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| Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=128&t=198421 |
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| Author: | angebracht [ Wed Aug 03, 2016 5:40 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? |
After spending a long day with my ex-boyfriend (together for 5 months), he said he needed to talk with me about some things. He pulled the car over and said to me, "I feel that if there's any future for this relationship, I need to share this with you or things will never be the same." "Okay, go on." "I messed around with someone else." I asked a bit more about what happened, and he revealed that he had sex with a 36 year old whom he met on Grindr. Fucking Grindr! The icing on the cake is that we're both 21 years old. As the forgiving, growth-oriented person I am, I said to him, "Look. Are you telling me this news because you want an easy way out of this relationship? Or are you telling me this because you want to take what we've learned, start fresh, and become better people as a result?" He looked shocked that I was so rational and forgiving in that moment, nodding his head yes. "The latter." We spoke a bit more and he claimed to have made that decision because he'd recently been fantasizing about his ex-boyfriend, whom the 36-year-old fling reminded him of. After some more conversation, he eventually began crying. And I mean CRYING. Like pick me up and hold me in your arms type of crying. He proceeds to go on about the many struggles he's having in life right now -- from feeling insecure in his own skin as an African American, his mother being strangled at home by his own uncle, to being penniless, and nearly being evicted from his apartment due to consecutively late rent payments. I hold him and reassure him that life isn't by any means easy -- that even I, a self-made millionaire since late last year, have struggles that cause me to not think straight sometimes. That some people in my family have problems, too. I mention that it's important to take care of oneself before undertaking the task of fixing other peoples' lives. And even then, it's questionable whether that should be done -- because we all know that everyone's life is their own responsibility. In the back of my mind, I couldn't help but think, "Wait a minute here. He just cheated on me, yet he's the one crying like this? And I'm the one comforting him!? This has to be some kind of manipulation. Or maybe he's really that emotionally unstable." But at the same time, he appears to be genuinely broken. I drop him home and ask him to be free by 10pm, because I'm going to want to talk more after the iron isn't so hot. He agrees, but changes his mind before I leave my apartment to go meet with him. "I'm not ready to speak just yet. I need some time to process what's happened." I get a bit angry and say to him, "Process? What do you need to process? You defiled my trust, despite me having given you my whole heart, and you think you're the one who needs to process? I'm fucking done. Goodbye." He gave in and said he can talk now. I said, "No. Let's talk tomorrow." So we did. We met at the park and not much was said. What I remember the most, however, is this: Him: "Ugh. I've invited the same shit that kill my last relationship into this one. And I think I just need to chill. It's not that I don't love you. It's that I feel that my life just isn't where it needs to be in order to love you in the way that I need to." Me: "Well if what you're saying is true -- that you really still believe there's love for me in your heart, then I'm willing to start from a clean slate, work on trusting you again, and continue a healthy relationship." Him. "Well I feel that if you really love me, then you'd understand that I need time and space to figure my life out." OUCH! I got up and walked away, "Well... It's been real." The reality for me is that I don't want to leave him. I understand that it may not be easy for many 21 year olds to keep their hormones in check, or to communicate when they are not feeling fulfilled. So I see this as a problem that can be fixed. He, on the other hand, sees it as a reason to run away. What should I do, guys? Should I move on? Does he seem worth it? I'd like to believe things can be repaired between us, but I know it will be hard. Any words of wisdom and experience will be greatly appreciated. Thanks, everyone! |
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| Author: | JackZero [ Wed Aug 03, 2016 5:49 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? |
He's admittedly broken and it's not your job to fix him. He said this is the kind of stuff he did in his last relationship...so he's not going to change for you. Move on and move on fast and far. 21 year old self made millionaire? What do you do? |
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| Author: | neo87 [ Wed Aug 03, 2016 5:58 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? |
Damn... You are desperate as hell. Have some self respect. |
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| Author: | Heywood Jablowme [ Wed Aug 03, 2016 6:08 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? |
Pull your other options outta your purse. |
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| Author: | n2thevoid [ Wed Aug 03, 2016 7:15 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? |
If that's not a red flag i don't know what is. |
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| Author: | kidfromcro [ Wed Aug 03, 2016 9:21 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? |
move on,nothing to be done here,this shit is over |
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| Author: | dicemaster [ Wed Aug 03, 2016 10:50 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? |
Game over. You should had to say it is over. It is mess. |
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| Author: | R.C [ Thu Aug 04, 2016 8:51 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? |
Quote: Does he seem worth it?.
Yeah, he seems like a total winner. Clearly worth it. Right, sarcasm aside, I have to wonder how you became a self-made millionaire while, at least in this aspect, being so incredibly naive. Exactly what worth are you managing to find in this guy? Look, I can only praise your growth oriented attitude, but you're going about it wrong. You grow as a person when you develop the strength to cut your losses before they start hemorrhaging you. That's how you grow. How you not grow is by lowering yourself to other people's levels trying (an exercise in futility) to bring them to your own when they clearly don't qualify. |
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| Author: | groovy_boy [ Sat Aug 06, 2016 11:38 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? |
I might sound cruel but that's just the way it is. You are a 21 year old successful, financially secure (tech. enterpreneur?), person who is growing in experiences and wisdom and possibly emotionally healthy. This is not a good match for you. The guy is emotionally scarred, huge emotional baggage he is bisexual or has undecided sexuality which might evolve to be strictly homosexual when he reaches his 30's. A healthy and serious relationship is more likely to be successful between: - two emotionally healthy people without baggage who listen to and respect each other - have a similar outlook and values in life - are in similar or the same socioeconomic status or background - have good sex Apart from wanting to fix him, would you consider himself more good looking than what you are? Perhaps that is one additional reason you still want to stay with him. |
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| Author: | angebracht [ Sat Aug 06, 2016 4:23 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? |
Quote: I might sound cruel but that's just the way it is.
I think you've said what I'm in denial about: the fact that this just isn't a good match. You are a 21 year old successful, financially secure (tech. enterpreneur?), person who is growing in experiences and wisdom and possibly emotionally healthy. This is not a good match for you. The guy is emotionally scarred, huge emotional baggage he is bisexual or has undecided sexuality which might evolve to be strictly homosexual when he reaches his 30's. A healthy and serious relationship is more likely to be successful between: - two emotionally healthy people without baggage who listen to and respect each other - have a similar outlook and values in life - are in similar or the same socioeconomic status or background - have good sex Apart from wanting to fix him, would you consider himself more good looking than what you are? Perhaps that is one additional reason you still want to stay with him. It's just difficult for me to find other people my age who are as committed, mature, self-assured, and financially free (I am a tech entrepreneur! I run a company that teaches students how to code.) as me. So I brush off these "shortcomings" because I know I'm an outlier. Does that make sense? You're so right about the baggage. He'd tell me, "I don't know how you put up with all this baggage." We also had some real fundamental worldview differences. He tried really hard to get me to adopt his, while I just accepted that we see things differently and enjoyed hearing and playing in his world. I wouldn't say he looks better than me. I am self-conscious about my own weight, though. I'm a little chubby, at 6'1", 185 pounds (male). But I'm working on it! I'm down 30 pounds this year, and feel better with by body than ever. He's 5'11, 145 pounds. I thought our sex was alright. It was definitely "good". |
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| Author: | groovy_boy [ Sun Aug 07, 2016 3:54 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? |
Quote: You're so right about the baggage. He'd tell me, "I don't know how you put up with all this baggage." We also had some real fundamental worldview differences. He tried really hard to get me to adopt his, while I just accepted that we see things differently and enjoyed hearing and playing in his world. I wouldn't say he looks better than me. I am self-conscious about my own weight, though. I'm a little chubby, at 6'1", 185 pounds (male). But I'm working on it! I'm down 30 pounds this year, and feel better with by body than ever. He's 5'11, 145 pounds. I thought our sex was alright. It was definitely "good". Most people here are not really experts into same sex relationships, however I believe most of the same principles apply (exception of pick up phase). You are young and driven and still growing in experiences, you don't want to be tied down with the wrong person for too long. |
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| Author: | R.C [ Mon Aug 08, 2016 6:23 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? |
Doesn't matter if they're gay. The other dudes was damaged goods. He has no reason to date him. |
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| Author: | Don Horneone [ Fri Aug 19, 2016 11:52 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? |
Quote: As the forgiving, growth-oriented person I am
Quote: He looked shocked that I was so rational and forgiving in that moment
Quote: even I, a self-made millionaire since late last year, have struggles
Does this forum have a blind spot for narcissism?
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| Author: | R.C [ Wed Aug 31, 2016 7:52 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? |
Being aware of your traits is not narcissism. |
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| Author: | Aqualol [ Wed Aug 31, 2016 11:56 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Boyfriend revealed that he cheated on me. What to do? |
Leave him. There is nothing in your story indicating he really cares about this relationship as much as you do, not even close. I know that's hard to accept and it probably draws you towards him even more. It makes you want to make it work, you also need it desperately for your self esteem, but all in all, you're just wasting your time and making yourself a pathetic human being. Be strong, move on. |
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