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Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfriend?
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Author:  Zeru [ Tue Mar 01, 2016 2:17 am ]
Post subject:  Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfriend?
I ask this because i know a relationship with communication is a big part. So what i mean by this question is, should you always be open about all your feelings about the relationship and everything? Or would that kill a ton of attraction?
Author:  neo87 [ Tue Mar 01, 2016 3:27 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfrien
What abt your feelings do you think could kill the attraction?
Author:  Zeru [ Tue Mar 01, 2016 4:17 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfrien
Your right neo, i'm being general and need to get more specific if i'm going to ask for help. I feel like she has a perception of me, and if i show that softer side. Like my stuggles, that would be what would kill attraction.
Author:  neo87 [ Tue Mar 01, 2016 4:23 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfrien
What are your struggles?
Author:  n2thevoid [ Tue Mar 01, 2016 4:27 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfrien
Quote:
Your right neo, i'm being general and need to get more specific if i'm going to ask for help. I feel like she has a perception of me, and if i show that softer side. Like my stuggles, that would be what would kill attraction.
Feel like she has a perception of you?
Are you a mind reader?
Author:  Zeru [ Wed Mar 02, 2016 9:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfrien
Quote:
What are your struggles?
I had a very intense dad growing up. This lead me to one belief that was, "i'm not good enough." I'm aware of it, and i work on it, although it's not fully gone, and that belief can cause challenges in the relationship at times. But i feel like if i were to tell her that i have been working on that belief/ that it was the cause of some of our challenges; that would be what would kill attraction.
Author:  n2thevoid [ Wed Mar 02, 2016 10:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfrien
Quote:
Quote:
What are your struggles?
I had a very intense dad growing up. This lead me to one belief that was, "i'm not good enough." I'm aware of it, and i work on it, although it's not fully gone, and that belief can cause challenges in the relationship at times. But i feel like if i were to tell her that i have been working on that belief/ that it was the cause of some of our challenges; that would be what would kill attraction.
This is about self-acceptance. "I'm not good enough" induces shame. Shame blocks one's ability to be vulnerable with one's self, and by extension others. This is the intellectual side of what's happening.

My question to you is how are you currently working on this?

My other question to you is for what reason do you want to share this with your girlfriend?
Author:  Zeru [ Thu Mar 03, 2016 2:31 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfrien
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
What are your struggles?
I had a very intense dad growing up. This lead me to one belief that was, "i'm not good enough." I'm aware of it, and i work on it, although it's not fully gone, and that belief can cause challenges in the relationship at times. But i feel like if i were to tell her that i have been working on that belief/ that it was the cause of some of our challenges; that would be what would kill attraction.
This is about self-acceptance. "I'm not good enough" induces shame. Shame blocks one's ability to be vulnerable with one's self, and by extension others. This is the intellectual side of what's happening.

My question to you is how are you currently working on this?

My other question to you is for what reason do you want to share this with your girlfriend?
Wow, i loved the way you described that n2thevoid. You are dead on.

At the moment, how i have been working on it is to do something everyday that makes me feel uneasy. For instance going up to a solid 10, then if i get turned down. Analyze it right away by reminding myself, everyone has different views and perceptions of the world, and it is never about me. But it's a great question because there is no manual on this. I honestly am not sure how to get over this fully. I would love some advice, this is a huge challenge in my life.

I feel like i should share it with my girlfriend because it's been bothering me recently when i see it showing up and i feel like i need someone to talk to about it.
Author:  n2thevoid [ Thu Mar 03, 2016 4:06 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfrien
Shame has to do with the way you talk to yourself, your 'inner dialogue' so-to-speak.

It can be quite insidious if left unchecked. For example, a guy who believes his sense of worth depends on being accepted by a woman may feel a profound sense of shame after being rejected. Even if he is successful in getting the girl he'll be constantly checking-in with her, suppressing his own needs and meeting hers because he'll only feel at-ease when she's happy (he's tasked himself as being responsible for her feelings), and when she's not happy he'll burden himself further with the belief that its his task to 'fix' her/make her feel better.

You can see the corrosive nature of holding such a belief.

So rather than approaching girls in spite of your belief "I am not enough", it may be more beneficial to unpack shame, to really examine that belief you've internalized about yourself and what's feeding it.
Author:  R.C [ Thu Mar 03, 2016 9:03 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfrien
Quote:
Your right neo, i'm being general and need to get more specific if i'm going to ask for help. I feel like she has a perception of me, and if i show that softer side. Like my stuggles, that would be what would kill attraction.
Are you going to bitch about your struggles, or are you going to vent?

The difference is that the first implies you vomiting your issues in a helpless, "I can't do this", put the weight on her shoulders way, while the other implies blowing off some steam with no implication other than challenge accepted.

Everyone has struggles of some sort. It's all about your attitude towards them. Are you dominating them or are they dominating you? One is attractive, the other is not.
Author:  neo87 [ Thu Mar 03, 2016 6:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfrien
Quote:
Quote:
Your right neo, i'm being general and need to get more specific if i'm going to ask for help. I feel like she has a perception of me, and if i show that softer side. Like my stuggles, that would be what would kill attraction.
Are you going to bitch about your struggles, or are you going to vent?

The difference is that the first implies you vomiting your issues in a helpless, "I can't do this", put the weight on her shoulders way, while the other implies blowing off some steam with no implication other than challenge accepted.

Everyone has struggles of some sort. It's all about your attitude towards them. Are you dominating them or are they dominating you? One is attractive, the other is not.

This

Wait though... Are you approaching girls for some confidence training thing? That part may not sit too well with a gf. And they're are many other better ways to do it. How are your problems affecting your relationship btw
Author:  n2thevoid [ Fri Mar 04, 2016 12:27 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfrien
Quote:
Quote:
Your right neo, i'm being general and need to get more specific if i'm going to ask for help. I feel like she has a perception of me, and if i show that softer side. Like my stuggles, that would be what would kill attraction.
Are you going to bitch about your struggles, or are you going to vent?

The difference is that the first implies you vomiting your issues in a helpless, "I can't do this", put the weight on her shoulders way, while the other implies blowing off some steam with no implication other than challenge accepted.

Everyone has struggles of some sort. It's all about your attitude towards them. Are you dominating them or are they dominating you? One is attractive, the other is not.
That's a violent way of thinking.
Author:  R.C [ Fri Mar 04, 2016 8:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfrien
Quote:
That's a violent way of thinking.
What does violence have to do with anything?
Author:  oceanx [ Fri Mar 04, 2016 10:33 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfrien
Zeru, when you are in a relationship you are no longer in "gaming" mode. Opening up about your past/present/future, and the real you, will bond her even closer to you.

If you keep all your shit bottled up and try to maintain a certain "hard" or whatever image in a relationship, that facade is seen through very easily, as it should be. Let your guard down. She wants to know all your facets.
Author:  n2thevoid [ Fri Mar 04, 2016 8:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Should you completely open yourself up to your girlfrien
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Your right neo, i'm being general and need to get more specific if i'm going to ask for help. I feel like she has a perception of me, and if i show that softer side. Like my stuggles, that would be what would kill attraction.
Are you going to bitch about your struggles, or are you going to vent?

The difference is that the first implies you vomiting your issues in a helpless, "I can't do this", put the weight on her shoulders way, while the other implies blowing off some steam with no implication other than challenge accepted.

Everyone has struggles of some sort. It's all about your attitude towards them. Are you dominating them or are they dominating you? One is attractive, the other is not.
That's a violent way of thinking.
Any relationship that's predicated upon ideas of dominance is a violent one, it reinforces the concept of retributive justice, and fear rather than love, respect, and mutuality.

Nobody wants to be dominated.

Unless I've misunderstood what you're trying to say.
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