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MY Gf's ex asked her on a date. need advice.
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Author:  buffs2012 [ Fri Jul 10, 2009 5:42 am ]
Post subject:  MY Gf's ex asked her on a date. need advice.
MY Girlfriend of seven months was asked out by her ex (whom she dated 4 years) to a death cab for cutie concert. I guess he had plans to take this girl but they fell through. My girlfriend loves death cab, so he offered to take her. She asked me if i'd feel weird about it. I said yeah I felt uneasy about it and told her we would talk about it tomorrow. Now I don't believe my gf would do anything with this guy, but for those of you who know death cab they are the type a band you take a girl to your trying to make up for lost time with and patch old scars. I also feel insulted as a man, that another man would ask my girlfriend to a concert like death cab. It just seems to much like a date. I don't want to come off as insecure (not too late to say hey I dont give a fuck) but I also feel my pride hurt a little bit. Where does this guy get off asking my girlfriend to go to a concert with him? They have had a platonic relationship since august. but they still spend a bit of time together once or twice a week they party or hangout (usually when I'm at work or cant be around...hmmm). I have no reason to suspect cheating, but this guy seems to be making move on my girl.
Author:  abstracted [ Fri Jul 10, 2009 6:00 am ]
Post subject: 
I've had a girl stolen from me... I'd dated her 5 years. I let him make his moves, refusing to be a jealous bitch about it. I identified mutual attraction before my girlfriend did, at which point I called her out and gave her the boot. I was right, they were dating 4 months later.

Turns out over a year later the new BF is a jealous little bitch :) among other stark contrasts, and she wants me back.

All in all you have to make her want to be with you and nobody else, but you can't tell her not to hang with her ex. If you do, you'll look like a jealous bitch in her eyes, and another guy will be along later to force you into the same situation. If you have to tell her she can't hang with these guys eventually she just won't be attracted to you anymore.
Author:  buffs2012 [ Fri Jul 10, 2009 6:56 am ]
Post subject: 
I've never told her what she can and can't do. In fact she didn't ask me if she could go just if i'd feel weird about it. It not an issue of her feelings for him but his for her and what he'll try when I'm not there. what if I showed up with two tickets and asked her to go, its not sold out, and I could prolly get someone t cover my shift
Author:  Antithesis [ Fri Jul 10, 2009 7:38 am ]
Post subject: 
Tell her she's welcome to go with him, but then you're allowed a night out with one of your ex's in exchange. That way you're not forcing her to do something; rather you are giving her choices with consequences. Depending on how jealous/insecure she is about you and other women she might not even go. And if she does go, your date happens after her date so you can act accordingly. If he held her hand at the concert, you hold your ex's hand and escalate. :wink:

~Antithesis
Author:  Workaholic [ Fri Jul 10, 2009 1:59 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: MY Gf's ex asked her on a date. need advice.
Quote:
MY Girlfriend of seven months was asked out by her ex (whom she dated 4 years) to a death cab for cutie concert. I guess he had plans to take this girl but they fell through. My girlfriend loves death cab, so he offered to take her. She asked me if i'd feel weird about it. I said yeah I felt uneasy about it and told her we would talk about it tomorrow. Now I don't believe my gf would do anything with this guy, but for those of you who know death cab they are the type a band you take a girl to your trying to make up for lost time with and patch old scars. I also feel insulted as a man, that another man would ask my girlfriend to a concert like death cab. It just seems to much like a date. I don't want to come off as insecure (not too late to say hey I dont give a fuck) but I also feel my pride hurt a little bit. Where does this guy get off asking my girlfriend to go to a concert with him? They have had a platonic relationship since august. but they still spend a bit of time together once or twice a week they party or hangout (usually when I'm at work or cant be around...hmmm). I have no reason to suspect cheating, but this guy seems to be making move on my girl.
The biggest thing in a relationship revolves around trust! If you cannot trust you girl and her intentions then I fear a rocky path for the both of you. You have to have the mentality and affirmination that "I am a good looking guy, who girls will be happy with, if this relationship doesn't work out I can get another girl tomorrow".

If you act jealous and over protective she will hate and leave you later. Just wish her a good time and tell her to enjoy herself it will make her happy that you are supportive and not threatened by some loser that she is no longer with. She is with you, you beat every guy that challenged for her, so ride the motherfucking wave whilst it is still going.
Author:  [Vegas] [ Fri Jul 10, 2009 4:50 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: MY Gf's ex asked her on a date. need advice.
Quote:
The biggest thing in a relationship revolves around trust! If you cannot trust you girl and her intentions then I fear a rocky path for the both of you. You have to have the mentality and affirmination that "I am a good looking guy, who girls will be happy with, if this relationship doesn't work out I can get another girl tomorrow".

If you act jealous and over protective she will hate and leave you later. Just wish her a good time and tell her to enjoy herself it will make her happy that you are supportive and not threatened by some loser that she is no longer with. She is with you, you beat every guy that challenged for her, so ride the motherfucking wave whilst it is still going.
I agree with this. You should have a solid foundation of trust with her if you expect the relationship to continue strong. Have good inner game and know that 'at the end of the day' she will be with you. Take the time she is out with her ex to have a night with the bros or something.
Author:  Angelz [ Fri Jul 10, 2009 6:23 pm ]
Post subject: 
What happens if she ends up cheating on you?
Author:  Workaholic [ Fri Jul 10, 2009 6:40 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
What happens if she ends up cheating on you?

You cant have that mindset. If she cheats on you she is a stupid whore and it is her loss, as she will lose someone who truely cares for her.
Author:  buffs2012 [ Fri Jul 10, 2009 7:32 pm ]
Post subject: 
I told her today I would be mad if she didn't go because she loves the band so much and that i trust her, but I also said I expect her to tell me if he tried something. Dunno if that was perfect but she was really happy.
Author:  Workaholic [ Fri Jul 10, 2009 8:43 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
I told her today I would be mad if she didn't go because she loves the band so much and that i trust her, but I also said I expect her to tell me if he tried something. Dunno if that was perfect but she was really happy.
Maybe not the last bit as you are kinda going against the trust thing you mentioned.
Author:  Sexcellent [ Fri Jul 10, 2009 11:46 pm ]
Post subject: 
if i were you, i would explain to her how it makes you feel, and that it would be disrespectful to you.

pretending to not give a shit when you really do is gonna FUCK UP your relationship. workaholic's advice is not gonna help you.

sorry but the "that's her loss if she cheats" bullshit doesn't fly in the relationship world. how is she supposed to respect you when you let her go on a date with her ex. i'm not saying don't let her, all i'm saying is that you should have given her the choice between respecting you and disrespecting you. if she still wants to disrespect you then you gotta do whats best for you, with or without her.
Author:  InalienableRights [ Sat Jul 11, 2009 1:35 am ]
Post subject: 
I agree with Sexcellent on this. You are letting the other dude win by accepting his disrespect.

You've already made your decision though, so at this point I think the best thing you can do is go out with a girl friend for dinner or something. Whatever you do, don't sit around the house while she's out at the concert.
Author:  simon1989x [ Sat Jul 11, 2009 9:40 am ]
Post subject: 
I feel for you man.

It's best not to show any sign of jealous as that shows insecurity, it also makes her attraction to the other guy alot stronger because you see him as competition "Why is my BF getting jealous over this other guy"

Obviously your jealous as he's been with your GF before you, however if you show that your jealous than your projecting the mindset/behaviours that he is better than you in some way.

If she cheats, or carries on disrespecting you, get rid of her. you can get someone else.
Author:  buffs2012 [ Sun Jul 12, 2009 4:34 am ]
Post subject: 
I am usually the type to not stand by and accept blatant disrespect. I also don't make quick decisions. I'm calculative and if I found he did something under the table on me, both he and she know there WILL be a physical consequence. I have always been very clear with her on this subject, if a guy tries something wether he is a friend a random guy or an ex; wether she rejects him or accepts his advances I will become physical.
Author:  Bonita [ Sun Jul 12, 2009 10:04 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
if i were you, i would explain to her how it makes you feel, and that it would be disrespectful to you.

pretending to not give a shit when you really do is gonna FUCK UP your relationship. workaholic's advice is not gonna help you.

sorry but the "that's her loss if she cheats" bullshit doesn't fly in the relationship world. how is she supposed to respect you when you let her go on a date with her ex. i'm not saying don't let her, all i'm saying is that you should have given her the choice between respecting you and disrespecting you. if she still wants to disrespect you then you gotta do whats best for you, with or without her.

I think Sexcellent has some great advice here. And it extends beyond just this little hiccup in the relationship. If you are being inconsistent with her, there will be problems. Namely, if you tell her things aren't a problem, but they really make you boil. One day you might explode with frustration and bring up all these old things that bothered you....but she will be confused because once upon a time you said you were okay with it.

Furthermore, the whole "that's her loss if she cheats" is nice in theory but let's face it...we are human and we have feelings. You obviously having feelings for her or else this wouldn't be an issue for you. If she cheats, you are going to be hurt. Simple as that. Being over jealous is not a good things, and she may be a little mad if you say you don't want her to go, but it is her EX-bf...ex for a reason, and some things just aren't acceptable anymore. The fact that she asked you if she could go shows that she knows that you aren't so cool with them hanging out.

I honestly believe that you shouldn't let her go unless that guy comes and asks your permission personally.
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