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initiating sex/foreplay in the relationship
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Author:  Sexcellent [ Wed Dec 03, 2008 1:33 am ]
Post subject:  initiating sex/foreplay in the relationship
as a guy i feel like i want sex all the time, and girls only want it when they are in the mood. i've noticed that sometimes, girls won't get in the mood unless you "help" them by kino escalating.

with new or random HB's i feel like its much more obvious when to proceed. i actually think it was kinda easy. in the relationship however, it seems like there is a lil more to it. what puts her in the mood one day, may not work a week later. i find that changing the way i initiate even sometimes the position we're in seems to help get her in the mood. i always try to look for signs that she is in the mood, but its not always easy. sometimes i'm afraid to proceed because i fear this type of rejection. i don't want to be the BF that always wants it, and have a GF that controls when and where we do it.

in a past relationship, when things started going stale and decline, i noticed that any time i initiated, i would get an attitude. it was such a horrible and helpless feeling to have this girl in bed with me and not be allowed to initiate anything without her giving me an attitude. i don't know if this was because the relationship was going stale, or the relationsihp was going stale because of this. regardless, i guess i just don't ever want that to happen in my current relationship.

I'd like to hear what everyone here has to say

what if she says "i'm tired"? whats the right thing to do? say ok, and go to sleep? or keep escalating anyway?

should you ever say to your GF that you are in the mood? how do you react if she indicates that she is not in the mood?
Author:  BlackVenom [ Wed Dec 03, 2008 3:42 am ]
Post subject: 
i can honestly say I've never had this problem. I never really viewed it as "initiating" it. I guess I just viewed it as a natural progression... cuddling leads to kissing... kissing leads to erotic touching... touching leads to sex. You shouldn't be playing XBOX, then all the sudden jump in bed and expect sex. At the same time, you have to be able to cuddle without having sex. This is very important. You CAN'T let the INITIATION (cuddling, in my opinion) to be directly related with SEX. Then she will feel insignificant; that you only cuddle to have sex. Also, to be able to lay in bed with her and not HAVE to have sex. Just like when you are seducing a "random," you have to make them believe like THEY are seducing. There's a hook point in everyone's mind, where it switches to wanting to please someone. At first the defenses are up until they reach the hook point. This is the same in a relationship. You have to make your woman FEEL like SHE is initiating it, so that SHE has to WORRY about HOW to initiate it, NOT you!

So try to cuddle with your woman, say cute things to her, and don't escalate any more than that. You have to make your girl feel like she is WANTED, NOT wanted for SEX! Obviously everyone loves having sex, but if it feels unnatural or forced, it just isn't as good. And those "isn't good" feelings will start, not only being related to your "initiatives" but with YOU as a person.

Basically, this is an issue of caring. You have to show you care and love for your woman, and she will give you love (sex) back.

If you feel like you do these things, and your girl is still unresponsive, then I would definitely be suspicious of cheating, cause if they are completely uninterested in sex, then there's either another man, or just a serious psychological problem.
Author:  Locke [ Thu Dec 04, 2008 2:20 am ]
Post subject:  Re: initiating sex/foreplay in the relationship
Quote:
as a guy i feel like i want sex all the time, and girls only want it when they are in the mood. i've noticed that sometimes, girls won't get in the mood unless you "help" them by kino escalating.

with new or random HB's i feel like its much more obvious when to proceed. i actually think it was kinda easy. in the relationship however, it seems like there is a lil more to it. what puts her in the mood one day, may not work a week later. i find that changing the way i initiate even sometimes the position we're in seems to help get her in the mood. i always try to look for signs that she is in the mood, but its not always easy. sometimes i'm afraid to proceed because i fear this type of rejection. i don't want to be the BF that always wants it, and have a GF that controls when and where we do it.

in a past relationship, when things started going stale and decline, i noticed that any time i initiated, i would get an attitude. it was such a horrible and helpless feeling to have this girl in bed with me and not be allowed to initiate anything without her giving me an attitude. i don't know if this was because the relationship was going stale, or the relationsihp was going stale because of this. regardless, i guess i just don't ever want that to happen in my current relationship.

I'd like to hear what everyone here has to say

what if she says "i'm tired"? whats the right thing to do? say ok, and go to sleep? or keep escalating anyway?

should you ever say to your GF that you are in the mood? how do you react if she indicates that she is not in the mood?
Sexcellent! Awesome question.

It is really easy for men to "get in the mood." Give us physical or visual stimulation and BAM we're ready.

However, a woman is logic and emotion based. The woman's mind controls her sexual arousal and stimulation...believe it or not. Throughout the day, everything that happens is going to weigh on her mind. If she becomes really busy or sidetracked, it is easy for her to not be able to keep her mind focused on the active sexual advances at hand.

Stressor's could be anything. It could be with the relationship, it could be with her day, it could be about you. The woman's mind controls her libido and sex drive. If the mind is not in it, then she won't be in it.

Some things you could do:

Try initiating foreplay in the beginning of the day. If you put sex on her mind, then sex will be on her mind. Simple ;) Then all you have to do is keep it there.

Ask yourself what her favorite intimate things to do are? Maybe intimacy for her is more about kissing than about sex? Or maybe it is more about holding hands in public? Try different things to find out what boosts HER intimacy level. The higher the intimacy, the higher her buying temperature. I know women who get turned on by geeky jokes and talking. I've heard of others that their turn on's are thunderstorms. You see...their arousal is completely different. Maybe foreplay isn't what gets her going, but skinny dipping is?

Bring it up with her. Communicate. This IS one of those problems that is great to communicate about. The sexual health of a relationship has a lot of bearing on the relationship itself, and vice versa. When you bring it up don't be judgmental or point blame. As I stated above, emotions have a lot to do with a woman's libido. So....carefully find out if she still has emotional passion for you. If she does still find you physically and emotionally attractive, then you can move on and know that it is either a.) her mind and personal mental state or b.) you are not triggering her intimacy switches.


Now, if after all of that is tried and the problem is still reoccurring, then I would either point towards a psychological issue, a hormonal issue, or a relationship issue. You've already tried the address a relationship issue, so now there isn't much you can do but continue to try and communicate.

And as for what to do in future situations where your sexual advances are denied?

I know. It is tough. Just as women take things certain ways, in the bedroom...men can be very touchy! We can mis-interpret things easily.
I understand your frustration and it is normal to believe something is wrong. That isn't always the case though!

Don't make a big deal out of it when it happens. If she isn't in the mood, then she isn't in the mood. The more you push, the more frustrated and further from sexual arousal she will be. She will possibly even get annoyed at herself for not being in the mood. That has a potential snowball effect and damage sexual confidence--which then just ends up leading to even lower sex drive.

So don't push. Don't freeze out, and don't take it like it is LMR.

Change the topic and kiss her, compliment her, let her know she is important to you. because obviously, if you are seeking help for this, then she is! Just go about your business; whether it is to continue talking or to go to bed. If it begins to happen frequently, then revert back to my suggestions higher up - how to deal with it.
Author:  hammer2456 [ Sat Dec 06, 2008 3:03 pm ]
Post subject: 
this is great advice. i having been seeing this girl for about the last week and we always kiss when i get there/ leave and cuddle but i dont know what i should say / do to get her interested in more. i think ill try asking her about her favorite intimate things and see where i go from there.
Author:  BlackVenom [ Sat Dec 06, 2008 8:52 pm ]
Post subject: 
Yeah and you have to be creative and exciting with new ways of initiating sex. I've heard from several women that they get turned on when guys do work around the house. Such as cooking for them, there is something hardwired in their mind to want to mate with a strong male that can do things for them. While you are doing that you can compliment her and kiss her on the neck... great way to initiate sex.

You have to keep it fresh all the time. If it gets stale, then that's when the sex goes downhill. She has to be surprised at how you initiate it so it's as fun and exciting as your first time together. If it's standard procedure to kiss, boobage suckage, gold digging, and then sex, then you become predictable and while it may turn her on for a while, everything gets old/boring. Even millionaires get tired of their rolls royces; we get bored of what's routine.

Try the above or think of another creative way to initiate sex.
Author:  Sexcellent [ Tue Dec 09, 2008 11:43 pm ]
Post subject: 
i'm really afraid to ask anything along the lines of "what turns you on?". i feel like doing this is a major DLV and display of insecurity. anyone have any strategies for getting this information in a non-DLV type manner?
Author:  Locke [ Tue Dec 09, 2008 11:48 pm ]
Post subject: 
well, that isn't lower value....you are showing interest in getting to know her better, and satisfy her better.

Turn it into a game, have her show you what turns her on.

Every woman is different and most wouldn't expect a guy to know the exact details of each sexual interaction.
Author:  Gaptooth [ Fri Jan 02, 2009 10:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: initiating sex/foreplay in the relationship
Quote:
And as for what to do in future situations where your sexual advances are denied?

I know. It is tough. Just as women take things certain ways, in the bedroom...men can be very touchy! We can mis-interpret things easily.
I understand your frustration and it is normal to believe something is wrong. That isn't always the case though!

Don't make a big deal out of it when it happens. If she isn't in the mood, then she isn't in the mood. The more you push, the more frustrated and further from sexual arousal she will be. She will possibly even get annoyed at herself for not being in the mood. That has a potential snowball effect and damage sexual confidence--which then just ends up leading to even lower sex drive.

So don't push. Don't freeze out, and don't take it like it is LMR.

Change the topic and kiss her, compliment her, let her know she is important to you. Because obviously, if you are seeking help for this, then she is! Just go about your business; whether it is to continue talking or to go to bed. If it begins to happen frequently, then revert back to my suggestions higher up - how to deal with it.
Locke- simply masterfull explanation of what's been happening for the past year in my relatioship. I'm actually experiencing the up-rise of getting good/more sex again after a long near-drought.

She had hormonal issues (not relationship, which I initially thought), and when I pushed she got upset, delayed sex even more, and told me she thought there was something wrong with her because she didn't want it as much anymore.

The way I'm turning it around:

1)Not pushing it.
2)Not letting it bother me when I don't get it.
3)Talked about it.
4)Changing it up and making it interesting (this one is tough right now, she wont do it in the kitchen).
Author:  Locke [ Sun Jan 11, 2009 6:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: initiating sex/foreplay in the relationship
Quote:
Quote:
And as for what to do in future situations where your sexual advances are denied?

I know. It is tough. Just as women take things certain ways, in the bedroom...men can be very touchy! We can mis-interpret things easily.
I understand your frustration and it is normal to believe something is wrong. That isn't always the case though!

Don't make a big deal out of it when it happens. If she isn't in the mood, then she isn't in the mood. The more you push, the more frustrated and further from sexual arousal she will be. She will possibly even get annoyed at herself for not being in the mood. That has a potential snowball effect and damage sexual confidence--which then just ends up leading to even lower sex drive.

So don't push. Don't freeze out, and don't take it like it is LMR.

Change the topic and kiss her, compliment her, let her know she is important to you. Because obviously, if you are seeking help for this, then she is! Just go about your business; whether it is to continue talking or to go to bed. If it begins to happen frequently, then revert back to my suggestions higher up - how to deal with it.
Locke- simply masterfull explanation of what's been happening for the past year in my relatioship. I'm actually experiencing the up-rise of getting good/more sex again after a long near-drought.

She had hormonal issues (not relationship, which I initially thought), and when I pushed she got upset, delayed sex even more, and told me she thought there was something wrong with her because she didn't want it as much anymore.

The way I'm turning it around:

1)Not pushing it.
2)Not letting it bother me when I don't get it.
3)Talked about it.
4)Changing it up and making it interesting (this one is tough right now, she wont do it in the kitchen).
Glad that my response worked well for you!

And sexcellent, how did things end up turning out for you?
Author:  Sexcellent [ Mon Jan 12, 2009 7:24 am ]
Post subject:  Re: initiating sex/foreplay in the relationship
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
And as for what to do in future situations where your sexual advances are denied?

I know. It is tough. Just as women take things certain ways, in the bedroom...men can be very touchy! We can mis-interpret things easily.
I understand your frustration and it is normal to believe something is wrong. That isn't always the case though!

Don't make a big deal out of it when it happens. If she isn't in the mood, then she isn't in the mood. The more you push, the more frustrated and further from sexual arousal she will be. She will possibly even get annoyed at herself for not being in the mood. That has a potential snowball effect and damage sexual confidence--which then just ends up leading to even lower sex drive.

So don't push. Don't freeze out, and don't take it like it is LMR.

Change the topic and kiss her, compliment her, let her know she is important to you. Because obviously, if you are seeking help for this, then she is! Just go about your business; whether it is to continue talking or to go to bed. If it begins to happen frequently, then revert back to my suggestions higher up - how to deal with it.
Locke- simply masterfull explanation of what's been happening for the past year in my relatioship. I'm actually experiencing the up-rise of getting good/more sex again after a long near-drought.

She had hormonal issues (not relationship, which I initially thought), and when I pushed she got upset, delayed sex even more, and told me she thought there was something wrong with her because she didn't want it as much anymore.

The way I'm turning it around:

1)Not pushing it.
2)Not letting it bother me when I don't get it.
3)Talked about it.
4)Changing it up and making it interesting (this one is tough right now, she wont do it in the kitchen).
Glad that my response worked well for you!

And sexcellent, how did things end up turning out for you?
things are going great, there's some very good advice in this thread. It's definately not easy to always bee changing it up, but no one ever said relationships are gonna be easy. it helps for me to think about it from her perspective: girls get excited when you take them on a lil adventure. it's not fair to her if you do the same things all the time. she may go along with it for a while, but you have to change things up if you want her to be happy too :)

also, people around here always say that girls are MORE sexual than guys. this may be true, but guys are much better at turning it on and off. girls seem to be more likely to not be in the mood when something is on their mind or they are tired etc. understanding this has made me more patient and less worried about not getting any for a night or 2.
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