PUA Forum :: Can I still save this relationship?

Hello everyone

Im 24 years old, my girlfriend of almost a year is a 19 year old HB9. In The beginning of our relationship things were going Great. We har an amazing and adventurous sex life and so on. However this slowly started to turn around. Somewhere along i started losing my self esteem. I made all the mistakes a man can do in a relationship. I depended on her for happiness, I would become dramatic, start arguments and so on all the time. I would even get mad and complain when I did not get her attention. This all started probably 5 months ago.

Its apparent you have insight as to what the problem is. Specifically, looking to her for your happiness. As EddieFews once said "women want to need, and men want to be needed". When she couldn't make you happy (nobody can make you happy anyway) you protested by stirred shit up by starting a fight and becoming heavily reactive. Women don't like reactive men. It informs them that they can't feel safe and secure around you, and that in the event that they're facing threat that you'd probably flee or become overwhelmed easily.

What was the catalyst to this insecure behavior starting 5 months ago?

We have now Come to The point where her attraction for me is really really low. We do not have sex like before and so on. She says that she wants me in a sexual way but just never is in The mood.

We have multiple discussions about whether to break up or not and we both want to Keep trying.

My girlfriend was going out of town last weekend to her relatives, and she asked me to Come with.
I said that I was not sure about it considering our situation. She convinced me to Come with anyway. We har one little argument over there but Overall we enjoyed eachother.

Now im back home and she i still back there for another couple of days.

She wants us to not have that much contact these days and talk about us when she gets back.

We had a little text conversation last night, she asked me how I felt and so on and told me she loved me before she went to sleep.

I texted her today and The convo went like this :

Me: hey! Just wanted to check in on you, how are you?

Her: hello, im fine, we are going for a trip today

How are you?

Me: oh thats Nice! Im good except im getting a cold
I just wanted to tell you that i understand that you need som space for yourself considering how our relationship has been lately. We can sort it out when you are back home. Call me up when you feel ready to talk, love you

She: thanks for understanding. We Will talk about it later. I wont text much during The day but I can call you tonight, love you

Me: forgot to mention but i want you to know that I do realize that my behaviour is what slowly has put us in this situation and i regret that deeply.
You have a Great day talk later!

So... This is where im at. I know The long term solution is to work on my self no matter what happens, but i want to know. Can i still save this? IF so, how?

Thanks

Author:	zyzzpua [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 12:08 pm ]
Post subject:	Can I still save this relationship?
Hello everyone Im 24 years old, my girlfriend of almost a year is a 19 year old HB9. In The beginning of our relationship things were going Great. We har an amazing and adventurous sex life and so on. However this slowly started to turn around. Somewhere along i started losing my self esteem. I made all the mistakes a man can do in a relationship. I depended on her for happiness, I would become dramatic, start arguments and so on all the time. I would even get mad and complain when I did not get her attention. This all started probably 5 months ago. We have now Come to The point where her attraction for me is really really low. We do not have sex like before and so on. She says that she wants me in a sexual way but just never is in The mood. We have multiple discussions about whether to break up or not and we both want to Keep trying. My girlfriend was going out of town last weekend to her relatives, and she asked me to Come with. I said that I was not sure about it considering our situation. She convinced me to Come with anyway. We har one little argument over there but Overall we enjoyed eachother. Now im back home and she i still back there for another couple of days. She wants us to not have that much contact these days and talk about us when she gets back. We had a little text conversation last night, she asked me how I felt and so on and told me she loved me before she went to sleep. I texted her today and The convo went like this : Me: hey! Just wanted to check in on you, how are you? Her: hello, im fine, we are going for a trip today How are you? Me: oh thats Nice! Im good except im getting a cold I just wanted to tell you that i understand that you need som space for yourself considering how our relationship has been lately. We can sort it out when you are back home. Call me up when you feel ready to talk, love you She: thanks for understanding. We Will talk about it later. I wont text much during The day but I can call you tonight, love you Me: forgot to mention but i want you to know that I do realize that my behaviour is what slowly has put us in this situation and i regret that deeply. You have a Great day talk later! So... This is where im at. I know The long term solution is to work on my self no matter what happens, but i want to know. Can i still save this? IF so, how? Thanks

Author:	R.C [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 12:44 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Can I still save this relationship?
There's doesn't seem to be any permanent damage done to your relationship so I'd say you're fine in that regard. But look, it took you months to lose yourself so it's gonna take you months to snap out of it too. Be aware of that. Why has she become your main source of happiness? Are you doing well in school/your career? If not, start fixing that. Stop procrastinating, be productive. Do you go out with friends as much as you used to? If not, start going out. Don't have to bring her with unless she was always part of the social circle. Do you have any hobbies that preferably get you out of the house? The gym is always a great suggestion. Do it. Are there any other women in your life? I'm not saying go sleep with a random girl, or otherwise go cheat on your girlfriend. I'm saying don't isolate yourself from female attention. Flirt with your colleagues, co-workers or female friends and don't shut yourself off from having fun. Whenever guys get into your situation it's either because they stop having a life outside the relationship, or because the life they have outside it is not what they'd want it to be.

Author:	zyzzpua [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 12:57 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Can I still save this relationship?
I am doing pretty poorly at work and I have not been hanging out alot with myfriends lately. My personal life has been like a downward spiral lately. I really get your point and I know that I need to start working on all theese aspects. However...right now I feel that her attraction for me and her respect for me is extrenely low... To The degree that I fear that I can not turn it around. How do you practically adress that issue? And how should I treat her now? Should I tell her this is Hard for me and so on, or do I pretend im unaffected whilst focusing on myself? I want to reestablish respect and attraction before its too late Thanks for answering

Author:	R.C [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 1:24 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Can I still save this relationship?
Quote: However...right now I feel that her attraction for me and her respect for me is extrenely low... To The degree that I fear that I can not turn it around. How do you practically adress that issue? There's no "however". Her loss of attraction and/or respect is not a cause, it's an effect. It's the effect an unfulfilling life has on you and your behavior. The only reason it "turned bad" in the first place is because you did. The more you spend your time and energy on getting your shit back together, the faster things will turn around on their own. Quote: And how should I treat her now? Should I tell her this is Hard for me and so on, or do I pretend im unaffected whilst focusing on myself? Actions, not words. You're in this situation not because of things you said but because of ways you acted in. And the ways you continue to act in will either turn things better, or keep the spiral going downwards. That's your choice. Now look man, a guy doing poorly at his job and with little to no social life is not exactly the exemplar of an attractive dude that women are proud of calling their own. That's your priority. Whether or not it's too late depends entirely on the decisions you make from this point onward. Keep in mind what I wrote in the first paragraph.

Author:	zyzzpua [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 3:12 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Can I still save this relationship?
I get what youre saying, fix myself and The rest Will follow. Whats really Hard for me personally right now is my financial situation... Ive studied finance 3 years in university. But my dream is to make it as a forex daytrader and become financially independent . Which I have been doing for 2 years now and im under capitalized and can barely survive on The money i make... I want to Keep pushing for my dream but at The same time its wearing me Down that everyone around is better of financially than me, even though i have higher ambitions and an education... But I guess there no idea bitching about life and just do something about it. Thanks dude

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Author:	n2thevoid [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 5:08 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Can I still save this relationship?
Quote: I get what youre saying, fix myself and The rest Will follow. Whats really Hard for me personally right now is my financial situation... Ive studied finance 3 years in university. But my dream is to make it as a forex daytrader and become financially independent . Which I have been doing for 2 years now and im under capitalized and can barely survive on The money i make... I want to Keep pushing for my dream but at The same time its wearing me Down that everyone around is better of financially than me, even though i have higher ambitions and an education... But I guess there no idea bitching about life and just do something about it. Thanks dude Note anything helpful/unhelpful with this thought? Can you identify the belief undergirding it?

Author:	zyzzpua [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 6:16 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Can I still save this relationship?
Dont exactly know what you mean, but I guess its that its really unhelpful comparing myself to others... Now that I think about it i guess thats something thats just going to ruin my selfesteem

Author:	Heywood Jablowme [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 6:32 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Can I still save this relationship?
Is this what your phone is starting to look like?

Author:	zyzzpua [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 6:40 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Can I still save this relationship?
Lol Well last week or so I havent been that needy and clingy. But to be honest, thats how its been looking mostly over The last couple of months. (little bit exagerated picture tho)

Author:	zyzzpua [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 7:55 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Can I still save this relationship?
God damn Girls can be confusing.. Just talked to her for a while before she went to sleep. She said she is not sure where we stand or if we are gonna continue being a couple. And she also said she wanted us to plan for new years together as a couple...

Author:	Arch Stanton [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 10:24 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Can I still save this relationship?
This all sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Things aren't really bad at first, but then you keep droning on and on and on about how bad things are, and you keep having "the talk". You drag her right down into relationship insecurity really for no reason at all except your insecurities. This kind of nonsense will drive women away. Women are emotional beings, and live in the moment. That's why it's important to be the chill, FUN guy, and not Debbie Downer. You are confused by your gf's conflicting behavior towards you because in her way, she keeps trying to ignore and push beyond your weak, clingy behavior in hopes things will work out...yet you keep harping on this shit. Knock it off. Be the fun, chill guy and live in the moment. Women are better multi-taskers than men and get over things faster. So just drop the negative Nancy relationship talks and just be FUN.

Author:	n2thevoid [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 11:10 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Can I still save this relationship?
Quote: Hello everyone Im 24 years old, my girlfriend of almost a year is a 19 year old HB9. In The beginning of our relationship things were going Great. We har an amazing and adventurous sex life and so on. However this slowly started to turn around. Somewhere along i started losing my self esteem. I made all the mistakes a man can do in a relationship. I depended on her for happiness, I would become dramatic, start arguments and so on all the time. I would even get mad and complain when I did not get her attention. This all started probably 5 months ago. Its apparent you have insight as to what the problem is. Specifically, looking to her for your happiness. As EddieFews once said "women want to need, and men want to be needed". When she couldn't make you happy (nobody can make you happy anyway) you protested by stirred shit up by starting a fight and becoming heavily reactive. Women don't like reactive men. It informs them that they can't feel safe and secure around you, and that in the event that they're facing threat that you'd probably flee or become overwhelmed easily. What was the catalyst to this insecure behavior starting 5 months ago? We have now Come to The point where her attraction for me is really really low. We do not have sex like before and so on. She says that she wants me in a sexual way but just never is in The mood. We have multiple discussions about whether to break up or not and we both want to Keep trying. My girlfriend was going out of town last weekend to her relatives, and she asked me to Come with. I said that I was not sure about it considering our situation. She convinced me to Come with anyway. We har one little argument over there but Overall we enjoyed eachother. Now im back home and she i still back there for another couple of days. She wants us to not have that much contact these days and talk about us when she gets back. We had a little text conversation last night, she asked me how I felt and so on and told me she loved me before she went to sleep. I texted her today and The convo went like this : Me: hey! Just wanted to check in on you, how are you? Her: hello, im fine, we are going for a trip today How are you? Me: oh thats Nice! Im good except im getting a cold I just wanted to tell you that i understand that you need som space for yourself considering how our relationship has been lately. We can sort it out when you are back home. Call me up when you feel ready to talk, love you She: thanks for understanding. We Will talk about it later. I wont text much during The day but I can call you tonight, love you Me: forgot to mention but i want you to know that I do realize that my behaviour is what slowly has put us in this situation and i regret that deeply. You have a Great day talk later! So... This is where im at. I know The long term solution is to work on my self no matter what happens, but i want to know. Can i still save this? IF so, how? Thanks She's withdrawn a bit from the relationship. It's likely she's prepping herself mentally to leave, should you continue along this same track. Women don't like this sort of heaviness and drama from men. They can handle it from other women but its quite off putting when a man is this way for aforementioned reasons. By focusing on saving the relationship instead of focusing on saving yourself, the relationship is most certainly doomed to fail and you've entirely missed the point.

Author:	n2thevoid [ Tue Nov 01, 2016 11:17 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Can I still save this relationship?
Quote: This all sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Things aren't really bad at first, but then you keep droning on and on and on about how bad things are, and you keep having "the talk". You drag her right down into relationship insecurity really for no reason at all except your insecurities. This kind of nonsense will drive women away. Women are emotional beings, and live in the moment. That's why it's important to be the chill, FUN guy, and not Debbie Downer. You are confused by your gf's conflicting behavior towards you because in her way, she keeps trying to ignore and push beyond your weak, clingy behavior in hopes things will work out...yet you keep harping on this shit. Knock it off. Be the fun, chill guy and live in the moment. Women are better multi-taskers than men and get over things faster. So just drop the negative Nancy relationship talks and just be FUN. That's one way of looking at it. I'd say its more a case of a person looking with-out rather than with-in for the answers. Hence the clingy behavior. If you're grounded in yourself u'll find it far easier to connect with others, and there'll be more of a free flow of met needs. When you seek something externally such as happiness the experience is always fleeting. Such as bedding other women to get over an ex (only to feel far worse later), drugs, alcohol, gambling, excessive shopping, hoarding, working out excessively ANY behavior that numbs or dissociates you from your experience and yourself will only perpetuate the pain. If you aren't working towards finding your centre and finding value in your own life u'll be doomed with the scarcity mindset. That said, humans are social beings and as such we often rely upon others to meet needs (e.g., intimacy, connection, security etc). There are however over 5 billion people on this planet, so depending on any single one person to meet all of your needs is a self-destructive proposition.

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