PUA Forum :: Revisiting

So my final time with my ex was this last weekend where we were locked into a wedding that I personally was willing to endure to see my good friend be married. At the end of the day, she was suggesting she wants me in her life, remain friends, etc. Now, for those of you who have been following my story, she ended up having the dancing friend visit her two weeks ago and they hooked up. I brought it up and expressed that even though we had broken up the weekend before, I felt that all my "insecurities" and jealousy was justified and that I couldn't remain friends with someone who treated me that way, amongst the other things she was doing. She'd been lying to me the whole time to my face, and yet the red flags Id confront she would use jealousy as a weapon to make me back off. So here she now says that I "pushed her" into his arms and that she was hurting from our breakup and needed someone. Right. Well I pointed it out that it was odd that we broke up the weekend before he came to town. Of course they weren't correlated in her mind. Anyways, this is an odd one because I know she's trying to push the blame on me, and I knew I had been right all along. However, maybe I was wrong in my expression of my suspicion which was mostly passive aggressive high lights of the weirdness of their relationship. Obviously this wasn't the best solution. In the end, she'd do what she wants. How do I move forward so that in the future I can handle something like this better? I always felt shut down by her whenever I wanted to talk about the situation. I just want to know how to have a healthier relationship to someone I can't trust. I have trust issues to begin with, since, I trust people who I can't trust. Going forward. I want to grow from this very stressful situation.

Author:	methodology [ Wed Aug 10, 2016 8:09 pm ]
Post subject:	Revisiting
So my final time with my ex was this last weekend where we were locked into a wedding that I personally was willing to endure to see my good friend be married. At the end of the day, she was suggesting she wants me in her life, remain friends, etc. Now, for those of you who have been following my story, she ended up having the dancing friend visit her two weeks ago and they hooked up. I brought it up and expressed that even though we had broken up the weekend before, I felt that all my "insecurities" and jealousy was justified and that I couldn't remain friends with someone who treated me that way, amongst the other things she was doing. She'd been lying to me the whole time to my face, and yet the red flags Id confront she would use jealousy as a weapon to make me back off. So here she now says that I "pushed her" into his arms and that she was hurting from our breakup and needed someone. Right. Well I pointed it out that it was odd that we broke up the weekend before he came to town. Of course they weren't correlated in her mind. Anyways, this is an odd one because I know she's trying to push the blame on me, and I knew I had been right all along. However, maybe I was wrong in my expression of my suspicion which was mostly passive aggressive high lights of the weirdness of their relationship. Obviously this wasn't the best solution. In the end, she'd do what she wants. How do I move forward so that in the future I can handle something like this better? I always felt shut down by her whenever I wanted to talk about the situation. I just want to know how to have a healthier relationship to someone I can't trust. I have trust issues to begin with, since, I trust people who I can't trust. Going forward. I want to grow from this very stressful situation.

Author:	Heywood Jablowme [ Wed Aug 10, 2016 8:50 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Revisiting
By learning how not to be so needy. You only stayed because it was easier, it was easy for you to become dependent on this relationships as a way of making you feel loved/valued/cared for/respected etc. And, even if the woman was treating you shitty, you stayed around because you feel that this current relationship is the only way you can get those things. I think that a lot of it comes down to perception and self-validation. If you start off from the mental place that you are an amazing guy, and that you don’t need a partner (or anyone else for that matter) to validate you, then you are on the right track. The woman you become attracted to becomes important for you, but not necessarily 'everything'. You don’t depend on her to make you feel important, or like a man, or even loved, because those things are already part of you. Therefore as a man you would still be capable of rational thought, and capable too of knowing that your relationship MAY come to an end, but you know that wouldn’t be the end of the world, because you are a slick enough person to find someone else worthy of your affection. The world is vast, so are your options, she is nothing more than a blip on your past that will get smaller every fucking damn day.

Author:	methodology [ Wed Aug 10, 2016 9:08 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Revisiting
Perfect. By the time I had officially found out I wasn't surprised. Is there a way to separate my self-esteem from her treating me this way and essentially being with someone else by sacrificing our relationship? She knew it would hurt me in some way. What I am struggling with is that I KNEW the signs and I trusted myself and they came to the end result I knew. However, I don't want to show my insecurity or jealousy or even put too much work into preventing it going forward. Is that the right path? I don't want to become ignorant, but I want a healthier relationship to "losing" my girlfriend. Or whatever. I think the solution runs a long the lines of what you're saying and knowing her actions are not a value judgment of who I am.

Author:	n2thevoid [ Wed Aug 10, 2016 9:13 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Revisiting
Quote: So my final time with my ex was this last weekend where we were locked into a wedding that I personally was willing to endure to see my good friend be married. At the end of the day, she was suggesting she wants me in her life, remain friends, etc. Now, for those of you who have been following my story, she ended up having the dancing friend visit her two weeks ago and they hooked up. I brought it up and expressed that even though we had broken up the weekend before, I felt that all my "insecurities" and jealousy was justified and that I couldn't remain friends with someone who treated me that way, amongst the other things she was doing. She'd been lying to me the whole time to my face, and yet the red flags Id confront she would use jealousy as a weapon to make me back off. So here she now says that I "pushed her" into his arms and that she was hurting from our breakup and needed someone. Right. Well I pointed it out that it was odd that we broke up the weekend before he came to town. Of course they weren't correlated in her mind. Anyways, this is an odd one because I know she's trying to push the blame on me, and I knew I had been right all along. However, maybe I was wrong in my expression of my suspicion which was mostly passive aggressive high lights of the weirdness of their relationship. Obviously this wasn't the best solution. In the end, she'd do what she wants. How do I move forward so that in the future I can handle something like this better? I always felt shut down by her whenever I wanted to talk about the situation. I just want to know how to have a healthier relationship to someone I can't trust. I have trust issues to begin with, since, I trust people who I can't trust. Going forward. I want to grow from this very stressful situation. Your over-investment in the relationship prevented you from seeing the forest for the trees, it happens. It's highly probable she had this guy on the back burner for a while and was waiting for the right opportunity to strike (e.g., her investment had shifted from you and her to him and her enough to crowbar her away). Obviously she's going to rationalize it as being your fault to deflect any blame otherwise she'd have to sit with the guilt - which she will eventually anyway. I think the key is as you read in so many other posts is to stay investment in yourself no matter what. Women fall in love with a guy in the beginning because she sees that not only does he have value to her, but he values himself. Nobody is worth ever giving yourself up over. Her as a friend? One of my criterion for friendship is that the person have integrity, that which she lacks. Of course the question is that even at the friends level she doesn't qualify, so how in gods name would she qualify as GF material?! (A rhetorical question, I know the answer already just food for though for you).

Author:	n2thevoid [ Wed Aug 10, 2016 9:16 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Revisiting
Quote: Perfect. By the time I had officially found out I wasn't surprised. Is there a way to separate my self-esteem from her treating me this way and essentially being with someone else by sacrificing our relationship? She knew it would hurt me in some way. What I am struggling with is that I KNEW the signs and I trusted myself and they came to the end result I knew. However, I don't want to show my insecurity or jealousy or even put too much work into preventing it going forward. Is that the right path? I don't want to become ignorant, but I want a healthier relationship to "losing" my girlfriend. Or whatever. I think the solution runs a long the lines of what you're saying and knowing her actions are not a value judgment of who I am. Simply put you didn't trust yourself. You knew in your gut something was awry but failed to act. Key is to let go and learn from this moving forward. You've given up on yourself along the way or never had much of a sense of self of your own, apart from who you saw reflected by others - so you clung onto a girl who reflected to you the man you wanted to be, thereby making it feel almost death-like to let her go. Start working on yourself and figuring out who it is you are, self-acceptance is the key. Once you give that up, or don't have that to begin with you end up in toxic situations with toxic people real quick.

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Author:	methodology [ Wed Aug 10, 2016 9:54 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Revisiting
Is there any path to identifying or strengthening my sense of self? I agree that I did like who I am with her at times. Besides the distrust of her, which ended up justified.

Author:	Arch Stanton [ Thu Aug 11, 2016 7:10 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Revisiting
Start banging as many girls as you can. When you find someone hotter, smarter and better in bed,you will no longer care about this or feel the despair. In-between the banging, read a lot and go to the gym.

Author:	Eddie Fews [ Thu Aug 11, 2016 12:22 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Revisiting
Move on OP. Just move on. Change your phone number if you have to., but move on buddy.

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