This will be a long post. Get your popcorn.
Backstory: Moved in with three girls I met from craigslist. All are great. All had boyfriends upon me moving in. (All nerds, geeky gamer chicks- awesome!)
Had the time of my life the first week. Then one girl breaks up with her boyfriend unexpectedly (his choice, he was a fag) and of course I'm there playing my game and doing tactics to get her in bed.
Surprisingly, despite her being almost raped once and very much hating sex, I fucked her twice. (Second person to do so, she is 20 now) Things moved a little fast, eventually I wanted a relationship.
Unfortunately I have been fucked over many times in the past. I wouldn't open up. What really fucked the relationship was that I said I was probably taking a job 2 hours away and moving. She went through a MASSIVE panic attack that really did a number on her.
After the panic attack she was very distant, didn't trust me (even though I decided not to go for other reasons besides her), and overall acts like we are friends.
Two days ago I came across an ex. She texted me, showed signs of being an easy F close. I told my roommate I wanted to be friends and told the other roommate I was going on a date (knowing she would tell the original girl) Worked well; she got really jealous.
Problem is she also got super pissy to the point of not wanting to pursue anything.
I ended up not fucking the ex, although I could have. I still have the opportunity
After a day of silence, and both of us not really talking, we had this conversation:
Code:
12:25 AM - Me: ever had the feeling you wanted to say so much you couldn't say anything at all?
12:25 AM - Her: yeah it happens
12:25 AM - Her: why?
12:25 AM - Me: i feel that way.
12:28 AM - Me: i feel like i haven't been myself lately. and that the last two weeks i've been acting different just to push you away.. i miss being playful with you. wrestling, watching movies, talking, etc.. and being close to you in general. and i don't want to tell you this because it's not easy, but i have no one else to really share it with :/
12:28 AM - Her: hey id on't care what you say so long as you say it
12:29 AM - Me: i felt weird not hugging you tonight. it felt really weird.
12:29 AM - Me: i wanted to multiple times but didn't want to come off as awkward.
12:29 AM - Me: or stalkerish.
12:29 AM - Me: or creepy in general.
12:30 AM - Me: so dumb. i hate opening up because i get feelings like this. and lots of the times there's nothing i can do to help myself.
12:31 AM - Her: no one can usually do anything ot help themselves when it comes to emotions
12:31 AM - Me: i feel like i should stop myself..
12:32 AM - Me: before i get myself into something is going to take time to get out of
12:33 AM - Me: i still think about you all the time. you're always on my mind. and i feel so bad i hurt you, that i lost your trust, etc etc. and if there was anything i could do, i would do it.
12:33 AM - Me: that's what i wanted to say i guess. i'm done now :)
12:34 AM - Her: i just want you to be honest with me... both emotionally and literally
12:34 AM - Her: i just feel like i have no idea who you are or who you'll be on any given day
12:35 AM - Me: i know you are the first one to get me to open up in a year. actually over 365 days. we only live 35,000 days at best. that's a long time. it was so hard for me. i pushed you away. it's like i'm past that and now i'm really sorry about it. i don't know how to show you that that's not who i am. .
12:36 AM - Her: well then i'll see it eventually. i just need time to see it
12:36 AM - Her: like what i really want and i feel like this sounds kind of selfish... but i want you to prove to me somehow that you're a friend to me
12:36 AM - Her: and you don't do this by being super super nice or treating me to things or compliments etc
12:36 AM - Her: it's just by being true to yourself and allowing us to synch up
12:37 AM - Me: and that's what i'm all for. as long as we actually hang out more. and do things together. i don't doubt that you'll see who i was when i moved here is who i am. just takes time i guess :/
12:38 AM - Me: i hate that i went too fast with you. hate hate hate it. i still feel deep down we could have something really amazing. and i don't mean to come off as creepy with that either.
12:39 AM - Her: it's okay. and i'm all for hanging out. i mean i've been around. you've just been doing other stuff
12:39 AM - Me: how do you feel about us?
12:39 AM - Her: somtimes i feel like you're relaly oblivious sometimes lol
12:39 AM - Me: be honest if you don't want to try and make a real reslationship work.
12:39 AM - Me: oblivious how?
12:40 AM - Her: i dunno... you don't pick up on things somtimes. like when i say come look at my cake it's not just that i want you to see it... but i'm inviting you down
12:40 AM - Her: and then you say i haven't been around
12:40 AM - Me: you said you'd be going to bed. I didn't want to come down, see you, want to hang out, and be sad that you were abruptly going to bed..
12:41 AM - Me: eh selfish. wow. hm.
12:41 AM - Me: i'm kind of lame.
12:41 AM - Her: it happens
12:41 AM - Her: just when i ask you to do somethign usually it's cuz it'd mean something to me if you did
12:41 AM - Her: i dunno
12:41 AM - Her: but in any case
12:41 AM - Her: i digress
12:41 AM - Her: i don't want to think about a relationship right now
12:41 AM - Her: that's getting ahead of ourselves
12:42 AM - Her: i need to get to know yo uas a friend and for who you are before anything more can happen
12:42 AM - Me: i don't really like keeping myself open. vulnerable. etc.. feels like i care more about you than you do about me
12:42 AM - Me: don't know what to do.
12:43 AM - Her: i can't connect with you unless you open up to ome
12:43 AM - Her: if you don't open up it will be completely one sided
12:43 AM - Me: ah i never was a gambling man :/ father always said gambling blood ran through our family. i think i missed it..
12:44 AM - Me: do you still have more-than-friends feelings for me?
12:45 AM - Her: i dunno. like i said my emotional core is still kind of in lockdown
12:45 AM - Me: well i shouldn't be surprised. i manage to mess things up every time. haha.
12:45 AM - Me: don't worry about it, i guess. i'll survive.
12:46 AM - Her: i want to get to know you though
12:46 AM - Her: i mean i feel like we have a connection... what that connection is i dunno
12:46 AM - Her: but i'm honestly tired of keeping up with you mood swings. if you're honest with me then we can see where things go
12:47 AM - Her: cuz i mean you're dealing with an empath here. i can tell whne you're faking the emotion/personality etc for the day.... and when i feel soemthign false my first move is to step back from it
12:48 AM - Me: okay. we should do another night where we learn about each other. and talk for an hour or two. just us. like we did a lot when we first met. i feel like we have so much to learn still. we shouldn't have stopped.
12:49 AM - Her: talking isn't just gunna do it though. i keep saying actions speak louder than words and i mean it
12:50 AM - Me: well, it's like i want to do things for you. take you places, and so forth. it's just, it feels weird because i never know now if i should try overstepping the friend boundary. and that cuts down on things i want to do for you.
12:50 AM - Me: i'd love to do romantic things for you. it's just i don't know if it's appropriate anymore.
12:50 AM - Me: and in the beginning it would have been.
12:50 AM - Her: it's not big thigns i mean
12:50 AM - Her: it's the little things
12:50 AM - Her: like... when i ask you to come look at the cake that you do
12:50 AM - Her: or i ask you to come to trey's party and you do
12:50 AM - Her: stuff like that would mean a lot
12:51 AM - Me: this is really new to me. i promise. and i'm learning. i pick up on your advice, i do. and i will.
12:51 AM - Her: i don't really care about outlandish or specials tuff. i live in the moment and the situation at hand
12:53 AM - Her: i take great joy in my everday things and i want you to be a part of that
12:53 AM - Me: :P well, now i know.
12:54 AM - Me: i've never dealt with someone like you.
12:54 AM - Me: so at least that's a little slack in my defense.
12:55 AM - Me: (links to picture of cute deer smiling with tongue out)
12:55 AM - Me: :3
12:55 AM - Her: awwwe
(logs off after half an hour of not talking)
I KNOW I didn't follow a lot of the rules in attraction. I don't care. I felt like I followed the rules too much and didn't tell her how I felt at all. This is my one slip up, and I think it's worth it.Or maybe not.
What should I do, what should I have done, and what is this crazy bitch I think I want to be with long-term thinking???
Update (Been a few days since I made this, never posted it) - Went to a party last night with her. She seemed kind of fun, but distant at the same time. Some kino, not a lot.
Later that night she went to bed early as I left for a bit to talk to a friend. came back, messaged her that she was lame and we should hang out. She mentioned she was hungry, didn't have food, and would talk to me in her room alone if i found food.
I told her the food I had, she didn't like it. Whatever. She said we could watch a movie or something..IF I HAD SNACKS. I didn't. She said sorry.
I thought to myself "what the fuck? seriously? is she going to fuck around with me to the point where she will only cuddle/watch movies if i bring her fat ass food?"
I didn't say that. I just signed the fuck off Steam and went back to the party..
Back to the distant old self today