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Hold 'em or fold 'em? Need a alpha's perspective
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Author:  steelers09 [ Mon Nov 30, 2009 7:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Hold 'em or fold 'em? Need a alpha's perspective
Long time reader, first time poster. I apologize for the long post, but I really need some input on this one.

I am in a bit of a emotional/psychological predicament with my relationship. I met my current girlfriend about a year and half ago. We lived together for most of our relationship, but due to extenuating circumstances, we were force to live quite far away from each other this past August.

Prior to then, I had most of the control in the relationship. She depended on my for everything, and honestly, I sometimes abused this. She cried frequently, but would always end up saying I was right and she was wrong. Despite me always asking her if I she was happy/if I should change/etc., she reassured me that all was fine and that she loved me.

So for the first month of our separation, I did not do a very good job of keeping in touch. We talked frequently, but I was rarely friendly and expressed unhappiness with the relationship. But one weekend about a month into it, I was extremely busy and did not call her. She called me and said she couldn't do this.

At first she phrased it as a break-up. Then she said she needed a break. All the while saying it wasn't me, but her. She needed to "grow" and become dependent. Fair enough. We agreed to disclose anything we did with other people. A week into our break, I asked her if she had done anything. She said no. Personally, I was relieved because I had been to emotionally leveled by the girl who was essentially obssessed with me calling it off that I was in no position to do anything with other women. It was not a break for me. So, two weeks in we got to see each other in person.

Then came the whopper - she told me she had made out with a guy 3 days into the break. She said she was drunk, regretted it, etc. She also said she felt she needed the break because I had treated her like shit for so long. Finally, she said that doing this reassured her that she loved me.

We've been together since. But here's the problem - I can't decide if I am alright with what happened. She took a drastic measure without ever letting me know anything was wrong, made out with another guy while I was still emotionally crippled, and then lied about it.

Every time I bring it up, she gets angry. But, I need to bring it up. I need to know that I can trust her, and honestly, I have no idea if I can in light of all this. Clearly, her calling it off, doing something so soon after the break, and then lying about it hurt immensely. On the other hand, she said it helped her realize how she felt.

What do you guys think? Am I a fool if I trust her? Should I take this as a sign and try to move on? I have never been so confused about how I feel.

Any input would be appreciated. Thanks in advance
Author:  dark one [ Mon Nov 30, 2009 8:14 pm ]
Post subject: 
No matter how many excusses she makes about what she did "you didnt treat me well" "I was seeing If I still loved you" ect ect...It doesnt matter she was still wrong and you need to let her know that! she is 100% at blame so should you have treated her better? perhaps but that doesnt matter she still messed up....no one was keeping her in the relationship? shes a grown women she could have left at any time so her kissing another guy is unacceptable and she need to know that.

You want control? well then start standing up for your self...dont be a dick, dont raise your voice, be calm and tell her she is in the wrong.

Women want a man. Women dont want a bad boy, they dont want a nice guy, they want a man. Men lead, men stand for what they beleve in, men dont care what people think about them, men make women feel like women, men are calm even when shit hits that fan...see what Im saying? be a man and stand up to her in a calm manner...tell her what on your mind and ask her what on hers.

If you are meant to be togeather and love each other then talk it out and dont play head games with each other...the minute she starts playing games with you call her out, tell her she better stop her games or your done.

Hope I could help man
Author:  dark one [ Mon Nov 30, 2009 8:20 pm ]
Post subject: 
P.s Their are 3.3 billion women in the world...will it work with your gf and you? perhaps and I hope you two can work it out and be happy but If not theres plenty of selection and Im sure you can find a women who treats you with respect. Never let a women make a fool of you, walk over you, or treat you poorly...In the end only you will know if you should be with her or not, but think with your head not your balls, not your heart, think with your brain lol it will lead you to were you need to be.
Author:  steelers09 [ Mon Nov 30, 2009 11:24 pm ]
Post subject: 
Just to be clear, she did do this during a break. I don't consider it cheating, and she came immediately back to me.

Is she still in the wrong? I really need more perspectives on this. It's been eating at me for months.

I would also like to add a little more background information. Basically, I made her cry 4-5 times a week, sometimes multiple times a day. She stuck around despite this.

So confused...
Author:  _Lothario_ [ Mon Nov 30, 2009 11:46 pm ]
Post subject: 
Lying is always wrong, but who cares. You were on a break. She DID tell you. It was a drunk makeout. Don't sweat it. Stop bringing it up. It only shows how insecure you are with yourself when you do. Stop making the girl cry. Worry about what YOU are doing wrong.
Author:  Mindwarp [ Mon Nov 30, 2009 11:50 pm ]
Post subject: 
I had a similar problem as this once, when I was a teenager, so I'm guessing you're young. So forgive the harshness of my post, but I'm going to just speak from my personal experience and let you take from it what you will.

First thing is that if you were making her feel this way this many times a week, you deserve whatever she did while on this "break". Not to place any doubts in your head that do not exist, however I would guess that you're not really worried that she made out (Since that's not really a big deal especially months after the fact), but that you suspect on some level she outright cheated on you. Most girls do this on these kinds of breaks when in a bad relationship. They go bang some guy who is interested in them to feel loved and then tell their boyfriends they just "made out" and are apologetic. I have had it happen to me when I was younger before I knew how to communicate and treat women well, and I have been that guy that girls go to when they reach the boiling point in their relationship, and I have had friends who are girls and watched them lie to their boyfriends face because I know the guy that they had slept with.

Another thing is to ask yourself if you would have done anything different if you were her? She just wants to feel good, feel loved, as do you. If your girlfriend repeatedly mistreated you, but you had emotional problems and felt unable to just leave her, eventually you would turn to this age old solution in the arena of committed relationships gone awry, you would start entertaining the idea of cheating on her. This happens all the time, from relationships that last a year or two, to 15 year marriages, and with both sexes.

If your still having problems then I suggest you take more than a break, break up as cordially as possible then have an IRON WILL about not getting back together in the foreseeable future. Take at least a good 6 months away from each other. This will help you collect your thoughts more than you know, and if you really care, this time of introspection on what went wrong will help you gain a new perspective on yourself and relationships in general. It will help her grow as well. Relationships can stagnate, and it gets ugly. If you are meant to be together, a second shot may be in line in the future, but if not, by then, you will be over each other and with new people.

If your not having problems then I suggest you learn to live with what you've done, accept it as your punishment for mistreating a girl you care about, and figure out how your going to prevent that from happening to you again. It may happen again, people are sexual, some women are just cheaters as are some men. But if it does, at least you will have tried the second time around. Forgive her because honestly its like starving someone when your supposed to be the sole provider of their food, then being mad cause you learn that they went to the neighbors and got fed there.
Author:  steelers09 [ Tue Dec 01, 2009 2:24 am ]
Post subject: 
Thanks for all the input. It's amazing to see how differently different guys view the situation. I had originally talked to two close male friends about this, and one basically said get over it, the other said she fucked up big time.

Mindwrap, I definitely see where you are coming from. I do suspect more, but at the same time, I am fairly confident this isn't the case.

But honestly, just her having made out with another guy is difficult for me. In part due to how soon it happened, and in part due to the break making me realize how terrible I am at picking up girls.

I am basically at a crossroads. This is the second girl I have slept with, and I feel as though her doing something during the break and me doing nothing woke me up to how much more experienced she is than me. I feel the need to develop my pickup skills (if nothing else, for confidence reasons), yet don't know if doing this is worth risking my relationship.

Frankly, my pride was insulted when my girlfriend so easily and quickly got with another guy (albeit just a kiss close, haha). Basically, I am jealous (and afraid) that she can do this and I can't. What do you think?

Has anyone been in a similar situation?
Author:  Bimm3r [ Tue Dec 01, 2009 11:42 am ]
Post subject: 
i agree so much with the dark one.. also a bit with mindwarp..

Just wanna add:

If you tried to build your relationship on fear... by mistreating her, making her fear to loose you.. Well you got what you deserved.. (SO MANY guys do this)
Perhaps you were so afraid to loose her, that you thought being a dick was the only option? Well.. it's sad that you had to go this far before you learned it..

Build your relationship and love, and being alpha... you will be the only one that makes her feel good, no man in this world can make her feel as good as you do.. and so, she will stay with you forever...

Is it too late to change? No... Talk about it with her, say she shouldnt have done what she did, and you shouldnt have dont what you did.. communicate, find a solution.. Long break like mindwarp said? Well you decide.. Or just start being the loving alpha man? You decide.. But listen to what she got to say first.. Then make a decision..

We can't make the decision for you.. After communicating, and having the right mindset.. You will know what to do with her
Author:  steelers09 [ Tue Dec 01, 2009 8:44 pm ]
Post subject: 
Bimm3r,

Thanks for commenting.

But, I am a little confused about what you're saying. Do you think what she did was wrong or not? You say I deserved it, but then you also seem to agree with Dark One in that she was wrong. Could you elaborate on that?

I definitely built it on fear, and I'm starting to feel as if I deserved it.
Author:  Bimm3r [ Wed Dec 02, 2009 11:22 am ]
Post subject: 
okay now that i read the dark one's post, i dont totally agree with him..

but that she did something wrong yes, although i think she acted in panic..
Perhaps somehow to get revenge on you... i dont know..

But she had to "break free from the chains" if you know what i mean..

Now, it looks like she still want you? eventhough she is free to go...
So, do you want her too ?

Then talk about it with her, try not to be such an asshole..

Who knows, when she sees you are not an asshole, perhaps she falls in love with you, or she dumps you.. if she dumps you, then she aint worth it
Author:  Wackjacko2001 [ Fri Dec 04, 2009 6:50 pm ]
Post subject: 
Just my two cents.

Ive been in a similar situation.

Im not trying to be the one to throw rain on the parade or get your mind worried...but first, you've got to wonder what she really did. She says she just kissed the guy when she was drunk. Is that all she really did? I know plenty of instances where women down-play their indiscretions. I have no doubt that she had some kind of incident or a few incidents with some guy and realized he was probably a loser or beta. My guess is she met this guy before she announced the break and announced the break to explore this guy further. She realized he was a beta loser and then, clung to you. That's my two cents.

Asking her about it, will accomplish absolutely nothing. She will never be explicit about it and will want to avoid the topic. Also, you are just making yourself look weak/insecure. In other words, you are going to give her the upper-hand and more reason to walk away/cheat.

The question is should you continue with someone would do such a thing, even on a break?

Personally, my answer is : no. Her behavior demonstates a lack of willpower and she has crossed a line. She got with someone way to quick. He had to have been there already is my guess. I realize you were on a break but it was one she intiated. I wouldnt be able to trust her.
Author:  steelers09 [ Fri Dec 04, 2009 8:03 pm ]
Post subject: 
I'm pretty confident it was just a one-time deal. The guy was a friend of one of her friends, and I have confirmation of this. In fact, said friend actually got my gf to leave the party while she was making out with him because she(the friend) thought he wasn't attractive haha.
Author:  Wackjacko2001 [ Fri Dec 04, 2009 9:27 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
I'm pretty confident it was just a one-time deal. The guy was a friend of one of her friends, and I have confirmation of this. In fact, said friend actually got my gf to leave the party while she was making out with him because she(the friend) thought he wasn't attractive haha.
Well, that's good. It bodes better then for staying with her. I still stay: Proceed with caution
Author:  steelers09 [ Tue Dec 08, 2009 1:40 am ]
Post subject: 
Bump for any new input. I hope I can reach some conclusions on this sometime soon.
Author:  gabzlora21 [ Tue Dec 08, 2009 2:19 am ]
Post subject: 
Dude i know it will sound harsh but fucking break it off with her. It doesnt matter whos fault is it in the end shes still made out with the guy (being drunk its just a lame excuse) shes just trying to minimize what happened.
By the way you sound you pretty much like me. The thought of her making out with the guy will haunt you and make ya miserable "FUCKING MISSERABLE" if you stay with her now. Ive been through that.

Give yourself some space even if ur not that good at picking up girls then that will be your fucking time to get better. its gonna be hard? who said it wasnt but it will fucking open your eyes to the world and see that it is not so bad to be single.
peace
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