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She has an ex bf of 4 years who wants to get back with her..
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Author:  Ryden [ Sat Jun 20, 2015 8:25 am ]
Post subject:  She has an ex bf of 4 years who wants to get back with her..
So this girl I'm seeing SPAM got out of a 4 year relationship with a dude 6 months ago, he treated her like shit however she's still in love with a lot of parts of him and realises that she's also at fault for their relationship breaking up. The decider of her breaking up with him was because he was addicted to meth however he contacted her a week ago saying he is finally cleaned up and now she want's to go see him to get closure. She doesn't know if she'll get back with him or not however he lives 8 hours away by plane and all her friends revolve around him. So getting back together with him means she gains all her friends back.

We've been together for the last 2 months which has been absolutely amazing, she's new to the university we're studying at and although she has some really close friends already, she still misses her old life and her friends back home. I feel like im fighting an uphill battle here and every instinct I have is telling me to leave her but we just click so well and I can't imagine doing it.

I have absolutely no idea what to do here...
How am I supposed to fight it out with a dude that has so much history with her and is the key to an environment that she absolutely loves?
Author:  JackZero [ Sat Jun 20, 2015 8:47 am ]
Post subject:  Re: She has an ex bf of 4 years who wants to get back with h
She's spent years trying to fix this guy. Now that he appears to be turning into the guy she wants. The ex isn't the problem. The problem is the fantasy that she had of who he could be. More than likely he hasn't changed, but instead he's saying the things that she needs to hear in order for him to be allowed back in her life.

If she's contemplating this, you as you are at this very moment are not able to compete against a fantasy. I'm guessing that you appear to have your shit together and that's why the first two months were amazing and you allowed her to forget about the loser until he sold her on the story that he's better now.

If I were in your position, I'd walk away from this. She's not living in reality at the moment. However, if you were to try to get her to continue things with you just make sure you do it at an emotional level. If you try to go at it by appealing to her logical side, you won't get anywhere.
Author:  neo87 [ Sat Jun 20, 2015 1:28 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: She has an ex bf of 4 years who wants to get back with h
Quote:
She's spent years trying to fix this guy. Now that he appears to be turning into the guy she wants. The ex isn't the problem. The problem is the fantasy that she had of who he could be. More than likely he hasn't changed, but instead he's saying the things that she needs to hear in order for him to be allowed back in her life.

If she's contemplating this, you as you are at this very moment are not able to compete against a fantasy. I'm guessing that you appear to have your shit together and that's why the first two months were amazing and you allowed her to forget about the loser until he sold her on the story that he's better now.

If I were in your position, I'd walk away from this. She's not living in reality at the moment. However, if you were to try to get her to continue things with you just make sure you do it at an emotional level. If you try to go at it by appealing to her logical side, you won't get anywhere.

This
Author:  Ryden [ Sun Jun 21, 2015 2:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: She has an ex bf of 4 years who wants to get back with h
Quote:
She's spent years trying to fix this guy. Now that he appears to be turning into the guy she wants. The ex isn't the problem. The problem is the fantasy that she had of who he could be. More than likely he hasn't changed, but instead he's saying the things that she needs to hear in order for him to be allowed back in her life.

If she's contemplating this, you as you are at this very moment are not able to compete against a fantasy. I'm guessing that you appear to have your shit together and that's why the first two months were amazing and you allowed her to forget about the loser until he sold her on the story that he's better now.

If I were in your position, I'd walk away from this. She's not living in reality at the moment. However, if you were to try to get her to continue things with you just make sure you do it at an emotional level. If you try to go at it by appealing to her logical side, you won't get anywhere.
Yeah you seem pretty on point with this, yeah I do appear to have my shit together. Graduating from Uni, doing internships, etc...
So if I was to go about it on an emotional level, how should i go about that?
Author:  JackZero [ Sun Jun 21, 2015 3:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: She has an ex bf of 4 years who wants to get back with h
Quote:
Yeah you seem pretty on point with this, yeah I do appear to have my shit together. Graduating from Uni, doing internships, etc...
So if I was to go about it on an emotional level, how should i go about that?
This is a hard thing to do. It will require her to bring him up in conversation or you being able to route the conversation to being about him without being obvious. Then you'll have to get her to talk about the time that she wasted on him and if possible have her demonstrate that she has taken him back before. Keep her talking about those negative feelings without you giving your opinions on him or sounding like your trying to convince her to change her mind or compare yourself to him. Your whole goal is to get her to convince herself that being with him is a bad decision.

Like I said, this is difficult to do because she's not going to want to talk about him with you because she won't want to hurt your feelings since at this moment she's already leaning towards taking him back. This is also going to be difficult because she has a bunch of friends that will be trying to convince her not to take him back(probably even trying to convince her that you are a better option) and in the back of her mind she's going to want to prove them wrong.

The worst part of this is that if you try to attempt doing this, you are investing in this girl too much. Regardless if this turns out good for you, she will always know that she can contemplate dropping without worrying about whether or not you'll be there waiting for her. This is the reason that I would walk away from this situation.
Author:  CharlesFinley [ Mon Jun 22, 2015 1:16 am ]
Post subject:  Re: She has an ex bf of 4 years who wants to get back with h
I would be backing away from this, myself.

JackZero summed it up well.
Author:  R.C [ Mon Jun 22, 2015 5:40 am ]
Post subject:  Re: She has an ex bf of 4 years who wants to get back with h
Run.
Author:  PatrickAnanda [ Mon Jun 22, 2015 9:01 am ]
Post subject:  Re: She has an ex bf of 4 years who wants to get back with h
Quote:
So this girl I'm seeing SPAM got out of a 4 year relationship with a dude 6 months ago, he treated her like shit however she's still in love with a lot of parts of him and realises that she's also at fault for their relationship breaking up. The decider of her breaking up with him was because he was addicted to meth however he contacted her a week ago saying he is finally cleaned up and now she want's to go see him to get closure. She doesn't know if she'll get back with him or not however he lives 8 hours away by plane and all her friends revolve around him. So getting back together with him means she gains all her friends back.

We've been together for the last 2 months which has been absolutely amazing, she's new to the university we're studying at and although she has some really close friends already, she still misses her old life and her friends back home. I feel like im fighting an uphill battle here and every instinct I have is telling me to leave her but we just click so well and I can't imagine doing it.

I have absolutely no idea what to do here...
How am I supposed to fight it out with a dude that has so much history with her and is the key to an environment that she absolutely loves?
Hey brother,

Fuck what a painful situation. I'm truly sorry you feel this way.

Let's have a hard discussion here - let's have some real talk.

I want to ask you a question; You want to know how you're supposed to fight this, but have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you even should?

We're men, so it's hard for us to relate to deep emotions, but they overturn logic every single time. You're going to try to subdue, to control, but in truth you have no control.

Don't you want a woman to want you just as bad as you want her? Dont you want her to think "OMG OMG OMG I cant believe Im with this guy!" ? If you have to force it with this one, if you have to prove to her that you are better than a meth head, is she really worth fighting for? If you actually convinced her to stay with you, did you truly win? In this case, even if you win, you still lose. Nothing beautiful ever asks for attention. If you need to convince her you are the better choice, it's obvious that you are not.

This is hard to swallow, and most men wont accept it, but to do so is to be liberated. All you truly have to do is work on yourself constantly. Always develop yourself, your passions, work towards your goals and dreams, and women will flock to you. That's the truth as to why women will always be in love with the starving artist, the unshakable warrior, the dreamer and the lover.

Make yourself worthy of being loved and you will be loved.

So let her go man. Let her do her thing. If she chooses you on her own, you know what you have is real.

Be well my friend, and try to relax - the world tends to work out as it should.

Your fan,
Mack
Author:  Ryden [ Mon Jun 22, 2015 1:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: She has an ex bf of 4 years who wants to get back with h
Cheers guys, legends. It's all great advice!
I've decided I'm going to give it a month until she goes back home for a weekend and more than likely see's her ex.
She'll either gain closure or end it with me. Just going to give it my all and whatever happens happens.
I'm more than likely fucked but at least i'll have learn't my lesson. Seeing it as a learning experience now.

It's just rough because I have such a large criteria when it comes to actually monogamously dating chicks and she nailed it..
If you've got any more advice im more than happy to hear it.

Thanks again!
Author:  HugoMoreno [ Mon Jun 22, 2015 6:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: She has an ex bf of 4 years who wants to get back with h
It's going to be like a pushing a boulder up a steep mountain
if you try to convince her that she shouldn't get back with
that dude

Sounds like she is pretty much convinced of what she wants to
do.

If that's the case...then you're going to try to "convert her beliefs"

Which is only going to annoy her and leave you pissed off

I wouldn't fight it...tell her to do whatever she think is best for her
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