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Complicated situation -need advice for handling ex-boyfriend
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Author:  Libertine Aim [ Wed Oct 21, 2009 3:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Complicated situation -need advice for handling ex-boyfriend
Ok guys, here's the situation.
It would be lovely with help, 'cause I'm really screwed:

I've been in a LTR with a wonderful girl in almost 4 months.
We have a strong and balanced relationsship (just traveled together for a week, are in love, and so on).

But somethings bothers me.

Before me, she'd had a boyfriend for about 10 months.
They were really serious.
She broke up with him (because he was too "macho" about her seeing other people, specially males), and now they have a really casual relationship.
They see each other often, and last saturday she slept over at his place (I have trust in her, that they didn't do something. She slept over, because he had a nervous-breakdown, and she lives close to him, so he needed someone to be there for him).

She's a really helpful and caring girl, and trying to treat everyone equal.

I've told her that I have a really serious problem about that guy, and their previous releationship (My hands are starting to shaking of anger, just writing about him right now).
She knows how serious it is, but she still wanna see him.
And I don't want to be the boyfriend that says "you can't do that, and that....".

Now I've told her that I don't wanna have anything to do with him - at all.
(Not meeting him, not talking with him, not fighting him - nothing!)

But I don't know if it's the right thing to do?

As said, I'm in a really screwed situation, 'cause I'm feeling like I'm loosing some of my Alpha-role in the relationship, because of him, and then not being so attractive.

Any advices?

In forward, thank you!

(PS. yeah, I know, my english is very bad)
Author:  magnum45 [ Thu Oct 22, 2009 9:02 am ]
Post subject: 
O.K. I know the obvious thing to do is to break up with her and move on. I told my friend to do that, and he is no longer in the relationship. He was in the EXACT same situation as you, and he went through a long and awful breakup because of the advice I gave him.

I don't recomend breaking up with her. I think you should be understanding and compasinate. It must suck to know that she could sleep with him, and be taking advantage of you. The only way you can get this girl-- is to trust her. You have to put your EGO on a plate. Sure! She could cheat on you, and if she does you will both know it. Tell her that you care for her so much, that you are giving her this space to figure out what she wants. Tell her that you care for her so much that you shake with anger, but allow her to go over because you want to trust her. If she is a smart girl then she will realize that you have a lot to offer her. If she is not then she will listen to her feelings and go with her ex. Don't worry because you know you did the right thing. Take pride in giving her freedom. It takes so much more strenght to allow a girl to discover the wrong things to do in her life. She broke up with him for controlling her, and now she could be testing you to see if you will try to control her. She will be more wise from it, and come back to you for being so understanding. I know it goes against the game method, but believe it or not the game is not always 100% right.

Magnum45
Author:  random_guest [ Thu Oct 22, 2009 11:39 am ]
Post subject:  Stick with your gut instinct!
You are the alpha. You make the rules.

I have been in this exact situation 2 times in my previous relationships. She is shit-testing you my friend. In some ways you should think of her as a child. She is doing 2 things, first she is testing your boundaries and secondly she wants confirmation that you are love her.

If you don't correct this behavior the first time this happens, she will act the exact same way the next time she becomes interested in someone or makes a new "friend". She is not as innocent and fragile as you think or STUPID. Off course she knows it's not OK to sleep over at another guy's place. Just try to the reverse the roles.. ask her if she would be okay with you sleeping at a girls place.

What you do is treat her like a child. You set her boundaries for her. She wants you to, she is looking to you for direction and you should take the alpha role.
Beware, you must never loose your temper or get angry, then you loose right away. Be humerous about it.. and laugh at her like she is a silly girl when she makes a fuss about you setting boundaries for her.

Tell her in a firm way that it is not acceptable for her to sleep at the ex-boyfriend's or any other guy's house. She is your girlfriend and no matter how innocent that is not respectful towards you. Try to say this in a humorous way. She will get emotional and make a huge fuss about it the first time, but if she wants to be in a relationship with you she will accept your rules. If you do this.. the next time will be much easier to handle.

However, when laying this out for her don't use ultimatums. Ultimatum's bring out the most rebellious behavior in most people. Keep your calm, be firm and humerous about it. I read an excellent post somewhere else on how to break it to her. I have used it three times and it worked wonders for me, but I don't remember it right now. I have also been told by gf's that they respect me more after telling them how I expect them to behave.

Best of luck!! Don't put up with everything.
Author:  dukelasale [ Thu Oct 22, 2009 12:31 pm ]
Post subject: 
Comparing this to my case, it seems mine are less worse than this, mine HB7 has did rationalization break-up to hers ex-bf b4 she lay on me, and from my analysis i found out our relationship was still control by her most (she interpreted my title as 'fd/sis.' that made me frustrated for a short time), then i use a disqualifier to dominate to her (lets be bros.~~!!)................

the game is pausing right now (she back to hers home country for holiday)
Author:  Libertine Aim [ Thu Oct 22, 2009 5:03 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thank you gents, for the (very) helpful advices!

I'd thought about it, and I think I have to accept the situation - like Magnum45 saying.
Love the advice about "putting my ego on a plate"!

But besides that, I think that she is shit-testing me too, so will try to move up on Random_Guest's advice about telling her, in a homourus and firm way, that it's not acceptable that she's pissin' on me - but only if she's gonna stay over at his place more often!

....Dunno how the hell Dukelasale's replay fit in -but funny story thou, bro! :D

So, yeah, another time, thank you mates - it was just what I needed to hear!
Author:  omans02 [ Fri Oct 23, 2009 7:27 pm ]
Post subject: 
This may sound harsh tho, but I still can't find the reason why u want to still keep a girlfriend that sleep over at her ex place, even if the guy has a nervous breakdown, that is total insensitivity and disregard for u, for me such a girlfriend is a closed chapter and history for life. I'm never scare to start over again than get repeatedly insulted
Author:  magnum45 [ Sat Oct 24, 2009 8:04 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
This may sound harsh tho, but I still can't find the reason why u want to still keep a girlfriend that sleep over at her ex place, even if the guy has a nervous breakdown, that is total insensitivity and disregard for u, for me such a girlfriend is a closed chapter and history for life. I'm never scare to start over again than get repeatedly insulted
And that is why you are on this forum.
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