomorrow when she calls and continue the positive vibe that tonight ended with ?

I can't help but feel like I've been played - she got what she wanted afterall, and she's still in control. But yet, for the first time in ages we had a really good conversation and I actually feel good. So I'm going to take this good feeling and enjoy myself. Good evening all :)
Author:  sinsitive [ Sat Jan 02, 2010 6:25 pm ]
Post subject: 
So you kinda did listen to the make her jealous advice, nice on ya! I find the whole story a bit strange like she IS hiding something.. but on the other hand let's just wait and see what happends.

In the meanwhile just go out and have some fun. Meet other girls etc.
Don't cheat, just have genuine fun like you'd have with mates.

Good luck!
Author:  arcteryx [ Sat Jan 02, 2010 11:59 pm ]
Post subject: 
I would freeze her out for a bit, don't reject all her calls, but let a few days pass before you reply/hangout. It seems like things are on the right track, she said the right things, but who knows..to me it feels like she is still up to something.

My best advice is to play it conservatively and don't be surprised if she bails again
Author:  Herne [ Sun Jan 03, 2010 12:18 am ]
Post subject: 
Maybe you should Bail on her--
1 Bail from her=2 Bail out from you---you should make your excuses sound suspicious too--like you have met someone else---
Author:  ConspiracyTheory [ Mon Jan 04, 2010 4:47 am ]
Post subject: 
she is playing games here, call her out on it and get control or drop her like a bad habit. sorry but if a girl tells you she loves you then she shouldn't be bailing on you for NYE without a really damn good reason.
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