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| Handling bad behavior https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=128&t=197783 |
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| Author: | 72offsuit [ Thu Jun 23, 2016 5:21 am ] |
| Post subject: | Handling bad behavior |
Yesterday I was late at work because of a meeting. I told my gf about a meeting before she came to meet me, but what I thought would be 30 minutes ended up being 1hr and 40min (I texted her during the meeting that I would tell her when I was done). She was irritated before I even got out. While we were waiting for the train, she walked away from me to a different load area. I stood in the same spot, and when she looked at me I grinned and gestured with my head for her to come back to my spot. She got annoyed and walked further away. I did not follow, and went home in a different car on the same train. I was going to travel with her that night to Shenzhen to activate my work visa. When I got back to my room I told her I was leaving in 10min. She got ready in 10min and without saying anything started to leave (I wanted to go first, but oh well). When I saw this I walked out... but then she held back. I went out, without her. She texted me a few minutes later saying if I wanted to go with her, meet her at Exit #. I said, "Just go, Id rather not go with you right now because of your behavior." She got mad, complaining how she was always coming to meet me and I never came to her (due to our situation it kinda has to be this way a lot). She has said before that she doesnt like guys who chase girls. I later responded "I told you id be late, I dont control meetings at work, and you still walked away from me". There were a couple exchanges after this but I held my ground and didnt apologize or explain further. We havent texted each other since and normally we text everyday (I know not good but she always texts). Did I handle this appropriately? Where should I go from here? |
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| Author: | JackZero [ Thu Jun 23, 2016 5:39 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Handling bad behavior |
You guys are both acting immature. Just because she does it doesn't mean that you should be also. She is expressing that she wants you to come to her every once in a while. Her whole acting out right now is her wanting you to come to her every so often...and it's pretty symbolic. Communication will fix this. |
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| Author: | 72offsuit [ Thu Jun 23, 2016 6:18 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Handling bad behavior |
I cant "go to her" almost ever. Im working 14 hours a day and she is staying at my place because visa restrictions dont allow her to come or go from HK often, and she lives 2 hrs away in Shenzhen. In order to see each other more often, she comes to meet me at the train and we go to dinner. If she didnt meet me on the train, we wouldnt have time for dinner. I also cant see her at lunch due to work. I dont follow what you mean by "just because she does it doesnt mean you should too" or whatever. I didnt walk away from her, she walked away from me twice and ignored me. Youre saying I should go to her when she does this? Why? I dont want to be around negative emotions which arent justified. Like I said to her, I had no control over the work meeting and she got mad at me anyway, acting as though I made her wait for me (I didnt tell her to meet me at a specific time because I didnt know how long the meeting would go exactly... she just came). |
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| Author: | n2thevoid [ Thu Jun 23, 2016 6:48 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Handling bad behavior |
Sounds like you want a dog rather than girlfriend. |
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| Author: | JackZero [ Thu Jun 23, 2016 6:49 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Handling bad behavior |
Quote: I cant "go to her" almost ever. Im working 14 hours a day and she is staying at my place because visa restrictions dont allow her to come or go from HK often, and she lives 2 hrs away in Shenzhen. In order to see each other more often, she comes to meet me at the train and we go to dinner. If she didnt meet me on the train, we wouldnt have time for dinner. I also cant see her at lunch due to work. She's acting out because, not trying to sound like n2, but there is a need that she wants to have met. You're focused on not feeding into her negative emotion when you could be communicating in a better way. That's the immaturity that I'm talking about. I dont follow what you mean by "just because she does it doesnt mean you should too" or whatever. I didnt walk away from her, she walked away from me twice and ignored me. Youre saying I should go to her when she does this? Why? I dont want to be around negative emotions which arent justified. Like I said to her, I had no control over the work meeting and she got mad at me anyway, acting as though I made her wait for me (I didnt tell her to meet me at a specific time because I didnt know how long the meeting would go exactly... she just came). A lot of these guys, and I used to be one of them, think that negative behavior can only be responded to with more negative behavior. Talking to her in a mature manner, allowing her to explain what's bothering her without defending yourself and showing that you understand where she's coming from will go far. Even reassuring her that you will put in some effort into going to see her at some point will let her know that it's not just her chasing you around. Once you do that, you can tell her that when she acts out rather than talking to you about it is not the way that you guys need to deal with problems. The point is that you need to bring her up to your level instead of you going down to hers. |
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| Author: | 72offsuit [ Thu Jun 23, 2016 7:27 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Handling bad behavior |
I wasnt acting negatively to her negative behavior in my eyes. My view was that I didnt want to go follow her when she was being moody, ignoring me, walking away from me. I just dont want to reward her for behaving like this... im fine with putting in effort (btw i usually put too much effort/investment), but not when shes mad at me for no good reason / something out of my control. By the way we are talking about it now. |
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| Author: | 72offsuit [ Thu Jun 23, 2016 7:29 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Handling bad behavior |
Quote: Sounds like you want a dog rather than girlfriend.
Not constructive help...
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| Author: | JackZero [ Thu Jun 23, 2016 7:41 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Handling bad behavior |
Quote: I wasnt acting negatively to her negative behavior in my eyes. My view was that I didnt want to go follow her when she was being moody, ignoring me, walking away from me. I just dont want to reward her for behaving like this... im fine with putting in effort (btw i usually put too much effort/investment), but not when shes mad at me for no good reason / something out of my control. This is all very much about you and how you feel and it's handicapped you from being able to act in the correct moment. You guys are discussing it now, but she's learning that she can act out in the moment and knows that it affects you to the point that it makes you unhappy and you'll end up having to talk about the problem later.
By the way we are talking about it now. |
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| Author: | R.C [ Thu Jun 23, 2016 8:33 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Handling bad behavior |
You're failing to understand her on an emotional level. Jack is right. You reacted to negative behavior with more negative behavior. Was she in the right to get pissed because your meeting lasted longer? Ofcourse not. But you're failing to see beyond that. In reality the meeting isn't the reason she acted out. Feeling neglected is. The idea of "punishing" bad behavior in relationships is just as idiotic as is with children. People don't learn/understand shit via punishment. Only thing it may accomplish is a growing resentment. Next time communicate. A simple "Look, I know the meeting is just a pretext. Come, tell me what you're really feeling" will take you a long way. |
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| Author: | neo87 [ Thu Jun 23, 2016 9:19 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Handling bad behavior |
Yeah, a genuine apology when you got out could have helped. You're not apologizing for having something out of your control happen, more so empathizing with her having to wait almost 2 hours. Sometimes guys like to think well its not my fault and they forget that saying I feel sorry that you had to wait that long is just showing empathy and understanding. Truth is, if you're working 14 hrs a day and this whole train/dinner thing is your relationship, then she probably is just tired and unhappy with the situation. |
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| Author: | n2thevoid [ Thu Jun 23, 2016 5:17 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Handling bad behavior |
"Never hear what somebody thinks about you, you'll live longer." Marshall Rosenberg Always listen to the unmet need underneath what someone is saying. Here she is frustrated and upset because her need to feel valued is not being met. By acting punitive you're further isolating her and greatly adding to her despair. Punishment never works if you answer these 2 questions: 1) what is it that I want to get the person to do? (if you answer this, and this alone, it seems as though punishment works, but not when you answer the 2nd question) 2) what are the reasons I want the other person's to be for doing what I want them to do? You see, this is why punishment can't ever work. The response never comes out of a positive, life-serving energy. Rather it comes out of feelings of pain, and manipulation in which both of you later on will surely pay the price. |
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