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Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself out"
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Author:  reacon [ Tue Jan 05, 2016 8:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself out"
Been in a LDR for 2.5 years, I love this girl and would marry her. Things started to take a turn for the worse in her life around 6 months ago, where she was trying to apply for a very specific job. There aren't many of these jobs around in the country and she was rejected 6 times. I could see her self esteem and confidence be rocked with each rejection and she started to tell me she has these feeling of depression and worthlessness. Reading up on the condition, she was certainly exhibiting a lot of the symptoms. I'm not talking suicidal actions, but more of a mild-to-medium depression. She eventually got the job she was after and it seemed her mood took a turn for the better! I still advised her to seek medical help, which she is doing and is taking meds. She'd be happy go lucky one minute, then would start questioning everything in her life, the next minute.

Over Christmas she spent a week with me and she was planning 2016 with me; holidays, weekends away, where to visit in her new city etc. She was still affectionate; sex, hand holding, cuddles, telling me she loves me etc.

Then on Boxing Day, she phoned me and said she "can't handle the pressure of a relationship", tells me I'm an amazing guy and that I deserve an amazing girl, says that she's not good enough for me and she feels a burden because of her mood swings and depression. She said she just needed to make herself better on her own, and "wishes she could beat this feeling and be a better person for me". She was due to move to her new city and new job a week before she split, which I feel may have triggered this?

I gave her some space for a few days then messaged to say that I'm here for her if she needs me (I do really care for the girl). She replied and said that I've been the best boyfriend she could have wished for, but it is her depression that is doing this and I've done nothing wrong. She thanked me for messaging her and said that it means the world to her. She messaged me again 2 days later and said she is finding this split horrible. Again, I told myself to give her space but I just replied to say I'm finding it hard too and don't want us to end, but that I would give her the space she's asked for. She then messaged the next morning saying she wanted to let me know that she really misses me, really cares about me and wishes she could be a better person for me but needs to beat this alone.

My idea was to just leave her be, and go no contact for at least a week or 2. But since we split, she's been the one to message/Snapchat me first 5 times now. After she told me she loves me a couple of days ago, I phoned her as I wanted to gauge where her head was at. We had a great fun filled chat where she suggested that "we'll have to meet up". She told me she's missing me loads. After the call, she messaged to say it was really nice to talk and thanked me for being so supportive. She's even Snapchatted me today. I haven't replied, and don't intend do.

What the hell do I do?! To me, it's pretty obvious she doesn't want to break up with me, but her condition seems to dictate her thoughts. I'm trying to 'give her the gift of missing me', but then I go and get a message from her! Advice on how to respond would be useful!

I'd love some advice, but please don't give me the "get rid, move on" line, as to me, she's is my perfect HB10. Thanks.
Author:  Heywood Jablowme [ Tue Jan 05, 2016 8:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself
Quote:
she phoned me and said she "can't handle the pressure of a relationship", tells me I'm an amazing guy and that I deserve an amazing girl, says that she's not good enough for me and she feels a burden because of her mood swings and depression.
It's likely stems from the guilt of fucking someone else in your absence.

You just got the "It's not you, it's me." Speech.
Author:  Cross De Lena [ Tue Jan 05, 2016 8:51 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself
Sorry to hear that... Seems like a nice thing going on, and suddenly she jumps off the wagon for no reason. Women don't know what they want usually, men are here to lead them.

How was your last six months? Did you just settle into the relationship?

Most guys after dating a girl, start taking their girl for granted, in other words they stop dating. SPONTANEITY is gone, sex is usual. It's almost like she's your buddy and you want to see each other occasionally.

You talked a lot about her, what's up with you? Are you advancing in your life? Do you have some desires and goals that you want to achieve? What's your story. Girl telling things like "You're too good for me" etc. Is just in other words "I got bored, I'm looking elsewhere for fun".

Among all these things she still contacts you, meaning she doesn't wanna let to, and I'm more sure in a point I'm trying to make: CONTINUE TO GROW

Keep learning new stuff, join classes, work towards your goal. I really don't think she's the problem.
Author:  neo87 [ Tue Jan 05, 2016 9:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself
Wait... This was a 2.5 year long distance relationship? What did you think was gonna happen? Maybe she wants a real relationship? Feel bad for you though
Author:  reacon [ Tue Jan 05, 2016 9:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself
Quote:
Sorry to hear that... Seems like a nice thing going on, and suddenly she jumps off the wagon for no reason. Women don't know what they want usually, men are here to lead them.

How was your last six months? Did you just settle into the relationship?

Most guys after dating a girl, start taking their girl for granted, in other words they stop dating. SPONTANEITY is gone, sex is usual. It's almost like she's your buddy and you want to see each other occasionally.

You talked a lot about her, what's up with you? Are you advancing in your life? Do you have some desires and goals that you want to achieve? What's your story. Girl telling things like "You're too good for me" etc. Is just in other words "I got bored, I'm looking elsewhere for fun".

Among all these things she still contacts you, meaning she doesn't wanna let to, and I'm more sure in a point I'm trying to make: CONTINUE TO GROW

Keep learning new stuff, join classes, work towards your goal. I really don't think she's the problem.
The last 6 months have been tricky with her depression. That's when the job rejections started and her self esteem suffered. When she was good, we were great, but when she was feeling glum, there was no changing her. But, there were more ups than down when we were together. We still kept going on lots of fun dates and had 3 holidays last year, so I wouldn't say we settled.

I'm just confused how she can plan me in her future one day, then break up the next day. She's talked about her depression and she hates the thought that she's a burden on me. No matter how many times I tell her she's not, she believes what she believes. It's a horrid illness.

It does feel like it's the depression talking, as why would she say "I wish I could be better for you"? Surely it would be "I'm sorry, we're done forever"? It's like she needs to find her own mind again, she's desperate to feel happy again.

I'm not holding up well to be honest. This is oneitis, but I'd marry this girl. I'm 34, this isn't a fling as an 18 year old. I've met a LOT of women and for me, she is the one for me. I'm still continuing with my night classes, I'm a plumber but I'm doing an electricians course so it keeps my mind occupied.
Author:  reacon [ Tue Jan 05, 2016 9:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself
Quote:
Wait... This was a 2.5 year long distance relationship? What did you think was gonna happen? Maybe she wants a real relationship? Feel bad for you though
It's been mainly long distance. We met whilst she was studying in my city for a year, then that finished and she returned home. Her last 3 year relationship was long distance, but she's always maintained she hasn't got an issue with long distance.
Author:  Heywood Jablowme [ Tue Jan 05, 2016 9:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself
I feel bad for you as well, but do you know who doesn't?
Author:  neo87 [ Tue Jan 05, 2016 10:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself
Why didn't anyone move?
Author:  Cross De Lena [ Tue Jan 05, 2016 10:14 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself
Quote:
I feel bad for you as well, but do you know who doesn't?
Self explanatory.

Quote:
I'm just confused how she can plan me in her future one day, then break up the next day.
How old is she?

Another note: You are 34, if you feel like you want to settle down, this girl has done you a favor by leaving so you can find another one. Don't be upset about it, be angry at her, how dare does she fuckin with your life like that.

She's just a burden to you and you ain't gonna live forever, that's a reality factor.
Author:  reacon [ Wed Jan 06, 2016 1:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself
Quote:
Why didn't anyone move?
Jobs. I'm settled in my city, yet she was at uni then loved with her parents while she was looking for a "proper" job. This is the first time in our 2 years she's fully settled and committed to an area.
Author:  R.C [ Wed Jan 06, 2016 2:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself
Look dude, I know you want to blame her depression for this, but really, the depression is not to blame.

She can't handle the pressure of a relationship? who are you kidding? You're LONG DISTANCE. There is barely any pressure to speak of.

It's a breakup. Of-course she's emotional as fuck. Top that off with depression meds and you got an emotional trainwreck. She'll go "this is the best decision I ever made" to "wtf am I doing with my life" in a matter of 10 minutes. The latter is when you start getting messages.

She's basically just using you as an emotional dampener to cope with the split. And you're eating it up. Also, I'm sure she's a great girl, I'm not saying she's doing it in a premeditated or malicious fashion. It happens subconsciously, but the end result is you compromising your own mental sanity while also providing her the means to distance herself from you without the guilt involved.

Have some self respect, will you? You shouldn't put her first even in a relationship, and here you are also doing it when you're apart.

I know you think you're being supportive and all that, but in reality what you're doing is voluntarily fucking yourself over nothing. The reason for that, as Heywood seems to be the only one realizing, is that while you're playing the emotional tampon, someone else is 95% guaranteed fucking her in your absence. Together the two of you make the perfect boyfriend.

I'm sorry for what's happening to you and I know this is not what you want to hear. The choice is yours, but you'll be kicking yourself in the balls 2 months from now when you find out what I'm saying here is true from some other source.
Author:  Heywood Jablowme [ Wed Jan 06, 2016 2:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself
Quote:
This is the first time in our 2 years she's fully settled and committed to an area.
Where *HE* is.

Look Bro, I'm not being harsh for (only) my enjoyment. I'm slapping you in the face with it. Sometimes it's easier to see that way.

Your troubles aren't new, it's the opposite. It's more common than having a Facebook account.

I'm sure you are a nice, great guy, then you likely have been treating your girlfriend with lots of respect, in addition to providing warmth, love, comfort, affection, and emotional support. You are an accommodating person who is willing to do anything for her, which is why you are eventually going to hear these words: "I need to deal with my depression, I need space to
Quote:
sort herself out.
"

When a woman says, "I feel confused right now, and I need some time sort herself out," what she actually means is:

"I'm fucking somebody else right now. Somebody more "Bad Boy" than you, somebody that shuts you out of my mind every time I happily bounce up and down on his dick."

Her vagina has guilt blocking hormones that just rationalize it all for her.Do you think she is seeking any advice for fucking up your life and completely shattering your heart?

No, not gonna happen.

Know why? You care to much. You feel a void that cannot be easily filled.

But it CAN. And I'm here to tell you, IT WILL BE!

But in order for that to happen, you must tear her from your life like a sticky band-aid!

I'm sure you cried it all out by now. So it's time. Go out, get shit faced with your friends. Get a random hook-up. Puke your guts out in the morning, and get back to business. Your shit, focus on YOU, fuck her.

Look how much gas money your gonna save.
Author:  neo87 [ Wed Jan 06, 2016 3:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself
Yeah man... True words above. If she isn't sleeping with someone she broke up so she can in her new city. From college to adult life... When a girl moves and breaks up with you... It's too start clean. As rc said what pressure from this long distance relationship?! And shouldn't the depression be less now that she got the job. You were a rock for her to cry to when she was depressed so she won't be completely alone. Now it's new job.. New city..
New man.
Author:  HBwarm-Cph [ Fri Feb 05, 2016 2:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself
It was like reading my own story bro, so I really feel for you!!

Same thing happened to me. My now ex-girlfriend ended up kissing another dude when she was drunk. She had a depression as well and they things about her changing moods like the wind, was completely the same. Anyway my advice is to not listen to all that nice fluffy talk. She just tells you that to make you feel better, and if she haven't done it she will most properbly cheat on you in the end...

I suggest that you make yourself scarce for a while, so she realizes what she is missing out on, before it is too late, like in my situation. Work on making your self atractive and exciting again, and you might have a real shot at saving this relationship. This will also allow herself to find her self and work on the depression and get some things "out of the system"

Just my 2 cents
Author:  Warped Mindless [ Fri Feb 05, 2016 6:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend with depression wants space to "sort herself
Go meet other women as this realtionship is done.
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