PUA Forum :: How do you listen without trying to fix things?

I'm not sure the best way to ask this, but when I have conversations with my gf and she's just ranting/venting my first tendency is to try helping or giving her ideas on how to fix the issues she's bringing up. Clearly this isn't what she wants, I get that she just wants me to listen sometimes. What do you do or say when your gf gets like this? What about on phone calls? I feel like shes talking my ear off some days and I start to lose interest in the conversation when she gets to this point.

We have great conversations, but when she gets in this rant/vent mode I feel my eyes glazing over. Any tips or advice?

Author:	Wtgz [ Tue Aug 02, 2016 10:02 pm ]
Post subject:	How do you listen without trying to fix things?
I'm not sure the best way to ask this, but when I have conversations with my gf and she's just ranting/venting my first tendency is to try helping or giving her ideas on how to fix the issues she's bringing up. Clearly this isn't what she wants, I get that she just wants me to listen sometimes. What do you do or say when your gf gets like this? What about on phone calls? I feel like shes talking my ear off some days and I start to lose interest in the conversation when she gets to this point. We have great conversations, but when she gets in this rant/vent mode I feel my eyes glazing over. Any tips or advice?

Author:	n2thevoid [ Tue Aug 02, 2016 11:54 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: How do you listen without trying to fix things?
Quote: I'm not sure the best way to ask this, but when I have conversations with my gf and she's just ranting/venting my first tendency is to try helping or giving her ideas on how to fix the issues she's bringing up. Clearly this isn't what she wants, I get that she just wants me to listen sometimes. What do you do or say when your gf gets like this? What about on phone calls? I feel like shes talking my ear off some days and I start to lose interest in the conversation when she gets to this point. We have great conversations, but when she gets in this rant/vent mode I feel my eyes glazing over. Any tips or advice? She's just wanting to be heard, it doesn't require much of any effort for something that'll make her feel validated. Feign off the urge to fix. Simply empathize with what she's saying you can do this by paraphrasing and reflecting what she's saying (not parroting). Least do so out of a genuine interest otherwise it'll come off as patronizing. Its a skill to recognize when someone simply wants to be heard versus jumping right into problem solving (which is typically the male go-to). Stay with the person, and by this I mean if they're griping about someone else simply bring it back to them, and how things affect them rather than taking sides (this requires some finesse if you're not used to it). "So when Sheila did this, what was that like for you?" for example. But mostly just some basic listening skills will get you well ahead of the curve. Give me a brief example of some texts and I'll illustrate.

Author:	Singseason [ Wed Aug 03, 2016 10:44 am ]
Post subject:	Re: How do you listen without trying to fix things?
It is the information that I know were even more strongly felt it was very important to use.

Author:	Heywood Jablowme [ Wed Aug 03, 2016 1:28 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: How do you listen without trying to fix things?
While nodding head - "I understand."

Author:	J.Daniels [ Wed Aug 03, 2016 2:41 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: How do you listen without trying to fix things?
If she's ranting about you, keep your cool. If you're wrong (for example not paying her enough attention because of work) you say something like "I didn't realise. I'm sorry. How about me and you go out this weekend? Turn our phones off and go somewhere private" or whatever. If she's ranting about someone else (for example her boss is being a dick) it's pretty much illegal to not take her side. The second you say something like "well, to be honest, I can see what she means... you do get moody sometimes" then you're as good as dead. No matter what happened, you just chime in every few seconds with "wow" ..."really?"..."WHAT? She said that!?!"... "what a bitch" Oh, and for the whole listen/fix situation... at the start, just say "do you want my advice, or do you just want me to listen?" - actually got this from a book and it's been golden for me. That's kinda how I am, anyway.

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Author:	Mr. Assertive [ Wed Aug 03, 2016 5:31 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: How do you listen without trying to fix things?
by not opening your mouth.

Author:	n2thevoid [ Wed Aug 03, 2016 5:37 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: How do you listen without trying to fix things?
If you actually want to change your whole way of being, your communication style and how you connect with YOURSELF and others then look up Marshall Rosenberg's Non Violent Communication on youtube and learn that. It'll open doors you'd never dreamt possible. One of the things Rosenberg states is "Never hear what somebody thinks about you, you'll live longer." He's right.

Author:	JackZero [ Wed Aug 03, 2016 5:43 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: How do you listen without trying to fix things?
Quote: One of the things Rosenberg states is "Never hear what somebody thinks about you, you'll live longer." Galist will be around forever.

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