PUA Forum :: Confusion as to the situation i am in

How long have you been dating?
How long have you known each other?
Did you ask her to be exclusive?

Ok boys i've gotten myself in a weird situation with a girl.

This girl has been hurt in the past and has 'issues' to say the least. She insists she doesn't want a relationship because of the 'pressures' which come with it. Namely
1) Having to see someone often
2) Being pressured to constantly have sex

However she say's she's happy with us being. Exclusive together, who see each other when we both can and who are intimate when we want. We are not BF/GF but we are not to act single

To me that is the definition of relationship... I'm not worried about labels or anything and don't mind not fucking other girls while I see if this leads to anything.

My question is how should I view this situation and should I be alarmed? Or should I just view this as her having issues and not force the situation or mention that it is a relationship without the label

So whats the difference between this and an actual relationship outside the fact that its not called a RELATIONSHIP?

If you dress a cat up like its a dog, is it no longer a cat?

This is a relationship dressed up by some creation she has made in her head. But my question to you is, why is it so important that this becomes a relationship by label? What more do you gain once it becomes so? And is this girl(that you admit has issues) someone you truly believe you should settle down with and have a relationship? Do you feel like this is the best you can do? Or is it just the best that you have now.

So you've been fucking around for a whole year.
She wants you not to date other women.
She doesn't want to commit to you.

In other words she wants her cake and she wants to eat it too. Basically wanting the perks of having a boyfriend but without any responsibilities a girlfriend would have.

Don't take her seriously and find someone on the same page as you.

See I do agree with what you are saying but what other commitment or responsibilities would a relationship have besides monogamy which is present?

Meeting parents, meeting each other's friends, displaying yourselves publicly, hanging out in social contexts, going on vacation together, doing coupleish shit, etc.

These are not necessarily responsibilities, and in no particular order, but they do represent the route through which a healthy relationship will usually pass. Monogamy is often times just the premise.

"Having to see someone often" or "having to have sex" has nothing to do with being in a relationship. You can see each other however often you want and can have sex however frequently you desire. There's no quota just because you slapped a label on it.

I have met her best friend and the rest of the responsibilities listed are all too soon for how long we have been dating. I mean I won't introduce a girl I have been with a few weeks to my parents or plan holidays with her.

Quote:

I'm a bit confused as to how long you've been dating/hooking up. You mentioned it being on and off for a year.
What's the difference between what you've been doing for a few weeks and what you've been doing for the past months?

That being the case maybe you started the girlfriend conversation a bit prematurely. You'd know better. Regardless, I always let them initiate the exclusivity talk. Until then have fun together and enjoy each other's company.

I think you were a bit too trigger happy with the gf title. Let women come to you with the exclusivity talk. It's usually 2-3 months in.

Author:	anaselies [ Tue Oct 04, 2016 9:43 am ]
Post subject:	Confusion as to the situation i am in
Ok boys i've gotten myself in a weird situation with a girl. This girl has been hurt in the past and has 'issues' to say the least. She insists she doesn't want a relationship because of the 'pressures' which come with it. Namely 1) Having to see someone often 2) Being pressured to constantly have sex However she say's she's happy with us being. Exclusive together, who see each other when we both can and who are intimate when we want. We are not BF/GF but we are not to act single To me that is the definition of relationship... I'm not worried about labels or anything and don't mind not fucking other girls while I see if this leads to anything. My question is how should I view this situation and should I be alarmed? Or should I just view this as her having issues and not force the situation or mention that it is a relationship without the label

Author:	R.C [ Tue Oct 04, 2016 9:57 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Confusion as to the situation i am in
How long have you been dating? How long have you known each other? Did you ask her to be exclusive?

Author:	anaselies [ Tue Oct 04, 2016 11:16 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Confusion as to the situation i am in
Quote: How long have you been dating? How long have you known each other? Did you ask her to be exclusive? We went on a few dates last year and she cut me off so i just moved on. We became friends after a while and she told me she had feelings and was scared of the potential so thats why she did it. We have been hanging out on and of since then Known her for a year on and off. I suggested it when she said she was bothered with me hooking up with other girls and that she didn't want to see other people. But yeah I'm the one who asked

Author:	R.C [ Tue Oct 04, 2016 11:40 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Confusion as to the situation i am in
So you've been fucking around for a whole year. She wants you not to date other women. She doesn't want to commit to you. In other words she wants her cake and she wants to eat it too. Basically wanting the perks of having a boyfriend but without any responsibilities a girlfriend would have. Don't take her seriously and find someone on the same page as you.

Author:	n2thevoid [ Tue Oct 04, 2016 11:54 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Confusion as to the situation i am in
Quote: Ok boys i've gotten myself in a weird situation with a girl. This girl has been hurt in the past and has 'issues' to say the least. She insists she doesn't want a relationship because of the 'pressures' which come with it. Namely 1) Having to see someone often 2) Being pressured to constantly have sex However she say's she's happy with us being. Exclusive together, who see each other when we both can and who are intimate when we want. We are not BF/GF but we are not to act single To me that is the definition of relationship... I'm not worried about labels or anything and don't mind not fucking other girls while I see if this leads to anything. My question is how should I view this situation and should I be alarmed? Or should I just view this as her having issues and not force the situation or mention that it is a relationship without the label She has all the hallmarks of an Avoidant attachment. What this means is that any time she perceives someone getting 'too close' to her she pulls away, withdrawals. Such individuals deep down want connection, unfortunately they get triggered very easily when it looks like the relationship is beginning to move to the next level. You have to decide if you want to go through the bother of being with someone like this and investing even more - in which case it u'll be making a lot of sacrifices to continue with her. She likely won't give you what you want (a relationship), and will always keep you at an arm's length away. In short u'll get shards of affection and intimacy but at the cost of not really having a girlfriend. When you broach the topic of wanting something more be prepared for a battle, she's not going to give any ground either. I dated someone like this for 3 years and it was traumatizing, to say the least. I would often exit the relationship for her only to return (and me to allow her back in). That was our cycle. I wanted more, and sought a stronger connection, but every time I did she'd pull away, often diminishing me, using shame as a tool, and any other way she could keep me at a distance including going radio silent for days on end (brutal). I know you like this girl but is it worth your health and wellbeing?

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Author:	Eddie Fews [ Tue Oct 04, 2016 12:58 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Confusion as to the situation i am in
So whats the difference between this and an actual relationship outside the fact that its not called a RELATIONSHIP? If you dress a cat up like its a dog, is it no longer a cat? This is a relationship dressed up by some creation she has made in her head. But my question to you is, why is it so important that this becomes a relationship by label? What more do you gain once it becomes so? And is this girl(that you admit has issues) someone you truly believe you should settle down with and have a relationship? Do you feel like this is the best you can do? Or is it just the best that you have now.

Author:	anaselies [ Tue Oct 04, 2016 2:17 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Confusion as to the situation i am in
Quote: So whats the difference between this and an actual relationship outside the fact that its not called a RELATIONSHIP? If you dress a cat up like its a dog, is it no longer a cat? This is a relationship dressed up by some creation she has made in her head. But my question to you is, why is it so important that this becomes a relationship by label? What more do you gain once it becomes so? And is this girl(that you admit has issues) someone you truly believe you should settle down with and have a relationship? Do you feel like this is the best you can do? Or is it just the best that you have now. Personally having the label means nothing to me. But it would add clarity on what type of behaviour is acceptable both of us. And to your second question I'm not sure because she does seem amazing when she doesn't overthink and just relaxes BUT she could be my 'oneitus' and I am admittedly not spoilt for choice. I do however think that the answer to that will come with time. Quote: So you've been fucking around for a whole year. She wants you not to date other women. She doesn't want to commit to you. In other words she wants her cake and she wants to eat it too. Basically wanting the perks of having a boyfriend but without any responsibilities a girlfriend would have. Don't take her seriously and find someone on the same page as you. See I do agree with what you are saying but what other commitment or responsibilities would a relationship have besides monogamy which is present?

Author:	Heywood Jablowme [ Tue Oct 04, 2016 2:38 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Confusion as to the situation i am in
You are trying to fix something that you can't do anything about.

Author:	R.C [ Tue Oct 04, 2016 4:25 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Confusion as to the situation i am in
Quote: See I do agree with what you are saying but what other commitment or responsibilities would a relationship have besides monogamy which is present? Meeting parents, meeting each other's friends, displaying yourselves publicly, hanging out in social contexts, going on vacation together, doing coupleish shit, etc. These are not necessarily responsibilities, and in no particular order, but they do represent the route through which a healthy relationship will usually pass. Monogamy is often times just the premise. "Having to see someone often" or "having to have sex" has nothing to do with being in a relationship. You can see each other however often you want and can have sex however frequently you desire. There's no quota just because you slapped a label on it.

Author:	anaselies [ Tue Oct 04, 2016 4:55 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Confusion as to the situation i am in
Quote: Meeting parents, meeting each other's friends, displaying yourselves publicly, hanging out in social contexts, going on vacation together, doing coupleish shit, etc. These are not necessarily responsibilities, and in no particular order, but they do represent the route through which a healthy relationship will usually pass. Monogamy is often times just the premise. "Having to see someone often" or "having to have sex" has nothing to do with being in a relationship. You can see each other however often you want and can have sex however frequently you desire. There's no quota just because you slapped a label on it. I agree with the last paragraph those are all imaginary traits she has associated with the label. I have met her best friend and the rest of the responsibilities listed are all too soon for how long we have been dating. I mean I won't introduce a girl I have been with a few weeks to my parents or plan holidays with her. I agree monogamy is just the premise and I am in no way not listening to advice and arguing with you. Appreciate your input

Author:	R.C [ Tue Oct 04, 2016 7:56 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Confusion as to the situation i am in
Quote: I have met her best friend and the rest of the responsibilities listed are all too soon for how long we have been dating. I mean I won't introduce a girl I have been with a few weeks to my parents or plan holidays with her. I'm a bit confused as to how long you've been dating/hooking up. You mentioned it being on and off for a year. What's the difference between what you've been doing for a few weeks and what you've been doing for the past months? That being the case maybe you started the girlfriend conversation a bit prematurely. You'd know better. Regardless, I always let them initiate the exclusivity talk. Until then have fun together and enjoy each other's company.

Author:	anaselies [ Tue Oct 04, 2016 8:16 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Confusion as to the situation i am in
Quote: Quote: I have met her best friend and the rest of the responsibilities listed are all too soon for how long we have been dating. I mean I won't introduce a girl I have been with a few weeks to my parents or plan holidays with her. I'm a bit confused as to how long you've been dating/hooking up. You mentioned it being on and off for a year. What's the difference between what you've been doing for a few weeks and what you've been doing for the past months? That being the case maybe you started the girlfriend conversation a bit prematurely. You'd know better. Regardless, I always let them initiate the exclusivity talk. Until then have fun together and enjoy each other's company. Oh sorry let me clarify. I've known her for a year. We went on three or four dates and the she flaked so I moved on. We started talking again and we became friends until we went to a party together and she admitted she cut me out because she was scared that she developed feelings during those dates. After that she was acting weird, we remained friends and got on with our lives. I did develop feelings and saw her as more than a friend so I initiated things more and for the recent weeks we decided to not be just friends and see where it goes. So short version = known her for a year as mostly friends (contact has been on and off) and recently decided to be more than friends.

Author:	R.C [ Tue Oct 04, 2016 8:26 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Confusion as to the situation i am in
I think you were a bit too trigger happy with the gf title. Let women come to you with the exclusivity talk. It's usually 2-3 months in.

Author:	JackZero [ Tue Oct 04, 2016 8:32 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Confusion as to the situation i am in
Quote: I think you were a bit too trigger happy with the gf title. Let women come to you with the exclusivity talk. It's usually 2-3 months in. Please, please, please read this over and over again. It will make your life so much easier.

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Author:	anaselies [ Wed Oct 05, 2016 9:38 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Confusion as to the situation i am in
Quote: I think you were a bit too trigger happy with the gf title. Let women come to you with the exclusivity talk. It's usually 2-3 months in. Without a doubt i agree. I think as she was my only option i got insecure and wanted to tie her down. I'm working and broadening my social circle etc to make her one of a bunch instead of the only one. I take it you advise just sticking with this arrangement as long as i'm happy not hooking up with others and not mention it's a relationship without the damn label until she decides to bring it up?