PUA Forum
https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/

What should I do - (read texts)
https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=128&t=197554		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  t-1000 [ Tue Jun 07, 2016 7:29 pm ]
Post subject:  What should I do - (read texts)
I've been dating a girl for about 8 months, it's been pretty good she has some jealousy issues but for the most part I've enjoyed it.
Recently she's been getting on my case about not putting pictures of us on social media and stuff and the other day she blew up about it. I suspected something and she left her phone open when she went into the shower, I know I shouldn't have checked it but I did and I read some texts from an ex-FWB from some time ago.
He basically said she should be single for the summer and if she ever wants to party message him or whatever. She said no at first and then about two weeks ago sent a message asking him for the after party. From what I gathered they didn't meet up although there was some flirting in the messages. Nothing since then.
I'm not sure what to do right now, I almost broke up with her but I also realized nothing actually happened and it was shitty of me to go through her phone. She could tell something was pissing me off but I never brought it up. Obviously if she met up with him I'd break up but right now I dunno what the proper thing to do is.
Author:  Heywood Jablowme [ Tue Jun 07, 2016 7:51 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What should I do - (read texts)
Yeah phone snooping is taboo. All women will have provocation to cheat. They get offers more than you want to know.

I've been that guy on the other end of that message.

Is her social media ranting a huge struggle? Tell her to put that shit on hers. If it bothers you or you don't want to, stand up for yourself and just say no.
Quote:
I dunno what the proper thing to do is.
What is your gut telling you? Because it's usually right.
Author:  neo87 [ Tue Jun 07, 2016 7:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What should I do - (read texts)
Is this your gf?
Author:  t-1000 [ Tue Jun 07, 2016 8:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What should I do - (read texts)
Yes this is my gf of 8 months.

She has a lot of pics of us on her social media, I only have a few. I don't really care about it anyway so I'm fine with putting more on. I wouldn't have cared about it if it was just the guy messaging her but what bothered me is that she asked him what he was doing. I know I shouldn't have checked but I had a suspicion and she gave me the opportunity.

It happened about an hour ago so I haven't really figured out what my gut it telling me to do. She really likes me and is good to me and hasn't given me any other reason to break up with her. I guess I'll sit on it and see how I feel in a few days.
Author:  neo87 [ Tue Jun 07, 2016 8:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What should I do - (read texts)
Quote:
Yes this is my gf of 8 months.

She has a lot of pics of us on her social media, I only have a few. I don't really care about it anyway so I'm fine with putting more on. I wouldn't have cared about it if it was just the guy messaging her but what bothered me is that she asked him what he was doing. I know I shouldn't have checked but I had a suspicion and she gave me the opportunity.

It happened about an hour ago so I haven't really figured out what my gut it telling me to do. She really likes me and is good to me and hasn't given me any other reason to break up with her. I guess I'll sit on it and see how I feel in a few days.
How is this your gf of 8 months when 5 months ago you were casually dating a girl?

Ok so you're dating a girl not her bf and she messaged her ex fb?
Author:  t-1000 [ Tue Jun 07, 2016 8:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What should I do - (read texts)
What?

We started out as casual and then became bf/gf. I don't keep exact time lines but yes we have been hanging out approx 8 months.

At this stage in the relationship we consider ourselves bf/gf.
Author:  Eddie Fews [ Tue Jun 07, 2016 10:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What should I do - (read texts)
A woman is only going to do what she thinks she can get away with. Meaning; if she thinks she can text her ex boyfriend and you'll stick around she may or may not depending on how she feels. If she knows just from the vibe that you give off that you will walk without thinking twice if she texted an ex she won't even consider doing so. Its not something rational or logic, its an intuitive thing.

Boundaries and limits are confronted by the people in our lives. We either loosen them up or tighten them depending on what we want and who we want to be.

As you grow and learn to trust your gut more you won't have to go snooping before making a decision. You'll make a decision unvalidated by anything other than how much you trust your own gut hunches.
Author:  JackZero [ Tue Jun 07, 2016 10:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What should I do - (read texts)
OP...her ex fuck buddy has reached out to her telling her to break up with you and also hangout with him. She I then asked about an after party with him. Do you think you can trust she didn't tell you about it? Before you answer,think logically.
Author:  t-1000 [ Wed Jun 08, 2016 3:40 am ]
Post subject:  Re: What should I do - (read texts)
Eddie thanks for that post, it's very deep and accurate. I appreciate it.

Jack - I'm not sure exactly what you're asking me. Can't exactly think logically if I don't understand you. Is that a rhetoric question ?
Author:  JackZero [ Wed Jun 08, 2016 3:45 am ]
Post subject:  Re: What should I do - (read texts)
Quote:
Jack - I'm not sure exactly what you're asking me. Can't exactly think logically if I don't understand you. Is that a rhetoric question ?
After everything you found out, do you think you can trust her?
Author:  methodology [ Wed Jun 08, 2016 4:26 am ]
Post subject:  Re: What should I do - (read texts)
In other words, she hid THIS from you. A guy from her past hitting on her and alluding to hooking up. It's different if she shared this with you. However, she didn't tell you about it and quite frankly you don't know if she has deleted messages or what.
Author:  methodology [ Wed Jun 08, 2016 4:35 am ]
Post subject:  Re: What should I do - (read texts)
Quote:
A woman is only going to do what she thinks she can get away with. Meaning; if she thinks she can text her ex boyfriend and you'll stick around she may or may not depending on how she feels.
We scan our perceptual workspace for our affordances (options) that fit our constraints. So if you are a super jealous boyfriend that never lets her go out, she will unlikely look outside of your sphere of control for the needs she has. However, if you can trust her, you shouldn't need to constrain her. In fact, her needs should be met by many people. The only needs met by you should be those that keep you exclusive, sexual and romantic. The thing this girlfriend is likely wanting in this situation is not to party with this guy, but to simply go out. Being single is less about being with other guys as it is about the "unknown" of what could happen tonight. Take her out somewhere social. Get that need fixed. If she is a strayer, she might catch the bug and want to be single but as long as you can have fun with her when you go out then you can usually only boost her desirability. This guy isn't the problem. If your relationship is SOLID then he isn't a factor, no matter what games he plays. Find out what she wants. It's not him. He is simply a resource to finding what she wants. Make sure you become the valuable key to meeting her needs.
Author:  neo87 [ Wed Jun 08, 2016 4:51 am ]
Post subject:  Re: What should I do - (read texts)
Quote:
What?

We started out as casual and then became bf/gf. I don't keep exact time lines but yes we have been hanging out approx 8 months.

At this stage in the relationship we consider ourselves bf/gf.
My question was because you werent being clear. Hanging out for 8 months does not equal gf of 8 months. Likewise, your actions going forward arent clear. You mention the whole fb thing, if you're bf/gf and as you said its no big deal, why didnt you just post up the pictures? I mean, if its no big deal, whats the issue with doing that for your gf? ESPECIALLY when you know she has jealousy issues? Its a simple thing, but I see many guys here get simple things wrong, thats why I had to ask about a simple thing like the length or "officialness" of the "relationship."

Now, you not posting some photos is not grounds for her to flirt with old fuck buddies, and even then...you took the information you gained with no real direction. She was flirting with her ex fb abt meeting up...ok...what now? If you stay with her, can you trust her? And if you think the fb stuff was important or a cause of her responding to him, is that going to change? Im not saying you should or not either way, but if you stay and dont mention it, what are you going to do?

Granted, I dont even think this is about her cheating or possibly cheating, or flirting. If this exchange abt an after party happened 2 weeks ago, and she's blowing up now, sounds more like she's on her way out altogether.
Author:  n2thevoid [ Thu Jun 09, 2016 6:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What should I do - (read texts)
Ugh. this drudges up some old wounds from a girl I was on/off with for several years.

I had caught her in a similar situation where a FB random was flirting with her, to which she stone walled him saying she had a bf 'but thanks for the kind words' only for her to do an about-face weeks later and invite him out for "appies" at 11pm one Friday night (to which he couldn't since had consumed a bottle of wine and was too drunk to pick her up).

I agree with Eddie that some women will try to get away with whatever they can. You're going to have to trust your gut, BUT beyond that establish some firm boundaries. Heywood has it right too that women get hit-up far more than you think, regardless if they're in a relationship or not. It's how she responds to the advances that matters.

Look, most women aren't dumb, they know when a guy has interest, ESPECIALLY if its a former fuckbuddy that's hitting them up, and saying she should be "single for summer"??? Come on, really?! But again, plausible deniability.
By that I mean if she can play it off as something innocent (and frame it as YOU being insecure) then she will, if she has little to no regard for you.

It also depends on what your values are surrounding relationships. Some guys are fine with their women flirting with others, some may think it innocent she's still in communication with a former fuckbuddy. Myself, those are huge cautionary flags, particularly the later. It does come down to respect.

Would you do the same whilst in a relationship? Go to an afterparty with a former fuckbuddy be cool about it in spite of having a gf? Some people may be fine with that, and you know if she's earned your trust then maybe that's ok, who are we to judge?

If there are, however, flags in the relationship that cause you to doubt her trust then certainly this is an issue.

The fact you were perusing her phone/social media is quite telling. Careful, you may find something you really don't like, or misconstrue a conversation as something it's not.



Edit*

On re-reading your post "He basically said she should be single for the summer and if she ever wants to party message him or whatever. " is indeed cause for concern. He's essentially set a sexual frame and her willingness to go to the party sounds like compliance to it. Really think about things, where they're heading and if you're willing to sacrifice some of your values to be with this person (in which case you can end up in the hole real quick as witnessed in the case of the poster Whysoskinny).
Page 1 of 1 All times are UTC
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
http://www.phpbb.com/